girfriends

[gracie29]

girfriends

Great topic, I read a poem or a saying once that some friends or people come into your life for a purpose. They complete it and then they are gone. I can relate to this in some ways but in others I'm not sure how it fits. Like everyone else, I don't have a lot of friends and really haven't throughout my whole life. However, I am blessed with one friend who I've known since second grade and has been there through thick and thin for me. We both moved out of state together to Texas (to make our fortune and to get away from the small town we grew up in). She moved back to the small town and then went to California. She came back to NY and I went through a divorce after 15 years in Texas and came back to NY. Now we're both settled in the small town and still are blessed with the friendship. She knows the struggle I've had in the last year or so and has been very supportive. Beaches - do your friends know your situation?

[Beaches]

girfriends

Gracie, which situation? Of how I am feeling about the weekend? Or about me getting my drinking under control? I tried to talk to one of them and she said " why do you see this as a problem, just see it as who you are and accept that" So no they don't understand.

It's like they are living their 20's again and we are in our late 30's. I have 3 children under the age of 5 and I wanted to just go and relax and be with them and have fun and yes I knew drinking would be involved and I was fine with that because I am prepared to be the responsible one. They make me laugh and I love that.

[gracie29]

girfriends

Getting the drinking under control was what I was wondering. Do your friends also have children and by the comment of the college friends, I'm assuming that you didn't go to college with them. I can certainly understand wanting to get away for a weekend with friends because of 3 children under 5 - your hubby must be special that you can do this. My sis has 4 kids age 9 and under; there's no way that she could go away for a weekend cause she just can't.

I'm not sure what to offer in the way of advice on this situation - you're looking forward to it because it will be your time but yet it's not how you thought it would be...you could still go and be the responsible one; lower your expectations on the friendship thing. Not sure..

Do one of your children have autism? I'm not sure if you answered my question last night on where your from in NY but I"m thinking Finger Lakes?

[happycamper68]

girfriends

I used to have a lot of friends. Before I had my daughter I would go to social things all the time. I have about 5 really good "real life" friends, but some have disappointed me since my daughter's autism diagnosis. They are nowhere to be found. I had been out with many of them for a very long time and they call occasionally. The ones that call the most are the ones that have kids and "get" it, but most of my friends don't have any, some don't even have boyfriends and they are in their late 30's (they are out having fun and don't call). They are out partying and I am here doing the same but no one knows about my problem. I called my best friend Kathy last night when I was really drunk and was finally going to out myself but she didn't answer. I think I am grateful for that now but I am not sure. I feel like I am leading a fake life. I called Pansy crying my eyes out afterward, that I feel like a big farce. She was great and usual and made me feel better but I have to get a handle on my life. On another note I feel like I have sort of isolated myself anyway because of the drinking. I also feel better though when i make an effort to stay in touch. But I also have made friends here that i talk to on the phone all the time and it makes me very happy.

Ameythst you are right too, my hubby works a lot and I am alone a lot and that had made my drinking much worse.

Then on another note, don't want to start a new thread about this, but I was awoken in the middle of the night to horrible cramping and it turns out I am in the middle of a super early miscarriage. I am a total idiot and did not plan to try to have a baby - but I am in the middle of losing a baby right now. I had to miss work, have my hubby come home early from work to take care of Sophie so I could stay in bed. I am hoping it is all over now, the doc said on the phone this happens a lot and sometimes people don't even realize they are miscarrying, but I knew because this same exact thing happened to me early last year before i came on the site and wanted to clean up my act to have another (then Sophie got diagnosed a few weeks after I came on so we decided no more kids). This is not a regular old period- this is hell on earth (sorry to all the dudes). The only good that has come out of it, is that we really don't want any more kids so the decision was made for me. Luckily I was not further into it and excited about it because i would be truly devastated right now. It wasn't meant to be I guess but......

I am feeling a level of guilt about it because I have been drinking and feel like it contributed to my miscarriage, for the second time.

Hubby is being very good and offering up a vasectomy, and he is looking into marriage counseling for us that also specializes in addicition counseling, grief counseling for the autism (I think we found one in Manhattan), because we had a long talk last night before this miscarriage occurred and I think he finally realizes he has a drinking problem too. Parents of autistic kids have an 85% divorce rate. We have to do something to save this. I am pretty much unraveled right now and have to go to work tomorrow to make up my hours and hope i am better by then. UGH. Bak I am sorry if I digressed here. I can start a new thread to keep the friend one going.

[chrysa]

girfriends

Beth..you are a people person & value realtionships very highly. Some people are not people oriented and are more loners.

Mar..I am so impressed with your honesty. And I feel the same way. I count my friends on one hand..at any time. Right now I have 2 live & 1-2 virtual. They have to understand you.

[chrysa]

girfriends

rachel..you are so young..whole life ahead..please please get professional help

[Beaches]

girfriends

Yes all of my friends have children and one of them has a child with a very rare disease of EB. I did go to college with them however they stayed on campus and I lived at home so we all had very different experiences. My hubby...well we have been working on this for a year and he will be sleeping at his sisters and his mother will be over too to help him with the children. I have twins who are 4 (one who has autism) and a 2 year old.

