BANK BAIL-OUT THWARTED BY POWERFUL SOUP KITCHEN LOBBY
THE $700 billion rescue of Wall Street has been held up after intense lobbying by America's vast and powerful soup manufacturers.
Meanwhile Knorr is demanding at least half the proposed rescue package be diverted into a contingency fund for chicken stock cubes.
Pressure from 'Big Soup' has even led to bribery accusations, with one senator being offered a $2 million campaign contribution and as much cock-a-leekie as he could stuff in the back of his car.
A spokesman for Campbell's said: "The US economy must be allowed to go through all the phases of its natural cycle. We've had 'psychotic greed' and 'frenzied panic' and now it's time for 'soup kitchen'.
"The millions of jobs lost will soon be replaced by high quality positions within America's fast growing soup industry. We'll need experienced marketing executives to hand out flyers and, of course, somebody has to make all the soup.
"This will be nothing like the 1930s. Back then no-one cared about the quality of the soup or the queuing experience. It was all very drab and everyone looked so thin and sad.
"These days we use only the finest ingredients and we'll have plenty serving stations so no-one should have to shuffle pathetically for more than 20 minutes. We've even lined-up Robin Williams to keep everyone entertained while we change the pots."
He added: "Taste our harvest tomato with basil and tell me you wouldn't beg for it."
THE $700 billion rescue of Wall Street has been held up after intense lobbying by America's vast and powerful soup manufacturers.
The economic forecast is 'warm and chunky'
A cartel, led by Campbell's, is urging Congress to reject the plan and give Americans the chance to queue for a steaming bowlful of hearty broth.Meanwhile Knorr is demanding at least half the proposed rescue package be diverted into a contingency fund for chicken stock cubes.
Pressure from 'Big Soup' has even led to bribery accusations, with one senator being offered a $2 million campaign contribution and as much cock-a-leekie as he could stuff in the back of his car.
A spokesman for Campbell's said: "The US economy must be allowed to go through all the phases of its natural cycle. We've had 'psychotic greed' and 'frenzied panic' and now it's time for 'soup kitchen'.
"The millions of jobs lost will soon be replaced by high quality positions within America's fast growing soup industry. We'll need experienced marketing executives to hand out flyers and, of course, somebody has to make all the soup.
"This will be nothing like the 1930s. Back then no-one cared about the quality of the soup or the queuing experience. It was all very drab and everyone looked so thin and sad.
"These days we use only the finest ingredients and we'll have plenty serving stations so no-one should have to shuffle pathetically for more than 20 minutes. We've even lined-up Robin Williams to keep everyone entertained while we change the pots."
He added: "Taste our harvest tomato with basil and tell me you wouldn't beg for it."
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