Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time he wants.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday , so I went to our local pet shop and they were ?70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.?Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham , Bradford , Burnley , Leicester , Luton and London : Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter? , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."
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