Yes I am from the Finger Lakes Region in NY and love it. We are planning to spend the weekend in Rochester NY. Tons to do.

My problem is that when we were all sitting at the table we agreed about what we would be doing. Now it has taken on a life of it's own without me knowing it. I am expected to just go along with it.

So here I am to make the decision. Go with them, stay home or compromise. I am trying the latter at this point. But why should I even have to do that? Whatever. Times change, people change, I have changed. So, is the way of the world.

[Prest4time]

girfriends

Beaches,
I can see how this is hurtful to you. I've had situations in the past where I've had a friend invite me to lunch, but when I arrived, she had two friends there whom I had never met! She didnt mention that little detail...

Had I been aware ahead of time, I probably would have been fine with it, but it was a friend whom I had not seen in a while and I was really looking forward to some heart-to-heart conversation with the two of us. It just made me feel like she didnt value the friendship on the same level that I did. But then again, I am very sensitive.

Maybe you could tell her you were under the impression that it was just the few of you, and that weekends away from your children are far and few between, and that this might not be the best weekend for you guys to spend time together since there will be many more there? That will probably alert her to your feeling like a square peg in a round hole, and she will probably reassure you or confirm that another time would be better. Just a thought.

About girlfriends in general, I find that life does change our circumstances so much, especially once we have kids. I have my "pre-children" friendships that comprise of emails and occasional get togethers that are lots of fun, but to share life on a daily basis with them is unrealistic. Then there are the friends I make through my kids sports (sitting next to the same people an entire season of baseball), and I make some friends that way. They are a different kind of friend, but I've made a few that I know are sent for this season of my life. I am in a new city as of almost two years, and it has been the hardest ever of starting over in my late thirties and making new friends. Everyone I meet is really nice, but they all seem to have their "cliques" of lifelong friends and their routines that are unbendable. I realize too that I have to get out and MAKE friendships by putting myself in situations to meet them. Not my comfort zone, but it's all about growing, right?

Allie

[chrysa]

girfriends

DEAREST CAMPER...
For some reason I was thinking about you this afternoon & worried about you...honestly...true statement...had many thoughts about your problems & life

I need to think & feel and then send you a PM. I hope that is OK. I have no answers Hon..as you know...I just so want you to get through...
Later ~C~

[Preciouspinot]

girfriends

Beaches...yes, trips with girlfriends are always mutating. I went to Europe with 6 girlfriends and the agenda changed constantly...you have to go with the flow or you will lose your sanity. You will have a blast regardless I'm sure.

HC...I PMed you :h

I am lucky in the friendship arena. I have 4 girlfriends that I have been friends with since junior high and we get together about once a month for dinner or something and I am very close with my sisters as well.

[gracie29]

girfriends

Happy-sometimes we can't control life and it doesn't matter if we follow the rules or not - it's what's in the grand scheme of things. I'm 47 almost 48 and don't have any children. More than once I felt like my time clock was ticking away on the children issue. The first time I was 17 and chose to end the life. The second time I met the love of my life at 36 and it wasn't meant to be. God or a spritual being took the decision out of my hands and I lost the child. At first I thought I was being punished because of the first decision on my part but ten years later I just think that was the way it was supposed to be or my map in life. Don't feel guilty, just think that's my path in life. Perhaps in another life you had 20 children and were the best mom there ever was...Women waste so much time feeling guilty about so many things (I'm guilty of this also) - it's a philosophy from the 1800's - yet our mothers still perpetuate this philosphy. ok am I totally off base here or do the 45 and over group know what I'm talking about?

[chrysa]

girfriends

Camper Honey,
Yes..marriage counseling,addicition counseling, grief/autism counseling, following your husband's lead here ---Yes.. please do it.. your marriage, I think, sounds worth saving...and no shame in any of the issues!!

Personal -your health & well being as a Mom & wife...OK..awful stress & unusual circumstances..but you have a strong soul so you must just keep plugging on to wholeness..and I know you will.!!!.

OK..set your plans in detail ...then you will feel better...

I hope you are not too drunkie tonight...

Go to work tommorrow no matter what!!!!!..You have time in your life to work this all through...

{"marriage counseling for us that also specializes in addicition counseling, grief counseling for the autism (I think we found one in Manhattan), because we had a long talk last night before this miscarriage occurred and I think he finally realizes he has a drinking problem too. Parents of autistic kids have an 85% divorce rate. We have to do something to save this. I am pretty much unraveled right now and have to go to work tomorrow to make up my hours and hope i am better by then."]

[Saint Jude]

girfriends

Camper, I just PM'd you. Hope you're ok...:h :l

Just reading thru this thread when I got a call from a friend, who's recently moved up to Washington . I'd been wondering about her, as her daughter had called looking for her last night. Everything's fine! We had a good visit... she just needed some laughter & a bit of "male bashing jokes":H ...

I do tend to spend a lot of time alone,(well with my doggie) I guess that's not really alone... .
But my good friends that I do have I truly cherish.

[Beaches]

girfriends

Camper, Pm'd you

[chrysa]

girfriends

Camper,,,yes..check your PMs Hon! Please bring your family & come visit me. Only 1.5-2 hrs. Good times, summer, easy...good for all of us