Mothers and Daughers

[Prest4time]

This is for all the mothers who have blown it....and your daughter who knows it.

But you are still close, but there is that wedge now.

I have done so awesome with this program, but my daughter (soon to be 17) accused me the minute my husband and I walked in the door tonight of wearing her skirt. Well I was. That is beside the issue. That issue lies in the fact that all of MY clothes are currently wadded up on her floor, so I had to wear something! I guess I do not complain about her raiding my closet, makeup and stuff because I feel guilty about my failures. So I have failed to draw boundries out of guilt.

But tonight, my husband and I went out with friends and I had ONE glass of wine over four hours, and walked in wearing (yes) her skirt. I didnt notice her sitting in the dining room when I walked in as my little one was chattering and my husband and I were talking, so she later accused me of being drunk because I did not hear her say, "Mom" when I walked in? This is so hurtful to me. We tried to have a good conversation, and I discovered half of my makeup in her purse, as well as my best jeans, but she said I am a "victim" and she cannot trust me. My heart is breaking. I think daughters are so fragile, and my heart is breaking that I may have broken hers.

I think the song by John Mayer, "Daughters" is so fitting. Wish I had the link.

Allie

[magic]

Mothers and Daughers

"Daughters" John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it?s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made (I don't think so!)

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

magic xx:heart:

[Prest4time]

Mothers and Daughers

Oh... sorry,
left out a major point that the reason we had a tiff tonight was that she was mad that I had her skirt on. But she literally raids my closet every morning and takes my stuff. So my husband was witness to this tonight and we both called her on it. I had some other issues going on that were upsetting, so I started crying, and my daughter pointed at me and said, "Dad.... she is doing the victim thing!"

My husband did not let her get away with it. But its been a tough thing.

Bring on the BOYS!!

[Prest4time]

Mothers and Daughers

Would love some feedback from Moms of teen girls who feel like they hate them now?? (meaning you feel your daughter hates you)

My daughter is mad because of her real dad leaving her, my drinking, but she is so happy I am better, but she is so mean to me at the same time.

Does anyone else have this experience or have advice?

[Prest4time]

Mothers and Daughers

And THANK YOU MAGIC! That was the song I was wanting to share.. if only the music to go along. I wish I knew how to do that.

That song pretty much sums it up for us. Sorry to post so much on my own thread! LOL!

I'll shut up now.

[imatree]

Mothers and Daughers

Prest - OMG do I have daughter problems. Had a row with mine tonight (ha, I said 'row' - that's rachel's influence). Anyway, nothing new we have arguments all the time. And she is only 10!!! It's always been like this, since she was a toddler. She's a redhead and a tough cookie. I've read every book I can find on raising the "spirited" child. And no matter what, I always blame every argument, all her mood swings, all if it, on my self. I can't even IMAGINE the teen years.

I have stories upon stories about my relationship with my daughter. But its funny... just today I was thinking... "well, at least she isn't aware that I ahve a drinking problem". And well, lo and behold, she in her spooky wisdom, tonight watching tv out of the blue she says, " Momma, why do you drink so much?" Godammit!

Prest - I have started a wonderful book for moms of girls in puberty and adolescence called "Girl in the Mirror". First off, the author acknowledges that there is no closer relationship - and therefore no relationship more potentially volatile and heart wrenching - than that between a mother and daughter. An interesting foundation of the book is that so many of todays mothers have girls who are going through puberty/adolescence at the same time the mom is beginning the stages of menopause. She points out that both are going through monumental life changes, as in absolute restructuring of identities, at the same frigging time. No wonder it's hell! Alas... she offers hope, giving guidance to help mom and daughter to grow as individuals and together in their relationship with consciousness that they are both going through major changes... instead of being in constant conflict. I highly recommend the book.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE........ that's what we need, it's what they need. Hard part is figuring out how to give it cleanly and without any muck.

I feel for you sista.

[magic]

Mothers and Daughers

"Daughters"

You are so welcome.

One of my favorite songs.....

My daughter and I just recently saw him in concert and he DID NOT play it!

I would just add one thing Ms. Tree to your spot on assessment, being the menopausal mother of a 16 year old daughter.

As we, mothers, begin to delay childbearing by just those few years, we also find ourselves caring for aging/death of parents at the time we are dealing with menopause issues and darling daughters PMS. We are pulled in all directions, at once.
Daughters don't understand that. :no:

And I agree, what they need is LOVE, even when it is SO flipping hard to give and it is SO hard to remember that you are the parent and when all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry.......see if she'll quit fighting long enough to have a quick snuggle or at least a hug.

Good Luck!

magic xx:schmokin:

[sally114]

Mothers and Daughers

daughter surely do bring on the guilt thing - oNe of my daughters makes me feel like she hates me but she is willing to continue to take from me. The interesting thing is her dad - who bankrupted us with his gambling and drinking can do no wrong! I will never understand

[betty boop]

Mothers and Daughers

Prest, hopefully this is the song .....

[ame=

]YouTube - Daughters - John Mayer[/ame]

Love & Hugs, BB xx

[Guest]

Mothers and Daughers

Hi Prest4time,

My daughter is 15 now and we have a wonderful close relationship.
However, I am painfully aware that, in a sense, she `lost` me to drink when she was 10.
I have really curbed my drinking now, although only recently, and I know she loves me all the more for doing that.

Am still heartbroken at how I allowed me, her mother, to become a drunk.
I think our kids forgive, but I doubt very much that they can ever forget. How I wish they could.................

