Mothers and Daughers

[YoungAtHeart]

Mothers and Daughers

I WOULDN'T give her a hug and love right now. She isn't being lovable at the moment. Rather, I would say that it would be better to discuss this when everyone isn't worked up, and that you can understand why she would think that you have been drinking, in fact, you haven't been. Then leave the room. End of discussion.

People don't hug people who are kicking them. Girls are especially cruel.

I recommend the book, GET OUT OF MY LIFE BUT FIRST WOULD YOU DRIVE ME AND CHERYL TO THE MALL? It helps put things in perspective and it is funny too. I have read it after many arguments with my daughter when she has said very hurtful things to me or has lied about the facts of situations. I find it very soothing to realize that this is not uncommon behavior for girls.

Hugs again!:l
Kathy

[memarcie]

Mothers and Daughers

Oh Allie,
I'm sorry about how things are going with your daughter. Sounds like you've gotten a lot of good suggestions. I hope things get better.

hugs,
Marcie

[Guest]

Mothers and Daughers

LUVUALL,
What you said really struck me. Am still eaten up by guilt, but am gonna live by your philosophy now and leave the guilt behind!!!

Thanks!!!

Starlight Impress

[vinophile]

Mothers and Daughers

Dear Prest,

I have three teenage boys and let me tell you they can be a handful as well. !!!!! But, Kathy is right. Your daughter attacks you because she feels safe with you.I could never have said mean things to my mother because I did not feel safe with her. Instead I took those hurtful feelings(and we/they all have them) and turned them inward. As mean as your daughter might seem she is feels safe with you. Remember the old saying "you only hurt the ones you love". Unfortunately it's true.

Your daughter can only have respect for you for quitting drinking. Know that her love for you is secure. She'll be more able to show it in the future as she matures.

Hope you feel better.

Janet

[sammys]

Mothers and Daughers

Hey Prest I have no great words of advice or wisdom as I have no kids, but I hear all the moms at my work having sometimes pretty heavy issues with their teenage daughters. I say there hormones are a raging and they also think they know so much at that age. She sounds pretty sharp and knows how to get to you.

Hope you feel better today,
Sammys

[southernbelle47]

Mothers and Daughers

Hi Pres
Daughters are wonderful-terrible all at the same time.
Mine is a grown woman (36) but when we are together, something seems to click in and she has to "prove" it in some small way.
When she was a teenager, we , well she and her dad, wrote letters because it was just too hard to do face to face talking. He let her "talk" on and on and was very patient but then in the end, he said " Your mom and I are your parents and we're responsible for your well being and you WILL listen and obey the rules with RESPECT in this house.
It went a long way to peace building in our home.
She just always wanted to "make her own mistakes".....
She made a big one at 22 when she got married and after seven years and two precious boys, it ended in divorce. It was worth it because of her boys, but....well....you know.

Get some books on "Boundries". I think by Henry Cloud.
Set some .....they seem to work and sign up hubby FIRST to be on your team....kids love to pit parent against parent.
Bless you. It's hard work but grandbabies are the reward for living through it all.


I love you.
Nancy

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Mothers and Daughers

Prest!!!

Yesterday, my own pulled the "I am 18 now and so I can do what I want" thing on me. she has been trying that one lately ALOT. She wanted to go to a movie preview that was at midnight until 2AM in a center that is not all that safe at night. I said I did not think it was a good idea at that hour in less she went as a group. She then gave me her line about doing what she wants cause she is 18. I got mad. I told her that until she is self-sufficient she is not able to make all her own decisions, and the fact is, I am still paying for her college and she should remember that. She said..."well, I could just ask dad to pay then". I wanted to smack her. Talk about hitting below the belt.

Anyway, I do think that some of this has to do with their pulling away in order to grow into adulthood. It just isn't going to be perfectly smoothe.

Didn't you just meet her and say how sweet she is???? LOL

Bring on the BOYS!!!

It will get better...it will. Hey, I am jealous you can wear your daughter's skirt!

Love you sweetie!!

[magic]

Mothers and Daughers

Hi All,

Kathy, with respect, I have to disagree.

We should show our children love no matter what their behavior. Especially when they are being unloveable. When they are kicking and screaming.

When they yell at us "I hate you, Mom!" what they need the most is a hug and to be reminded that no matter what their mother loves them and always will. IMHO.

Boundaries are for other things, never a mother's love.

My daughter can be especially cruel as well. She has also admitted that she says the things she does not because she means them but just because she can!

magic xx :schmokin:

[Prest4time]

Mothers and Daughers

Thanks Southernbelle and Beth!

I've been very encouraged by what all of you have shared, and I have decided to choose to believe that it is not so much about "me" as it is about her. No, I havent been perfect, but if I had never struggled with drinking, well then she would have pulled a different card. We all have our cards to pull when we need them.

