.Hot Wax is not our Friend
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...as you could just see this happening!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mea n, I'm
not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(Ya think!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah,
right).
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull.
It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter
of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching down to th e
inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and spotted. I
think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breath, breathe...okay, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.
CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now c overed in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo hoo'?? sealed shut!
Butt?? sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself, 'please don't let me get the urge to
poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot
water!!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax covered bits and the water should melt and I can gently wipe it
off, right??? WRONG!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
s calding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?'
She laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH
RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to loose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The
scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!!
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...now that's funny. NOOOOTTT!!!
Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!
CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...as you could just see this happening!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax, you
just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mea n, I'm
not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(Ya think!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah,
right).
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull.
It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter
of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching down to th e
inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and spotted. I
think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breath, breathe...okay, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.
CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which
is now c overed in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo hoo'?? sealed shut!
Butt?? sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself, 'please don't let me get the urge to
poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot
water!!! Hot water melts wax!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax covered bits and the water should melt and I can gently wipe it
off, right??? WRONG!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
s calding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement
epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone
put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter.
'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?'
She laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH
RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and
then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to loose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The
scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!!
I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...now that's funny. NOOOOTTT!!!
Send this on to other ladies who need a good laugh!
eace:
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