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What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

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    #1

    What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

    Why have I changed so much and turned into such a bitter, horrible person. I used to be such a positive person - the glass was always half full - no matter what. I used to love my life and now I wish I could be somewhere else... After 14 years of marriage (on July 3) I'm a cantankerous old bitch.......... Sure I can be there to support other people but I never get the support. My husband is a miserable SOB (Sorry, I'm not as strong as you Skendall - I really admire how you can respect him despite what is going on - I wish I was like you...) I have 3 kids and raise them pretty much on my own and my husband just seems to work and sleep. He was away on our anniversary and got home at 10pm and what did he do - have a beer and go to bed - not even a hug for me..... I'm no longer a wife - I'm a house keeper/nanny/accountant/gardener/cleaner/cook/......... Where has the real me gone? God, I'm sorry about the rant but I think I've finally come to my breaking point. We went to an amusement park today for his company picnic. He's the boss so he went and 'mingled' while I dealt with my autistic son's outbursts while looking after our other son, my niece who is visiting from the UK and still trying to be the supportive wife putting on the good show. My son had one of those not so good days and acted up so that all the other 200 people there stared at him. Well, he's the bosses son and, perish the thought that we could just let him be him, accept it and be honest with everyone so they know why he's like he is. No, we have to 'keep him under control' and try and make him act normal. While I tried to do this and be the friendly boss's wife, my DH carried on his own way. Then, for the rest of the day he just made snide remarks about me (infront of my niece) and basically rode whatever he wanted to while I was stuck going on kiddy rides because that's all my autistic son would ride (he loves rollercoasters sometimes, but today obviously wasn't one of those days...) Then when we finally got home (8pm) I had to cook dinner for the two boys and then cook a steak dinner for the 'big kids' and who got to clear it all up - you guessed it.....ME. I really don't think I can do this much more. I'm staying with him because I can't afford to leave him and raise them on my own. Tonight for the first time in a week he has driven me to drink and I HATE him for that. I've been doing so well so far this week but tonight he went to bed straight after dinner (as usual) and I hit the wine..... I just don't know what to do ........ as the song goes, "do I stay or do I go now. If I stay there will be trouble, If I go it will be double..." (or something like that.
    I'm sorry to unload....Just one of those days....again...
    "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." Ralph Waldo Emerson :rays:
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    #2
    What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

    Awww Tip, your story made me sad. You feel trapped and therefore you feel you have to keep up the facade. Demand more of your husband NOW. Demand that he engage himself with you and your family. I am a big believer in that we teach people how to treat us and you do not deserve to be treated like this anymore. He has gotten away with not doing enough and you need to put a stop to it. You have a child that requires more attention than most children. That in itself is exhausting. Get that point across to your husband. Start saying no to making dinners, cleaning, and doing everything else all of the time and let him share the load. Start demanding a new way of life with him and I bet you will see he will rise to the occasion. If you do not ask, you will not get. Just because your husband is a successful businessman and a boss of many people does not take away his responsibilites with his family.

    Or send him to me for a good bitch-slapping. That usually gets the point across.

    I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
    I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me

    Comment

      #3
      What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

      Tip, I'm sending you a hug. I can really feel your frustration, but you don't come across as a bitter, horrible person, or even a particularly angry person, just someone who is tired of a heavy load. I agree with Lushy. I think you should deal with this with your husband before you become a bitter, angry person. He might not even realize how you feel, it's a guy thing. Sorry guys, I'm not male bashing, my husband would be the first one to agree with me on this one. Try to talk with him on neutral ground in a manner that won't make him defensive and see how it goes. You may be pleasantly surprised. If not you can at least say you tried. Then send him to Lushy.
      We are here to listen.
      If I ruin my body where will I live? :ranger

      Comment

        #4
        What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

        Hi Tip,

        I suspect you have talked/asked until you are blue in the face and have

        come up against a brick wall.

        This site was very helpful to me. If I am out of line, I apologise.

