1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.
4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
You'll also be getting paid for it.
6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place.
7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
11. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
12. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
14. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
The next two are especially for Mac
15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
16. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.
17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
19. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
21. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone
with whom you disagree.
22. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.
23. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
24. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
25. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
26. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
27. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and
the other in your coat pocket.
28. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.
2. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.
4. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
5. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
You'll also be getting paid for it.
6. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
the first place.
7. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning
after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
11. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
12. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
13. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
14. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
The next two are especially for Mac
15. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.
16. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.
17. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
18. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.
19. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so it may as well look like one.
20. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
21. Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone
with whom you disagree.
22. Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.
23. At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
24. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
25. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
26. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
27. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and
the other in your coat pocket.
28. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
eace:
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