Here I Go Again

[Reenie]

Hi All: I visit this site daily and really do find it very supportive. From time to time I post. Tonight I felt compelled to do so. I got drunk again last night. I woke up on the sofa with a messy kitchen nearby. I'm so sickened with myself right now. What started with one Absolute and Cranbury lead to me drinking practically a full bottle of Absolute. My husband is ticked off at me, and has given me an ultimatum. He stated that if get bombedd again, he wants a divorce. I've been crying all day. I hate having this disease. I hate for not only what it is doing to me, but to my loving husband and our marriage. My father is out on the west coast (California). He actually called me this morning 5 am his time. He left a message on my machine telling me he had a dream about me and was hoping I was okay. I just got off the phone with him. I was honest and told him that I was drunk last night and that I was massively hung over this morning and his dream was realty. I hate for what I'm doing to my father as well. I really don't know where to turn. I went to an AA meeting during my work day today, and will go again tomorrow. In addition, I'll call my therapist and schedule the next appointment she has available. I'm so scared that I'm going to mess up again. I'm also thinking of going into rehab. What bothers me about that is family and friends will know I'm gone for 30 days. I don't know why I feel that being in rehab is embarassing but I do. I'm trying to convince myself not to care what others may think that I have to do whatever it takes to save my life and my marriage. I'm full of shame, guilt and am overall a mental mess right now. -Reenie

[happycamper68]

Here I Go Again

Reenie!
I am so glad you are back! Stop disappearing so much!
You do whatever you feel you need to do! I am all for detoxing. Maybe you could just go to detox for a few days and then come back to the site instead of rehab? Then go on some meds like Campral or Naltrexone? Just keep posting we all love you here. I am so glad you are back you are the first person I actually physically met on the site (at the Starbucks with Sunshine Brian). You seemed so ready to make a change after you read the letter your father wrote to you. He loves you so much and so does your hubby. Keep reading that letter Reenie. :h

[Reenie]

Here I Go Again

Nice to hear from you HC. I think of you often. I was doing okay for a while there. My slip ups seem to be more and more...and getting worse each time. We should try to meet up in NYC again. I haven't seen Sunshine Brian's posts in ages. Are you two still in touch?

[Mags]

Here I Go Again

Hey Reenie

I am sending you a PM since I am not very far from NYC and I think we may have a few members who live in Gotham - like I used to. Please don't feel hopeless and down on yourself. Many of us have been where you are. My husband threatened to leave me several times, but thank God he never did. You know that men are never quite as tough as they pretend to be.
You just have to hang in there and not drink - not drinking is the most imprtant thing you can do right now.
Take care, I am PMing you.

[Breez]

Here I Go Again

Hi Reenie-

I'm sure your hubby is at his wits end & doesn't like to see you like that. If he sees you try to get help his tune will change. I'm sure he didn't even mean it-I bet it was out of desperation for you to get better.

Only you know what will help you. Know that whatever choice you make-your friends & family will still adore you- and even more. Rehab is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of a person who is taking control of their life.

I wish you the very best. I had been in your shoes. It feels like the walls have all closed in on you. Remember that tomorrow is another day & today will be the past.

Just a side note: ever since I had gone AF my family life has improved. My husband has fallen in love with me all over again. But I didn't go AF for him-I did it for me. I had to fix me before I fixed my relationships with those I loved.

[morrison]

Here I Go Again

Hi Reenie. Ditto the advice above. I too get the fear that I will screw up again. That is why I need to remember to come here as much as I can. Plus, do the routing (meds and supps, excersice, etc.) It worked for me before. Have you been sticking to the routine that helped you in the past? Has there been a trigger? Something that made you sad or angry, and you turned to the bottle? It's important that we stick to a routine that works, and also watch out for those triggers. I think you are on the right track, despite your slip up. I'm sure it was a tough day, with that nasty hangover. Close to a bottle of booze, and I'm sure your nerves are shot. You'll feel better in a couple days, so just remember not to get tempted again. Its times like these that we need to remember. Please just don't feel too much shame and guilt, as that is very destructive too.