        Welcome to Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!


        magic xx :schmokin:
        ~Are you looking for the Holy One?
        I am in the next seat.
        My shoulder is against yours. ~Kabir

        Comment

          #5
          What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

          Hi Tipsy,

          I'm sorry you feel so bad. It doesn't matter what we decide sometimes, because for every decision there is a reaction or consequence. If you stay, you think you will be miserable. If you leave, you have said that you cannot afford to. But, don't you get half of the estate if you divorce him? Surely, as his wife, you have contributed to his success and will be recognised by law to have done this?

          Just remember, wives have rights and you definately have rights in relation to financial support for your children and a settlement from the estate.

          Just do you research and base your decision on facts.
          One day at a time.. Sometimes it's one minute or one second at a time.. Most important thing is to look ahead and don't look back!

          Comment

            #6
            What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

            Hi tipsynomore,

            Am sorry you`re feeling so upset.
            It`s horrid to feel as if we`re taken for granted, which whilst happening more commonly to women, can also happen to men.

            I think where couples are concerned ,if only one partner is employed, all the (not so) little things the stay-at-home person does are often treated as `incidentals`, whereas the truth is that the person responsible for attending to all the incidentals, can take the credit for `keeping the show on the road`.

            Your hubby is the boss at work, so maybe he feels under pressure. I think you should broach the subject to see if that`s actually what is going on with him, and point out that whilst you may not be the one earning the money, you sure as Hell are keeping his ship afloat as you strive to be a domestic godess and charming boss` wife. Perhaps it`s about time hubby realized just exactly how many `jobs` to have to juggle. Trying to do too much single-handedly can result in us becoming very unwell..............you really deserve some ME time...........make sure you get it from here on in!!!!

            As regards you feeling that you had to keep your autistic child under control to make the boss` son appear "normal"................I think you shouldn`t have to break your neck to quieten your boy to suit others.............your son is already a normal boy, who just happens to have autism, although I understand the extra demands that places on you.

            You sound a remarkable woman, and you need to keep just a little of yourself FOR YOURSELF. We have so much to offer others when we feel good within ourselves. We should all feel appreciated.

            Much love,

            Starlight Impress

            Comment

              #7
              What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

              Wow... I would be feeling the same way too. I think Lushy has given great advice. Are you able to get some hired help in to share the load. I know it's not the same but better than leaving everything to you.

              He sounds like he is juggling balls if he needs to put up a pretense of how things should 'look'. Have you tried counselling?

              Scoobs
              :heart: Sobriety - Keep it simple :heart:

              Comment

                #8
                What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                Hi Tipsy,
                to a certain extent I know how you feel, I don't have an autistic child but my middle child is extemely attention-seeking (who gets the blame for that ? - me of course!). I have been married 14 years and have 3 kids too, my husband is a workaholic from 9am to 11pm onwards till 2 or 3am if he feels the business needs it!

                The only way I get to see him is to go and work in the business (2 shops) and then we can't really have a discussion or argument because of 'the staff' and showing him up or disrespecting him ! I don't think I do and certainly no-one has told me this and our friends are quite frank.

                The only advice I could give (sorry if you feel I have ranted too much on your thread) is seek legal advice if he won't listen - mine doesn't and only tells me 'its all your fault anyway' etc, etc, etc.

                Maybe the alcohol I drank didn't help, I know that but ...

                You should be entitled to stay in the house and he has to move out as your children are under 18 years, please get proper advice if he won't listen, maybe a trial separation ?

                Whatever happens I wish you all the best, please pm me if you want to chat more?

