When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
He who laughs last didn't get it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
The road to success is always under construction.
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. - Mrs. White, (Clue 1985)
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush
He who laughs last didn't get it.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
The road to success is always under construction.
Son, employees are like mules. Some you stand in front of and coax them along with a carrot. Some you stand behind and kick them in the ass. The key to managemeant is knowing which mules are which.
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.