>'Lizard Birth'
>
>If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
>the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
>goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
>LOUD!
>
>Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>
>Here's what happened:
>
>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
>there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
>lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
>
>'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
>serious, Dad. Can you help?'
>
>I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
>followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
>was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
>immediately knew what to do.
>
>'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
>
>'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
>babies.'
>
>'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
>Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
>
>I was equally outraged.
>
>'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
>want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
>
>'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
>cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
>sarcastically!)
>
>'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
>reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
>voice, while gritting my teeth).
>
>'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
>
>'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
>know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>
>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
>what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
>the best of it.
>
>'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
>I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
>of birth.'
>
>'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
>
>'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
>with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
>to know.
>
>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
>looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
>a scant second later.
>
>'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
>noted.
>
>'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
>
>'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
>
>'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
>the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
>It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
>same results.
>
>'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
>
>'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
>see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>
>'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
>the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
>'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
>
>'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
>him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
>mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
>is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
>
>The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
>'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
>scientifically.
>
>'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
>Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
>
>I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
>'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
>
>'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
>in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
>Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
>occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
>male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
>the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
>glancing at my wife.
>
>We were silent, absorbing this.
>
>'So, Ernie's just just . . excited,' my wife offered.
>
>'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
>
>More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
>giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
>'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
>believing that the woman I married would commit
>the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
>Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
>I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little '
>She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
>more.
>
>'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
>hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
>the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
>'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
>he told me.
>
>'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
>with laughter.
>
>Two lizards: $140.
>
>One cage: $50.
>
>Trip to the vet: $30.
>
>Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
>
>Priceless!
>
>Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>
>Lizards lay eggs!
>
>If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
>the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
>goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
>LOUD!
>
>Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
>
>Here's what happened:
>
>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
>there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
>lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
>
>'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
>serious, Dad. Can you help?'
>
>I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
>followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
>was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
>immediately knew what to do.
>
>'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
>
>'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
>babies.'
>
>'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
>Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
>
>I was equally outraged.
>
>'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
>want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
>
>'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
>cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
>sarcastically!)
>
>'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
>reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
>voice, while gritting my teeth).
>
>'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
>
>'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
>know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
>
>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
>what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
>the best of it.
>
>'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
>I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
>of birth.'
>
>'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
>
>'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
>with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
>to know.
>
>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
>looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
>a scant second later.
>
>'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
>noted.
>
>'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
>
>'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
>
>'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
>the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
>It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
>same results.
>
>'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
>
>'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
>see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
>
>'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
>the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
>'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
>
>'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
>him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
>mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
>is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
>
>The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
>peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
>
>'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
>scientifically.
>
>'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
>Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
>
>I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
>'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
>
>'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
>in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
>Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
>occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
>male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
>the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
>glancing at my wife.
>
>We were silent, absorbing this.
>
>'So, Ernie's just just . . excited,' my wife offered.
>
>'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
>
>More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
>giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
>
>'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
>believing that the woman I married would commit
>the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
>Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
>I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little '
>She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
>more.
>
>'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
>hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
>the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
>'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
>he told me.
>
>'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
>with laughter.
>
>Two lizards: $140.
>
>One cage: $50.
>
>Trip to the vet: $30.
>
>Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
>
>Priceless!
>
>Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
>
>Lizards lay eggs!
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