Much love,

Starlight Impress

[Guest]

Mothers and Daughers

Allie,
I have a teenager too! AND OH THEY CAN BE SO MEAN!!! YOU...YOU...YOU have to let go of the guilt. It is the only way you will be able to parent. I had to learn that too. I finally got tired of the drama and the DRUNK stories being thrown in my face so here is what I did ..I said " Brit, you are right, I said and did alot of stupid, horrible things, but I am healing and I am better and you are not going to keep punishing me for the past. I have apologized. That is all I can do. I can not take the past back. You would not like me to punish you forever for mistakes made, so as of today we move forward. As of today as a family we will heal. I love you deeply and I am sorry, but this was not a choice I made, I did not chose this path, this is a illness and I am doing my best to get better. And I will not be beaten down along my quest. You can get mad at me, but you will not disrespect me in regards to this again. Not ever!" AND Allie...I am almost 3 months AF...and she hasn't said another cruel word to me about it....she has a sharp tongue to. I kept my end of the deal up......and she did too.
PS...I agree...boys are easier...bring on the boys...they are cheaper too!!!!

[YoungAtHeart]

Mothers and Daughers

Hi Prest,

This may be of scant comfort to you right now, but here it is:

Your daughter still loves you dearly, but there are several things going on. I've been through lots of them! My daughter is 17 too.

The closer that girls are to their moms, the more they have to fight with them to be emotionally separate and become their own women. If you can hang in there, this will pass. They truly become lovely women when they have had the chance to differentiate from you and have some independence.

Your daughter is more secure in her relationship with you than with her real father, therefore "lucky" you gets the brunt of her anger and resentment about the breakup and abandonment. You are safer to her (even with your drinking history). You have always been there. I know you and you are a caring mother, even when drinking. You just haven't been a PERFECT mother.

Teenage girls "project" a lot of their own unlikable traits onto others in their lives. This is what enables her to be enraged that you took her skirt while the entire contents of your closet can be lying on her bedroom floor, which she considers no big deal. She is not old enough yet to be willing to openly acknowledge HER IMPACT on others. Your husband did the right thing on calling her on this, even if she acted resentful.

You may have made a mistake out of not setting more boundaries with clothes and such, but what loving mother doesn't make some mistakes. It's never too late to start, and also to start asking for more respect. I've had to do that with my own daughter. I could give you lots of examples, but that would be a book in itself! The truth is that I think we have a great relationship, but there are still plenty of skirmishes. In the past, my daughter has treated me with such comtempt that it has made me cry, too, but I've tried to do it in the privacy of my room, so that she wouldn't see and become even more contemptuous. Your daughter loves you, Prest--the rift is there mostly because she is growing up. Please stop beating yourself up and saying you've blown it! Don't grovel. Give yourself the respect you deserve, and she might start giving you some respect too! REALLY!

Hugs,
Kathy

[Prest4time]

Mothers and Daughers

Thanks so much.... great advice everyone!

Luv, sounds like how you handled your daughter with such tact and security, as well as the three months of AF has really made an impact. I am taking that to heart.

Kathy, your wisdom is so profound. Its hard for me to imagine at a time like this that she could possibly still love me. We had the worst fight ever last night, and I wasnt even drinking. Well, with the exception of the one glass of wine over dinner a few hours earlier. I can understand that she has pre-concieved ideas about how I will be based on the past, and that is no one's fault but my own. So I cant blame her for that. But what is so upsetting to me, is that a scene took place when we walked in the door. My husband stepped outside for about 30 seconds to let the dog go pee, and she accused me of taking her skirt, etc. He walked in, we are getting in the tiff, and she TOTALLY lied and when my husband asked what happened, she said she was "nicely asking me if I could return her skirt whenever I am done with it so that she can wash it." Get me a vomit bucket!!! If she EVER said that I would faint with happiness! So why would we be arguing if that's what she said? That was my husband's question and her answer was that, "Well I guess its because she's been drinking." My husband called her on that immediately and told her she was dead wrong as he was with me all night and I was perfectly sober and in great mood and frame of mind, and she was out of line. It just went from bad to worse.

I honestly dont know HOW to give her a hug and "love" her right now. I had no idea my own child could be so cruel. Boys are SOOO much easier!

[Waves 2]

Mothers and Daughers

Allie, I have been where you are. When my daughter was 17 everything I did annoyed her. If I cried she hated it-especially if I was crying because of something connected with her. Gradually I learned to not show "weakness " of that sort in front of her and to try to stay calmer no matter what was being said. Although it appeared that she didn't like that either, I now think it was the right thing to do.

When she was 21 tragedy entered her life and she wouldn't have any contact with me for three weeks. It was the hardest time of my life as I knew how much she was suffering and she was deliberately keeping me at arm's length.

Eventually I could stand it no longer. I went to see her and she shouted and raged and exploded at me. It was a release that she had feared but needed badly to happen. It could only happen with me.

My message is that behind all this assumed hatred YOU as her mum are the one person that is closer to her than anyone else and as such these traumas are essential for her to grow into the person that she will be.

I will add that since the "explosion" we are each aware of being closer than ever before. The time will come when your daughter needs you and you will be there for her. Till then I would continue to try to be the best that you can be - and don't cry.:l

What Kathy said rang Oh so true.

love Waves

[Guest]

Mothers and Daughers

You always "LOVE" them...just don't always "LIKE" them. AND that is OK and vice versa...she doesn't have to LIKE you either...but she has to respect you as her mother. If I were you Allie, I would sit her down with your husband and all three of you have a heart to heart. Keep control...lay it out...tell her no longer is she going to disrespect you. I know we have put our children through alot, but to heal there has to be a starting point where the guilt ends and the healing begins. Guilt gets us no where. It isn't good for you or her. AND trust me...My mom didn't drink and I didn't like her until I had Brit...I was 22. It is a phase. Is it to late to trade them for boys? SMILE