joke of the day

[Bandit]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

[Bandit]

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."

The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

[Bandit]

An Irishman walks by a bar...it could happen

[Byrdlady]

:haha: :haha: :haha:

[scottish lass]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Samstone]

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

[Bandit]

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a penguin sitting next to him.
"Are you a penguin?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The penguin replied, "Well, I liked the book."

[Bandit]

Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

[Samstone]

Finally, a written breathe test

Untitled attachment 00502.jpg

[Pie]

Finally, a written breathe test

[ATTACH=CONFIG]1383[/ATTACH]

Way too funny, Sam!!

[satz123]

Horse walks into a bar

Barman says "why the long face" ? :haha:

[Guitarista]

A duck walks into a chemist. 'I'll take this pink lipstick thanks'......will that be cash or cheque Duck? 'Nah, put it on my bill'.

[Stevo]

A man and his pet kangaroo walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my kangaroo."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the kangaroo falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a kangaroo."

[Samstone]

An insurance salesman stops at a farmer's house and sees the wife hanging up laundry on the clothesline. He walks up and says to her "I'd like to speak to you about some insurance", to which she replies that he would have to speak to her husband who's around back feeding the pigs. The salesman walks around the back of the house and there's the farmer holding a pig up in the air and the pig is eating apples off an apple tree. He puts the pig down and grabs another one that is eagerly waiting its turn, then holds the pig up and the pig begins eating apples off the tree. The salesman is dumbfounded and exclaims" not only is that the dumbest thing I've ever seen but that is a complete waste of time." The farmer glances over at the salesman and replies "what's time to a pig?"

[Stevo]

That's one clever farmer Samstone