Paddy is safe now !

[dixon]

Paddy is a drunkard and yet Maureen has never tasted alcohol in her whole life.
"Hey, you drunk," she says one day, "give me that bottle. I want to taste whatever it is that has made you the bum you are."

Taking the bottle of cheap whiskey, she takes a good gulp from it. "Yuk," she gasps, "that's the most vile-tasting liquid that has ever passed my lips. It tastes terrible."
"You see," says Paddy, "and all these years you thought I was having a good time."

[dixon]

Paddy is safe now !

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant, "it is alcohol, and alcohol alone, that is responsible for your present sorry state."

"I am glad to hear you say that," replied Paddy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it is all my fault!"

[dixon]

Paddy is safe now !

Paddy is feeling sad as he orders his tenth beer at the Loony Licker Pub.

"What's wrong, Paddy?" asks Igor, the bartender.
"I lost my dog," sobs Paddy.

"Why don't you put an advertisement in the newspaper?" suggests Igor.
"It is no good," moans Paddy. "My dog can't read."

[dixon]

Paddy is safe now !

An unshaven, dirty, bedraggled panhandler, with bloodshot eyes and teeth half gone, asks Paddy for a dime.

"Do you drink, smoke, or gamble?" asks Paddy.
"Mister," says the bum, "I don't touch a drop, or smoke the filthy weed, or bother with evil gambling."

"Okay," says Paddy, "if you will come home with me I will give you a dollar."
As they enter the house, Maureen takes Paddy aside and hisses, "How dare you bring that terrible looking specimen into our home!?"

"Darling," says Paddy, "I just wanted you to see what a man looks like who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't gamble."