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    COLONOSCOPY

    This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment

    for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color

    diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place,

    at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the

    colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I

    nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my

    brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for

    a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a

    microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it

    to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In

    accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I

    had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder

    together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.

    (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)

    Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because

    MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and

    urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great

    sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel

    movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off

    your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:

    Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep

    experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the

    commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to

    the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when

    you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of

    MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the

    future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my

    wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried

    about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of

    MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you

    apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and

    totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a

    room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little

    curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital

    garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,

    makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already

    lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their

    MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but

    then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it

    to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You

    would have no choice but to burn your house.


    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where


    Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the

    17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I

    was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,


    and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my

    hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

    'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that

    could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be

    the least appropriate.

    You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I

    said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a

    decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell

    you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling

    'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was

    back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking

    down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more

    excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had

    passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    ABOUT THE WRITER

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies...

    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite

    humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his

    patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'`

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'


    And the best one of all.

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    sigpic
    Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
    awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

    #2
    COLONOSCOPY

    LMAO!!! Been there done that--not fun--but that account was hilarious. Especially "your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet" and #13.

    Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible.


    St. Francis of Assisi

    Comment


      #3
      COLONOSCOPY

      Absolutely hilarious rubywillow.

      went looking for more of the same

      Dave Barry | MiamiHerald.com
      Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! KISS SLOWLY Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. sigpic


      Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

      ?Oh no....he's awake!! Cos he's bleeding sober again

      Comment


        #4
        COLONOSCOPY

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBMsPNI6EZE&feature=player_embedded[/video]]YouTube - Billy Connolly - Colonoscopy


        Q. I take it on the MWO forums Youtube videos cannot be displayed only links ??
        Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! KISS SLOWLY Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. sigpic


        Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says...

        ?Oh no....he's awake!! Cos he's bleeding sober again

        Comment


          #5
          COLONOSCOPY

          Correct, only links
          vegan zombies want your grains

          Comment


            #6
            COLONOSCOPY

            rubywillow;1090533 wrote: And the best one of all.

            13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
            :H:H:H Made me laugh out loud...thanks Rubes
            :flower: I'm not as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better than I used to be.

            Comment


              #7
              COLONOSCOPY

              That procedure is a pain in the ass ! Ha! Rubes.....great......LMAO...It was like reading War and Peace though ! Ha! Love Ya' Rubes ! Tony
              ?Be who you are and say what you feel because
              those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.?
              Dr. Seuss

              Comment


                #8
                COLONOSCOPY

                :H:H:H
                Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read

                Comment


                  #9
                  COLONOSCOPY

                  My daughter is having one tomorrow - I wanted to send this to her but just couldn't 'cos I was being nice!!!!!
                  How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now and there will never be a time when it is not now....

                  Comment

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