WORLD SMELLS BETTER THAN AT ANY TIME SINCE 1850
THIS year has been the best smelling since global smell records began, the United Nations confirmed last night.
Now all your favourite spoons can smell like an Alpine meadow
Eight of the ten most fragrant years of all time have occurred since 1994, despite a worldwide increase in urine.
In the 500 years following the Black Death the global smell remained consistently awful, a bit like a pair of damp gym socks, rubbed in pork and left inside a sack.
The first major improvements came in 1850 when Isambard Kingdom Brunel patented his Heavy Gauge Pig Washer and Cotton Jenny.
The invention of nylon led to a temporary rise in mustiness during the 1930s, while the austere, post-war Britain of the 1950s smelled of nothing at all. The late 1960s saw a new wave of smells emanating from California which made everyone want to have sex with strangers.
Dr Tom Logan, research chief at the Institute of Smells, said: "Welcome to The Age of Oust! It doesn't just mask odours, it kills the odour-causing bacteria in the air."
Dr Logan said Oust products would soon be built-in to every household appliance and that he had seen sketches of a scented candle that you strap to your chin.
But Professor Wayne Hayes, deputy director of the Odour Association, dismissed Dr Logan's claims insisting that humankind had now entered 'The Febreze Century'.
He said: "Febreze is a freshener and an eradicator. Anyone who suggests otherwise is a stinking fascist. Febreze!"
Dr Logan stressed that Professor Hayes had attended a polytechnic, adding: "Oust!"
Both experts agree that while 2007 has been a very good smelling year, there is mounting evidence that 2008 will stink like a toilet at a vegetarian music festival.
THIS year has been the best smelling since global smell records began, the United Nations confirmed last night.
Now all your favourite spoons can smell like an Alpine meadow
Eight of the ten most fragrant years of all time have occurred since 1994, despite a worldwide increase in urine.
In the 500 years following the Black Death the global smell remained consistently awful, a bit like a pair of damp gym socks, rubbed in pork and left inside a sack.
The first major improvements came in 1850 when Isambard Kingdom Brunel patented his Heavy Gauge Pig Washer and Cotton Jenny.
The invention of nylon led to a temporary rise in mustiness during the 1930s, while the austere, post-war Britain of the 1950s smelled of nothing at all. The late 1960s saw a new wave of smells emanating from California which made everyone want to have sex with strangers.
Dr Tom Logan, research chief at the Institute of Smells, said: "Welcome to The Age of Oust! It doesn't just mask odours, it kills the odour-causing bacteria in the air."
Dr Logan said Oust products would soon be built-in to every household appliance and that he had seen sketches of a scented candle that you strap to your chin.
But Professor Wayne Hayes, deputy director of the Odour Association, dismissed Dr Logan's claims insisting that humankind had now entered 'The Febreze Century'.
He said: "Febreze is a freshener and an eradicator. Anyone who suggests otherwise is a stinking fascist. Febreze!"
Dr Logan stressed that Professor Hayes had attended a polytechnic, adding: "Oust!"
Both experts agree that while 2007 has been a very good smelling year, there is mounting evidence that 2008 will stink like a toilet at a vegetarian music festival.