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**roxane** · July 13, 2007, 02:17 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

hi capricorn

do i read this right? he brings up all the times you were drunk and he had to put up with you, but, you were not drunk this holiday and he drags this up?

just re-read your post, maybe you were being 'overly' critical about the drunks and in his mind he was thinking that you had no right to criticise. not particularly helpful, but perhaps understandable. you have jumped over the wall in your thinking between drunk and sober and maybe the sudden change in your thinking has discombobulated him. he is still thinking about how you have been, not how you can be.

it is you that is going through this change, but remember that he is joining you and it can be hard for you both.

there is nothing worse than a reformed smoker!

roxane

**Mags** · July 13, 2007, 02:24 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Hey Cap

I have started seeing so many things differently since quitting drinking. I don't even know where to begin.

So let me try to focus on relationships. I don't think I can help you much there, since I have been married to the same guy for 24 years. But I can say that he has seen me change. I was not a terrible drunk when he first met me, then I got much worse - very bad - and now I am sober again. These have all been very dramatic changes for him to endure. I don't think he did it all because he is just such a saint, but maybe because he really does love me after all and I know I love him. Thank God for that.

What do you want out of this realationship? Do you want love and support no matter what? That is rare. If your boyfriend can't accept a sober you, then maybe it is time to decide for yourself which is more important. None of us here can make that decision for you.

This is always a struggle and personal relationships can often complicate the struggle. Just don't forget that in the end, you have to do what is right for yourself. It may sound selfish, but it is not. You can't help and serve other people until you can help and serve yourself.

**trixietrack** · July 13, 2007, 02:54 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Dear Cap
I am having the same dilema as you. Since I decided to cut down on drinking my view of a lot of the people I was spending time getting drunk has really changed. that includes my BF, seems like my relationship with him has been one big drinking fest. I have come to the realization that my BF is just sticking around because it's convenient for him.
after sobering up, I also have become aware that I am the one who maintains this relationship. He doesn't work and hasn't in over 3 years, doesn't help me with chores and has no future plans. He is very critical of me and blames me for his heavy drinking.

For him as long as he gets food, sex and some booze all is well.
I happen to want more. so now it's time to make a decision.
Yes it was fun while I was drunk but now it doesn't look or feel so pretty.

**CAPRICORN1** · July 13, 2007, 02:55 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

rox and mags, thank you both...i think i freaked out a bit and was on a bit of a high horse and yes i am also a reformed smoker and we are asses!!! i could not relax using the old way anymore and watching bf made him look unattractive to me yikes! did i look like that? i've always been somewhat drunk when with hin from day one and its been 2 years. now i am considering a break while i get myself together...i think therapy is in order because i don't know how to handle all my new emotions

but everything appears different in a way i can't almost eplain, like i have more energy and feel more optimistic, and i never thought i would look forward to a life that did not revolve around a "numbing device" alchohol.

thanx, cap

**CAPRICORN1** · July 13, 2007, 03:04 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

yes trix, that's it!!! i want more and he is content with the way things are and were. i think in my case having to live with him on vaca magnified this and everything else. i probably would have gotten drunk in the past when things got a little uncomfortable, but on topa and vits and started to feel good moderating and did not want to give that up. good test!!! o.k ... so it does get harder from here. picking up the mess i call my life and putting it back together again...yes, i need a therapist and all of you!

thanx...i have to get ready for work soon so i will be jumping on and off...
p.s.
BF and i work together just to make things more complicated!

**imatree** · July 13, 2007, 03:08 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Capricorn, I can too relate, and with you too trixie, regarding the relationship. My partner/BF is working on his drinking too. But ya know what, I don't even know who he is sober. I know I don't want to be with him if he's drinking, maybe I don't want to be around him sober either (he's not good to my daughter, doesn't contribute much to household finances, is rather cold and distant when not drinking, etc). Just have to wait and see I guess.
What I do know is NOTHING is going to knock me off my path to wellness and freedom from the shackles of the bottle.

Decisions, decisions....

**Accountable for Me** · July 13, 2007, 03:10 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Capricorn, I have seen my hubby drunk on quite a few occasions since I have become AF. He looked and spoke like a f'n loser. I can only imagine how I acted when I was blottoed. I have no tolerance for drunk people anymore. Even my dad, whom I love so much speaks and acts like an idiot when he has had a few. He gets all gushy, and this annoys me now. Funny.

**trixietrack** · July 13, 2007, 03:30 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

imatree;163337 wrote: Capricorn, I can too relate, and with you too trixie, regarding the relationship. My partner/BF is working on his drinking too. But ya know what, I don't even know who he is sober. I know I don't want to be with him if he's drinking, maybe I don't want to be around him sober either (he's not good to my daughter, doesn't contribute much to household finances, is rather cold and distant when not drinking, etc). Just have to wait and see I guess.
What I do know is NOTHING is going to knock me off my path to wellness and freedom from the shackles of the bottle.

Decisions, decisions....

Ima I know esactly what you are talking about. suddenly I woke up and there is a stranger in my house talking about things I don't care about, eating my food and complaining about me. How dare he?
Ima if he is not nice to your daughter that must be very stressful for you and your child.

yeees lets keep on pushing forwards and upwards. thinking clearly will help us make clear and healthy decisions.

**Mags** · July 13, 2007, 03:34 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Imatree
Your words are so strong and sincere. Don't ever let NOBODY knock you off your path. Find your way. You are very strong.

**Determinator** · July 13, 2007, 03:38 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Cap, congrads on not going bonkers in such a party place..well done.
Oddly Dx (My lovely wife) was quite concerned that looking at life through sober eyes I may not want to be with her anymore...as though somehow I was different and moved on. Well happy to say I am different but think the world of her even more that ever as I'm able to be a better husband and life partner. I realize it's much different being married as apposed to BF/GF. that's just my perspective where I'm at right now.

**CAPRICORN1** · July 13, 2007, 04:24 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

thanx on on that! i'm sufficiantly running a little late 4 work, but i was just thinking that this sounded like a selfish thread and all about me and i am so glad other people could put themselves in it...that helps me soooo much...there i go me me me!!!

i wanted to say...how do other people see differently as they gain control of their lives ... ohhh i don't know not so good with words yet...gotta go!!!
luv, cap

**imatree** · July 13, 2007, 04:33 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

Oh, right... to your point... "how do other people see differently as they gain control of their lives"... I"m still rather new to AF (day 5 that ain't no jive!) - but already see differently (aside from the relationship bs...)
1) People talk a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT about drinking! Everywhere! We're surrounded!
2) My daughter isn't the "nuisance" I thought she was... she just needs me. Before I got annoyed at having my buzz disturbed.
3) Life doesn't look so miserable after all.

**imatree** · July 13, 2007, 04:42 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

By the way Cap, thanks for what you titled this thread... now I have a song going through my head, it will carry me through any difficult moments this weekend...
:rockband:
"I can see clearly now the booze is gone...."

:l

**trixietrack** · July 13, 2007, 04:45 PM

I Can See Clearly Now...

No way Cap. We are all going through similar changes. I wanted to also bring up this issue, but wasn't able to figure out how to put it out there, I am so glad that there are more of us who are seeing things in a different light.
don't think you are being selfish or self absorbed. More like you are becoming more self aware.
So glad you brought up the subject.

thank you

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