Moms - Friend or Foe

[gracie29]

Recently, another thread was started on the value of friendships and several commented on mom's being their best friends which led me to thinking about my mom and the relationship we have. Sometimes we can be the best of friends as far as enjoying time together but as far as sharing my inner most thoughts, fears, and reality checks I don't think I can include her in that role. I know I'm more fortunate than most in that I even have a relationship with her but yet when I was 18 all I could think of was moving away from here to get away from everything that was expected of me or couldn't live up to. In hindsight I probably put those conditions upon myself, however, I did move away and then 20 years later while going through a divorce moved back to the area. I've been back 13years and have progressively increased my drinking. Realizing that I didn't like myself, I've started the journey to include counseling, researching self help programs and beating the demon. If I've learned anything through all this research is that I'm self-medicating myself to deal with something else which I've narrowed down to my job, my family and very low on the scale my marriage. I probably have it out of order and it's the family that should come first; it seems that no matter what subject mom and I are on - it always comes back around to her. I feel like I should allow her this time cause she had a very physical abusive childhood but yet I feel my needs are ignorned. Ok - I've definitely gone on long enough - anyone have any books, websites, perhaps to deal with this stuff?

[YoungAtHeart]

Moms - Friend or Foe

If you're still in counseling, maybe the issue the subject always ending up on your mother should be a topic in your therapy.
It sounds like your mom is very needy herself, so it's unlikely that she will be able to fulfil your needs very well. At the same time, it sounds like you are being her therapist!

My relationship with my mom is good now, but along the way, I've had a number of good relationships with women, whether they have been my therapists or supervisors etc., women who have been supportive and nurturing and that have helped me to grow in confidence and feel worthy. I think of them as my "other mothers." They've really helped me grow up more than my own mother.

I wish I could think of some books to help you, but I can't right now. Good luck.

[Accountable for Me]

Moms - Friend or Foe

My mother was very selfish and extremely abusive when I was growing up. It has taken years for us to come to some sort of mother-daughter relationship. We definitely aren't close but feel comfortable knowing we can phone each other or see each other and there is no resentment from the past.

We are working on it. I think a lot of women have issues with their mothers. I think it is human nature. For those who are 'best friends' seems foreign to me........ But I think it is really neat nonetheless. I definitely want to be a best friend to my daughter. The cycle of abuse definitely stopped with me.

Therapy is a good thing and I think addressing issues about your mom will get to the bottom of a lot of problems. If I had of sought out therapy and addressed issues of my mom, I probably wouldn't of become an alcoholic.

[Sigmond]

Moms - Friend or Foe

My mum told me i should have died and not my brother (cot death) cause i am a worthless price of shit, maybe she was right?

I feel that way now.

[MDBiker]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Sig, your mother needs help.

[Prest4time]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Sig....

Remember the saying, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me?"

Well... that's a not true at all. Words hurt far worse than sticks and stones. I would rather have sticks and stones hurled at me all day long than some things that have been said to me that I still wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding.


You are a precious and wonderful person, and that fact is, you are here, and that means you have a purpose and a plan! And because of what you have suffered, you have so much compassion.

See yourself through another set of lenses... not your Mom's. Sounds like your Mom was very hurt and wounded too... so she had nothing to give to you but hurt and brokeness.

Thanks for sharing.

[magic]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Yo, Sig!

No Sig, you're not.

What a horrible thing to tell a child. Mothers can be mean and break your heart.
In two.

If you fight hard enough you can repair that broken heart, with love, respect, tenderness and wisdom. But you have to fight. Hard.

Go hug your babies and tell them you love them.


magic xx :schmokin:

[Prest4time]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Gracie...

I have no words of great advice, but I wanted to say hello and that it seems those mother/daughter relationships are so perfect, or so difficult. Maybe we should solicit those who have the perfect ones? Wow... I would love to know some secrets. But I DO know they look to us as mothers, and somehow find their identity in us, only to hate us and all that they put their identity in! So our words are life-building, or life-crushing.

I have a great/ best friend relationship with my Mom, but I couldnt stand her when I was 16. If you read my thread about Mothers and Daughters you would know that I sold her to the gypsies to teach her some manners... LOL.

Since then, we have have such breakthrough. Never lose hope.

[Saint Jude]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Yep, I'm sure, without a doubt, I've been blessed with the BEST MOM on the PLANET... but there's many a time when I'm sure it's a mutual feeling that we'd gladly sale each other to the gypsies..real cheap!:H Even pay em to take em!
Just never know from one day to the next... gotta love it for ALL it's worth!:h

[Kitty]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Hi Gracie,

My relationship with my mother was fantastic when I was growing up (she was a single mum) but it has become more problematic as time goes by, for many reasons on both sides. I think mother daughter relationships can be very complex and I think sometimes there can be an element of jealousy once the daughter has grown up.

I haven't got any children of my own yet and until recently I always wanted boys as I worried about having a daughter. But now I realise that it will be a blessing if I am able to have a child of either sex, and that my experiences both good and bad with my own mother will hopefully make me into a better parent. I don't mean better than her, I just mean better than I would have been.

Kitty

[Lotus]

Moms - Friend or Foe

Wow I thought I had a shit relationship with my mum because she was my stepmum.

There were times I loved her but most times I hated her. She deliberately got me in trouble with dad. She knew dad used to get abusive esp after a drink, so she used to wind him up and say..."do you know what she did today...etc". I thought mother's were supposed to keep your secrets.

She tried to control every aspect of my life, from what I wore, my hair and even what I ate. Even after I got married she couldn't help herself. However, in the end we had an issue where she gave me an ultimatum...haven't spoken to her for 4 years. Feel terrible saying this but I am so much more happier.