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    he said / she said

    1. THINGY
    (thing-ee) n.

    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

    Male..... The
    strap fastener on a woman's bra.




    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.


    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

    Male.... Playing football without a cup.




    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.



    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.




    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.



    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

    Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.




    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.


    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.




    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.



    Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.




    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.



    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.




    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.


    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.


    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


    AND;






    He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.


    She said . . . You wear pants don't you?






    He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

    She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on
    the sofa and fart!




    He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

    She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!






    He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

    She said We don't know; it has never happened.
    ;">



    He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-
    looking?

    She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.




    She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

    He said . . . A widow.




    He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?

    She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married
    women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.




    SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO

    THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT


    __________________________________________________
    The only thing worth stealing is a kiss...:flower: zwink:

    #2
    he said / she said

    Awesome Judie!!! :H :H :H :H
    specially loved the last one!!

    Comment


      #3
      he said / she said

      OH saintly saintly sweet Jude!!lol You little tree-hugging urchin you!! You know I'm only going to come right back at ya with this one don't you!!

      WOMEN?S ENGLISH

      Yes = No
      No = Yes

      Maybe = No
      I?m sorry = You?ll be sorry

      We need = I want
      It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious

      Do what you want = You?ll pay for this later
      We need to talk = I need to complain

      Sure, go ahead = I don?t want you to do that
      I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset

      You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
      Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

      This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
      I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

      I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
      Do you love me? = I want something expensive

      How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
      I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

      You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me






      The Husband Store

      A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.


      You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
      There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down, to exit the building!


      So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These men have jobs.
      The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -- These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
      "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


      She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 -- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.


      "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


      Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 ? These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


      She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
      Husband Store.



      Why Men Lie

      One day while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, he dropped his axe into the river.

      When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

      The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

      The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

      The woodcutter replied, "No."

      The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

      Again the woodcutter replied, "No."

      The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

      The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

      The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep.
      The woodcutter went home happy.

      Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river.

      When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

      The woodcutter cried, "Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

      The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Anniston. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

      "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

      The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

      The woodcutter replied, "Oh forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Anniston, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

      Lord, I am a poor man and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Anniston."

      The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

      That's our story, and we're sticking to it!




      And just to prove there's no hard feelings.......




      Love and Happiness
      Hippie
      xx
      "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
      Clean and sober 25th January 2009

      Comment


        #4
        he said / she said

        Very amusing hip, but seriously, you Boys will never outsmart us, although today`s woman know it pays to sometimes let you think you`ve outwitted us. Trust me........she who plays "dumb" is usually quite the opposite.:H

        Comment


          #5
          he said / she said

          verrry niiiccce Hippie.:H
          Was that woodcutter joke for my benefit? You knew I grew up on a sawmill, long before I lived in tree didn't you?
          Love it.:goodjob:
          The only thing worth stealing is a kiss...:flower: zwink:

          Comment


            #6
            he said / she said

            Tree House!!

            Saint Jude;224064 wrote: verrry niiiccce Hippie.:H
            Was that woodcutter joke for my benefit? You knew I grew up on a sawmill, long before I lived in tree didn't you?
            Love it.:goodjob:
            I actually had no idea Jude! But I'd love to hear more about your tree-house (definitely no pun intended ) (not saying that if it was a pun I wouldn't be interested in your 'tree-house') (I mean I'm interested in you) ( I mean you and your sobriety not just your 'tree-house') (dig.....dig......dig.....dig!!!!)

            So, do you have any pictures of your 'tree-house'? (DOH!!!!)

            Love and Happiness
            Hippie
            xx
            "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." Kahlil Gibran
            Clean and sober 25th January 2009

            Comment

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