A Year on My Computer

[Preciouspinot]

SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR ON MY COMPUTER



I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the

glue on envelopes because I now use a wet towel with every envelope that

needs sealing.



Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny

Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for

participating in their special e-mail program.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.



I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email

to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



I no longer drink Coca Cola because I've learned that it can remove

toilet stains.



I no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so

a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.



I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



I now know that I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore

because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually

Al Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,

Singapore, and Uzbekistan.



I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my

free replacement pair from Nike.



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have

their recipe.



Thanks to my many Internet friends, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine

because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me

instant death when it bites my butt.



And thanks to the great advice, I will never pick up $5.00 I dropped in

the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester

waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

[lushy]

A Year on My Computer

I have seen this before and it is a keeper!!! So funny.

[Rocky]

A Year on My Computer

Salute!!!

[Popeye]

A Year on My Computer

Hi Precious

I liked that a lot.

[irishlady]

A Year on My Computer

:H :H :H Brilliant....