                Best Wishes
                Diamond x
                I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                Marilyn Monroe

                Comment

                  #9
                  What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                  Tipsy, I do think a talk with the husband is in order, maybe he dosen't see it. Men can be thick, particullary if your not there to point it out. I.E. My husband just yesterday asked me if I picked up the laundry from in town. I looked at him and said I just had a surgery and I'm not supposed to lift anything more than 2 pounds remember? Oh I forgot he said. then went and picked up the laundry. They sometimes are so used to seeing us being Superwomen they forget. as for dinner last night? NO WAY? KFC would have worked! I get frustrated too, after that same surgery I told you about last week, because I was in bed my husband went to Atlantic City to play poker for the week for his 'vacation". Just stay strong, calm down and think it over do you really want to leave? If you do my anwser is get out now! Life is to short to be unhappy even 1 day. Rash decisions never pay off, be very methodical. I'll be wishing the best for you
                  Hugs
                  Mar

                  Comment

                    #10
                    What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                    Hey Tip,

                    Just popping in with my two cents. If talking to your husband doesn't bring a good response, you could suggest counseling. If he is not amenable to that, you can consider separation. He should leave the house, as children with autism, as you well know, don't adjust very well to changes. You are entitled to alimony and child support; it sure sounds like he would be able to provide it.

                    I know this would be a hard and scary decision to make, so I am recommending a book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum, that might be of help to you.

                    It just sounds like he treats you as if you're not even there, and it is slowly eroding your sense of self. You deserve better.

                    All the best,:l
                    Kathy
                    AF as of August 5th, 2012

                    Comment

                      #11
                      What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                      I echo what Kath just mentioned.

                      :l :l :l
                      :flower: Change a life; make someone feel important. ................. ........................ ..................... ........................ ................. ....... sigpic

                      Comment

                        #12
                        What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                        Oh Tipsy I would have kicked his butt. Sorry. I know exactly what you are talking about and for those out there who don't know I also have a child who has autism and 2 other young children.

                        My husband likes to run the same routine at home. He works FT all day (note: so do I) and feels entitled to come home sit on the couch watch TV and go to bed. HOWEVER when we are out in public that is a different story. He understands that he has to help, that I can't handle it alone and he's really good. Can you talk to him about this?? He's got a pretty high standing position in his company too and I would have packed my kids up. I just went through what you are feeling a few weeks ago. When children with autism decided they are going to do something that's what they are doing and that's it...PERIOD
                        If he's not willing to help you, then you need to make sure that you have another adult with that's willing to do so. Do you have respite or other services in your area where staff could accompany you do these type of events? It's about safety, it's about sanity and about peace of mind.

                        Take care!!
                        "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

                        Comment

                          #13
                          What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                          Hi Tipsy, I really feel for you. I agree with what Lushy and the rest have said. When you said you're not as brave as me, remember my kids are grown and I don't have the issues in your life that you have. It is a simpler decision for me.

                          I was married young to a totally useless and abusive man. I was a full time mom with a 2 year old and left. It was very difficult getting a full time job and putting them in day care but it was necessary.

                          I think you need to talk to someone. I was finding myself feeling bitter too and I know now that feeling has lifted.

                          Sending you hugs. :l :l
                          Enlightened by MWO

                          Comment

                            #14
                            What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                            Tipsy, I can talk to you more about services for children who have autism if you want....just PM me. I'm not sure about PA but maybe I can give you some key words to help you along the way.

                            Best of luck
                            "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

                            Comment

                              #15
                              What a great day/month/year/14years....NOT.....

                              Tipsy,
                              I have an autistic child too (She's an only child), my husband works long hours but tries to be involved as he can with the parenting of our child. He is a great dad and puts up with a lot from me, but if he ever told me to try to keep my daughter under control in a social situation I there would be hell to pay. Your husband should be ashamed of himself. If he ever expected what your husband expects of you, honestly I would beat the bejesus out of him. You do deserve better than this, you have 3 kids and one of out the 3 is like raising 3 as it is, so it's like you have 6! He should be supportive and grateful for all you do. Sounds like you need more help around the house too, if you can afford it.

                              If he refuses counseling you really need to weigh your options. Good luck I really feel for you. PM me if you want. :h
                              Sunny days, sweeping the, clouds away. On my way, to where the air is sweeeet!!! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to......LOL

                              Comment

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