joke of the day

[Stevo]

Doctor: You're overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You're also ugly.

So harsh haha.

[Stevo]

Most likely been posted before but I got a giggle as I was reading them and thought maybe some of the guys on here might too.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koalafications.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

My roommate told me my clothes look gay.

I was like, don’t be a dick dude; they just came out of the closet.

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

[Samstone]

If you had call waiting, could you talk to yourself?

[Samstone]

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[Samstone]

What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

[BenTen321]

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."

[Samstone]

A man from North Carolina goes into a bar in New England. He asks the bartender, "Did you go to Harvard?" The bartender says, "Yale." The North Carolinan says, "DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?"

[Samstone]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

[knobert]

I'm Norwegian

How do you get a one armed Norwegian out of a tree?

Wave to him.

[knobert]

Where does a bee keep his stinger at night?

In his honey

[knobert]

Ole avd lars

Ole and Lars were shopping for a car.
The salesman asked, "How much money do you have?"
Ole replies, "Lars and I have 50 bucks between us."
The salesman chuckles and says, "All I have for 50 dollars is this double humped camel here. But it's not as bad as it sounds. It knows the traffic laws. It stops at the red lights and goes at the green lights."
Ole and Lars were desperate so they buy the camel and ride away.

Two weeks later, the salesman is in the car lot and who walks up but Ole and Lars.
The salesman asks, "What can I help you boys with today?"
Ole replies, "We would like to buy another camel."
The salesman asks, "What happened to the first one?"
"Well," Ole says, "everything was going great. We were stopping at the red lights and going at the green lights and then one day we were stopped at this busy intersection downtown in the city. This guy in a sports car convertible pulls up behind us and says, Hey, look at those two assholes on that camel.

We got off to look---the light turned green.

[knobert]

You know you're a redneck when you find yourself staring at an orange juice container because it says "concentrate"

[knobert]

Once again, I'm Norwegian.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Norwegian are tragically killed in the same accident and meet St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter quickly informs them that due to immense popularity, they have to pass a test before they can enter heaven.
They have to spend 2 weeks alone in the desert with nothing.
They immediately reply that it would be impossible. That it couldn't be done.
St. Peter reconsiders and says, "I'll let you take one thing with you to help in your ordeal."

The Englishman thinks and says, "I'll take an umbrella with me so I can just sit in the shade all day."
The Frenchman thinks and says, "I'll take an orange tree with me and I'll just sit in the shade and if I get thirsty, I'll pick an orange."
The Norwegian ponders the question for some time and replies, "I'll just take a car door with me."
St. Peter asks, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door with you?"
The Norwegian replies.

"That's simple. If it gets hot, I'll just roll down the window."

[Samstone]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Samstone]

A man is waiting outside a really swanky bar on New Years Eve. The bar is having a new Year's Eve party where you pay $90 for entry, but you get unlimited free drinks for the rest of the night. While he is waiting in the ridiculous line outside, where there are at least 300 people, he meets this woman with a horse head masks. He asks her, "why do you have that horse head on?" She says, "because I like tiny carrots." Taking this as sexual innuendo, he continues to talk to this woman. As they are talking, he becomes convinced that this is the love of his life. After 3 hours of waiting in line and talking, he thinks that he really knows this woman to the very core of her soul. Then finally, they reach the front of the line and get into the bar. The man realizes that he desperately has to pee, but he doesn't want to lose track of this girl. He exchanges numbers with her and they promise to meet up again in the downstairs portion of the party -- near where the balloon drop will occur. The man goes off to the bathroom, but there is another enormous line. The man barely thinks he can hold it. He waits and waits and waits, and finally he decides to just skip the line, shoves aside a man that was about to wash his hands, and pees in the sink. After leaving the bathroom, the man searches frantically for the girl in the horse head. Sadly, he sees the horse head lying on the floor of the bar. He doesn't know what this girl looks like! Slightly depressed, he heads over to the big jug of spiked punch at a nearby table, and luckily, there is no punch line!