joke of the day

[Guitarista]

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

[knobert]

Sam

Boo

I got all revd up but you left me no where to go!

I enjoyed the read though

Knob

[knobert]

Ole and Lars

Ole and Lars are trying to become citizens of the U.S.
The immigration officer asks Ole, "What do you do for a living?"
Ole replies, "I'm a diesel fitter."
The officer replies, "Well, that's a good profession. You could be a good contributor to our society. You can be a citizen."

Then Lars steps up and the officer asks him what he does for a living. Lars replies, "I sew the cotton linings inside the women's underwear."
The officer thinks and says, "There is really no call for that profession here in the states. I'm sorry, but your request is denied."

Ole asks Lars, "How did it go?"
Lars replies, "He said I can't be a citizen because my job isn't good enough. How about you?"
Ole says. "I told him I was a diesel fitter and he let me right in."
Lars got mad and they approach the officer.
Lars asks, "How come you let Ole in but not me?"
The officer replies, "Ole has a better profession than you."

Lars replies, "No he doesn't. I sew the cotton linings inside the women's underwear, then Ole puts them on his head and goes "Yah, Dees 'il fit 'er"

[knobert]

Ole and lars

Ole bought a brand new rifle with a high powered scope. He asked Lars if he would sight the scope in for him because Lars just happened to be the best shot in the county.
Lars says, "Why sure, I'ld be happy to. I'll just use the window of your house there." and Lars starts looking through the scope.
A little bit later he says, "Hey Ole, this is a pretty good scope and I can see right in through your living room window there and I see Lena and she's got no clothes on."
Ole laughs and replies, "Oh that Lena. She likes to do her chores in the nude."
"But Ole", Lars says, "She's not alone. Sven is there."
Well Ole was no dummy and he got mad right away, so he tells Lars, "Lars, this is what I want you to do. I want you to shoot Lena right between the eyes, and then I want you to take and shoot Sven's manhood clean away."
"Ok Ole", Lars replies.
So Lars sets the gun on a fence post and starts to take careful aim.
A little bit later, he turns to Ole and says,

"Hey Ole, by golly I think I can get them both with one shot"!

[Byrdlady]

Shay_Fox,
I have reported all of your posts. There are rules here that dictate NO SELLING on the boards....I find what you are selling to be particularly disturbing as you are preying on people who may be out of good options. At the very least, it's insensitive, not to mention illegal.
Please take your business elsewhere....Byrdie

[Samstone]

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
She replies, "Sorry, this is a library."
The blonde whispers, "Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?"

[Samstone]

A bear wearing a hat walks into a bear with a man.
Man: I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo.
Bartender: What's a Matabooboo?
Bear: Nuttin' Yogi.

[Samstone]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus that can play any instrument in the world. Everyone laughs, so he says he'll bet $50. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, so the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I get its pajamas off."


A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender, startled, asks, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" The blind man says, "Just taking a look around..."

[Stevo]

You inspired me Sam.Here's a few Star Wars jokes to celebrate the new Star Wars movie.

Q: Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? A: To get to the Dark Side.

Q: When did Anakin's Jedi masters know he was leaning towards the dark side? A: In the Sith Grade.

Q: What do you call a pirate droid? A: Argh2-D2

Q: Why does Leia wear buns on her head? A: In case she gets hungry in a Senate meeting.

Q: Why did the crazy Angrallian Toobir cross the nebula? A: To get to the other dementia.

They are definitely not of the highest caibre,but I thought that they might bring some smiles.

[knobert]

Redneck

How can you tell if a redneck is level headed?

The chewing tobacco runs equally out of both sides of his mouth!

[Samstone]

what do you call memory loss in a parrot?

Polynesia.

[Samstone]

A man took his parrot to the vet because it had been sick. The vet said, "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is, your bird has chirpees. The good news is, it's tweetable."

[knobert]

Hey Samstone

That's a cute one. It reminded of this:

Why do Norwegian women wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out tide.

Knobert

P.S.-- I'm Norwegian

[Samstone]

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a porcupine walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the porcupine's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the porcupine. "Your name is written inside the cover."

[Samstone]

A blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"