Magic, I think you and Kathy are both right. I think they need to be assured of our love at all times and not a "conditional" love that is only given based upon their performance. BUT, at this time, I am choosing not to get to cozy with her as she definitely owes me an apology for lying to my husband about what she said and her extreme disrespect. We allow the kids to disagree, so long as it is done respectfully. She was calling me names and blatently trying to hurt me, which she successfully did, and she knows it. She can continue to disagree with me, but she owes me an apology for her attitute towards me. I am acting happy and confident today around her, but after talking with my husband again, we both feel it is best to wait for her to come to me and apologize, and if she doesnt, then the next time she needs something from me, I will remind her that she has crossed a boundry with me by her blatant disrespect when she clearly knows better, and that until she acknowledges it, I will not be doing her any favors. I will then reassure her how much I love her, but that I will no longer tolerate her disrespect and name calling. I am sure there may be a more perfect way to handle it, but at this time I do not feel that keeping her at arms length is communicating that I dont love her, but simply that I am not going to be her verbal abuse doormat and pretend that everything is okay when she has yet to apologize. She will not get very far in life in future relationships if she tells everybody off and expects them to be all cozy to her the next day and she never has to own her actions or words. So that's my conclusion!

OR, I could go online and google "arranged marriages" and sell her to a man in a third world country. That would teach her some manners. :H

[Guest]

Mothers and Daughers

Yes, sell her to the gypsi's!!!! I hear they go for a good price...then you can buy a buttload of skirts and wont have to share them either!

[Prest4time]

Mothers and Daughers

Yes, what a simple solution to both problems! Why didnt I think of that first? Like a huge barter for skirts!

Silly me... and to think I was making it complicated with trying to figure out how to relate to her and psycho-analyze it.

You're a genius Luv.

[chrysa]

Mothers and Daughers

Hi Allie,

Having lived through the teenage years with serious crisis & now have a beautiful, successful relationship with my daughter I guess I will add my 2 cents. I think your conclusion is very sound and you did great and the advice from Kathy & Belle & Beth is all very very good.

You both love each other very much & she knows this. I only add that, after all, she was not angry about the skirt as you know but deeper stuff. It is hard being a teenager. What deeper stuff. You understand her manipulations and anger of the past ...yes

I guess, I still wonder what she was really pissed about? The only thing I would add..is..she may be waiting for you to ask...or she may have a problem...

She sounds like such a good girl...my only advice is ..do not take any chances in keeping up the deeper communications with her...(while she is learning the good "life" lesson you are teaching her)

Love to both of you ~C~

How do I know this ?? -- through not doing it..my dear...
I am just lucky & blessed

[SKendall]

Mothers and Daughers

Hey A, you have a common problem, but it is still so hurtful. I too, had a teenage daughter, although she didn't give me much trouble. However, she knows that I drank too much and it's sometimes unspoken, but, it's there.

I've told you this before, but you are a good mother at all times, and it's clear you try very hard for your family.

I agree with some who have posted and said she must feel a comfort with you because she was able to act out and know she wouldn't be rejected. It wasn't until my daughter got married that I felt thrown under the bus.

Every family has something. If you live in a perfect family, what do you learn? Perfect housekeeping, perfect thoughts - this doesn't prepare any child for the world out there. I think it's been said that it's better to have a crazy aunt in the basement than perfection, children learn compassion from things that are NOT perfect.

Addiction comes in all forms, gambling, drugs, OCD, drinking, anorexia, etc. Very few families don't have SOMETHING.

I agree with the position you are in, and you are doing the right thing. You do deserve respect from her, and it's up to her to apologize and own her own behaviour.

Be well, my friend.

Hilary:h :h

[YoungAtHeart]

Mothers and Daughers

You are mistaken, Magic, if you think I place boundaries on my love for my daughter. However, I will place limits on conversations that are going nowhere and only escalating into a useless argument. I have found that it is more useful to refuse to discuss something when my daughter is being disrespectful and continue it at another time. We have had a number of screaming rows before I realized that continuing to argue was pretty ineffective.
Additionally, my daughter is not a snuggly type. She rarely hugs me when things are going well. She is quite verbal, however, so I get plently of "I love you's." Of course, not during arguments. I hope that this clarifies things a bit.

LOL, Allie, mine's about to go to college, or else I would have one to add to the sales order, and we could both have lots of skirts!

Also, maybe Chrysa is right and there is something more going on with your daughter. You could ask her sometime when things are more peaceful. If there is she might not tell you the first few times, but if she believes you really want to know, she might open up.

[magic]

Mothers and Daughers

You are mistaken, Kathy, if you feel I was referring to you and your daughter.

I was not, nor do I believe I said I was.

Fortunately, we all parent in different ways. What a boring world this would be otherwise.

My way is no better, nor worse, than any other way --although the experts would probably have a field day with that statement. I have done, and will continue to do, my best, with the tools, knowlege and the emotional strength that I have at the time.

magic xx :schmokin: