Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Comment