[Accountable for Me]

Here I Go Again

Reenie - good to see you back. Don't worry about feeling embarrassed about attending a rehab or a detox program. It takes a lot of 'balls' to pick yourself up and get yourself some help. You will only gain respect for wanting to gain control in your life. Do whatever it takes! The feelings of shame will pass. There are great programs out there. Utilize everything you can.

[YoungAtHeart]

Here I Go Again

Reenie, I think that rehab would be wonderful for you if you can get past the embarrassment. I understand how you feel; it would be hard for me to go too. Your husband and family might actually be relieved though.

At any rate, I am wishing you all the best right now. Boy, your dad has a sixth sense, doesn't he? Wow!

Take care!

Hugs,
Kathy

[lucky 2.0]

Here I Go Again

Before you go to rehab, check the success rate. I think they are all dismal. Drugs are the way to go IMHO.

All the best.

[magic]

Here I Go Again

Hi Reenie

Rehab. and Topamax saved my life. Concurrently.

I couldn't have done one with out the other.

In my experience, Breez is right, entering rehab. is a sign of strength and character, not failure. It takes a woman of wisdom to realise she needs help and seek it. Whatever it takes.

My best,

magic xx:schmokin:

[sujul]

Here I Go Again

Hey Reenie--Good to see you! :l :l

I've only got a moment so I'll just say this quickly--

I went to rehab for 10 days last year and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. It wasn't do much about the program itself but going to rehab reinforced my commitment to being AF and getting my life back.... By going for treatment I knew that, this time, I was really serious about freeing myself from my alcoholic nightmare.

Also, they did re-diagnose me as bipolar, which I had been diagnosed 10 years before before but I had decided that I wasn't--of course, I was actually self-medicating (unsuccessfully) with alcohol...now I'm on the appropriate medication and doing great. It was helpful to be de-toxed in a safe place with the right drugs and they also prescribed Campral which was hugely helpful. I took it for 6 months and then didn't need it anymore.

After I got out of rehab I came upon this site and I've been here(and totally AF) ever since....

Of course, everyone has to make their own decision about what's right for them...for me, rehab was the first step to my new life! I will never regret it and always be grateful that I finally found the strength to take that step for myself, and that I had the support of my family and friends to see me through it.

Do whatever you need to do for you! And stay close here--no need to try to do this alone when you've got this amazing community to turn to!
:l :l

[Reenie]

Here I Go Again

All: Thank you. I've "taken in" all of your advice and will apply it not only to stop drinking, but to my way of thinking. I know as the days go on, and when my emotions are put back in place, my guilt and shame will pass and I will regain my strenght. For me, routine is the key. I have a perscription for Campral. I popped all 6 pills yesterday, and will do the same today and so on. I also will go to AA as much as I can (leaving here shortly), and will re-connect with AA people I met in the past for support. In addition, I'll post more often on MWO, and continue to see my therapist every other week. Thank you for you support. I have a plan...Now I have to make it a routine and not give up.

[happycamper68]

Here I Go Again

Reenie good luck and let me know if you want to get together again!

I have not talked to Brian in a while (he's doing AA now I am pretty sure and he moved to New Jersey), but I think he would be up for a reunion! :h

[Pisces]

Here I Go Again

I reckon the Campral has helped me, I'm not cured, but drinking alot less and feeling better the day after, and most special to me, I'm feeling positive. YAY!

Love Jas xxx

[Guest]

Here I Go Again

Hi Reenie,
Sorry you`re feeling so disappointed in yourself........we`ve all been there........and we`ve all said we`d never do it again, but of course, we did!!!

Accepting things have to change is the way forward for all of us. You know you want to change, and you can make that happen. Drink isn`t worth losing anything over, least of all a good marriage.

I fully understand the stigma that still exists as regards rehab, but only you know if you can get sober without it. If not, I would tell you to get yourself into rehab and do not concern yourself with what other people`s `tiny` minds think of you doing so.

I wish you much love,

Starlight Impress