joke of the day

[NoSugar]

Another good short one that I can remember! Funny that these always happen in bars :wink:.

[Samstone]

These are "Tom Swifties"--a phrase in which a quoted sentence is linked
by a pun to the manner in which it is attributed.

"I manufacture tabletops for kitchen cabinets." said Tom counterproductively.
"I'll need to change my violin strings again", was Tom's gut reaction.
"You're wearing mink." she inferred
"Did you know I'm singing in a vocal group at the Mormon Tabernacle?" Tom inquired
"The cantaloupe gave me a stomach ache" said Tom melancholically.
"I've attached the reins to my pony's headgear." Tom bridled hoarsely.
"My glasses are fogged up", said Tom optimistically.
"The grizzly is climbing the tree beneath me!" said Tom overbearingly.
"The prisoner escaped by climbing down a rope," said Tom condescendingly.

[Samstone]

Two beautiful statues were standing in a garden -- they had been there for a hundred years looking longingly at one another, but being statues and unable to move, they couldn't do anything about it. One day a fairy godmother took pity on them and whapped them each on the head with her wand, turning them into humans. "Because I've taken pity on your plight, " she told them, "I have given you both the gift of life for one hour. Now at last you can consummate your love for one another."

Well, the two statues look at one another and run off into the bushes. For a half an hour, there is much rustling of leaves and giggling, until they both stumble out from behind the bushes looking dishevelled and grinning from ear to ear.

The fairy godmother winks at them and says, "You both still have a half-hour left, you know!"

Upon which point one statue turns to the other and says, "Great! This time, you hold down the pigeon, and I'll crap on its head!"

[NoSugar]

Love the statue joke!

I'm feeling dull, though - I can't get this one!:

"I'll need to change my violin strings again", was Tom's gut reaction.

[Samstone]

Love the statue joke!

I'm feeling dull, though - I can't get this one!:

NS,
Strings used to be made out of gut : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catgut

[Samstone]

The bartender replies: "Sorry, but we don't serve particles faster than light."

A Neutrino walks into a bar.

[Samstone]

QUESTIONS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT:


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[Stevo]

If nothing sticks to Teflon,how do they stick it to the pan?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week,why do they have locks on the doors?

Just a couple that I wonder about.

[Samstone]

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates,
being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"


To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.

"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.

"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates,
and she realizes it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral,
I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia…

[NoSugar]

Probably too long for me to deliver, but very good!

[Samstone]

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."

[Samstone]

A Panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich and a beer. After he finishes he gets up, pulls a pistol and shoots the mirror behind the bar. Then he walks out the door.

The bar tender rushes out and accosts the Panda "hey, what did you do that for?".

To which the Panda replies "I'm a Panda. Look it up".

Later the bar tender looks up "Panda" in the dictionary and finds this entry:

"Panda: a large Asian mammal; member of the bear family; eats shoots and leaves."

[Samstone]

Have you heard about the wafer that cures bad breath in dogs? Its called the Supercolliefragilebiscuitexpehallitosis.

[Samstone]

John Smith goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $1500.Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $380,000.The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

John, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' John screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ....'*

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !

[Samstone]

There was a knock on tha door this Saturday morning. I opened tha door to find a well dressed young man standing there who said.... "Hello sir I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

So I said come on in and we'll sit down over a cup'a coffee. So he did , and I said "what do you want to talk about"?

He answered " beats tha heck out'a me, nobody's ever let me in before".