Marriage mess

[psychmommy]

Hi. . . I'm a drunk. And it's causing a lot of problems with my marriage. Not to make excuses, but my husband is a rather difficult person to get along with, and my drinking has increased in my attempt to be able to relax in my home. Anyway, we've been married 9 years, I have two young children, and last night we had a huge blow out. For the first time in our marriage he got physcial with me. He held me down on the bed to the point I have bruises on my arms, and he hit me really hard in the head. I know I provoked him, but I'm just having a really hard time getting through the day. I want to drink, even though I know that's what got me in this situation in the first place. Anyone in, or have been in, this type of situation? Did it get worse?

[lushy]

Marriage mess

Pysch, NO MATTER WHAT, no matter how much you drank, your husband had no right to hit you. Take the blame for drinking too much, DO NOT take the blame for him hitting you. He should be ashamed and should have walked away from the situation. Please have a serious discussion with him about this. I am sorry for how you are feeling today....

[memarcie]

Marriage mess

Psychmommy, it doesn't matter what you said or did, you didn't "provoke" him to hit you. That should NEVER happen. You seriously need to get some help, talk to a counselor, someone. He should NEVER, NEVER hit you, no matter what you are fighting about. I'm frightened for you and your children.


Hugs,
Marcie

[Beaches]

Marriage mess

I agree with Lushy and Memarcie. No one deserves to be hit for any reason no matter what. He doesn't have the right to lay one finger on you. I have not been in this situation but I know other members have and will come along to give you their input. Please take care of you, you deserve better.

[42cat]

Marriage mess

I find myself angry reading this .. not toward you, but toward people who physically abuse ... I haven't personally been abused, but I grew up in a household where my father was abusive toward my mom (mostly verbal, but there were physical times too).

I think others will agree that, yes, it will likely get worse. I think you might know that already. Your drinking or your provocation doesn't give him license to hit you. Ever. No.

That said, how about having a heart-to-heart (tears, openness, etc., about everything, including your reasons for drinking, and his reasons for the physical violence) ... reaffirm your feelings for each other (assuming they're still there, but even if they're not), and make a plan from there (counselling maybe?) You are worth way more than this.

I'm drinking right now (only two today), so who am I to give advice ... but your post did hit home a little bit with me... having seen it growing up. It's scary drunk or not.

You may have been drunk, but he should not have hurt you anywhere, but especially the head..... That was violent.

Hope my post doesn't sound harsh ... **hugs** ... Just something I feel strongly about. You are worth way more than how he treated you.

(P.s.... married here, and 42 .. two kids .. no violence, but I feel alone a lot ... and I think my drinking has a lot to do with filling that gap and to be able to relax and be happy at home too.)

~Catt

[gabby]

Marriage mess

YEP!!!!
That was me psychmommy. And without even readin what lushy and marci said I am here to tell you YES YES YES....it gets worse. The abuse got worse, life got worse for me and my kids. AND ITS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU DIDNT PROVOKE HIM. Damm....I'm gettin myself worked up.
Please dont put up with that. It gives him SO much control. It drove me to alcoholism and insanity. Where I live a woman got killed over the weekend by her estranged husband. I have been divorced now for almost 2 years and I am seriously considering a protective order on my ex NOW and STILL for the verbal threats and abuse that I dont think I take seriously enough. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET USED TO THAT SORT OF TREATMENT! It makes it hard to know when you are truly in danger. I think what bothers me the most about this past weekends murder from the husband to the wife is MY SONS REACTION. He is so upset. I think he is fearful that his father is capeable of doin that. And his brother agreed. And his other copies many of the same behaviors as his dad.
I'm tellin ya p-mommy....I stayed in this relationship WAY TO LONG. Dont do the same thing. Sorry not tryin to scare you but this IS scary.
At a very minimum....I wasted good years of my life hopin for change that never happened. I'm just glad I got alcohol free. I truly do blame my unhappy marriage to my drinkin. Seems like I had to just to get through the night with him at home.

I am sorry for your pain.

[tryingsohard]

Marriage mess

hey dont ever let it happen again,

please , u dont deserve it no matter what, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[psychmommy]

Marriage mess

Thanks everyone!

I really had no one to run the situation by, but knew you wonderful people on MWO would understand. I appreciate all the input. I didn't know how much responsibility I had with the situation as I was drinking. The crazy thing is, I used to work at an agency that specialized in domestic violence and I have extra training in the area. I guess it's just more confusing when you're the one it's happening to.

:thanks:

[memarcie]

Marriage mess

psychmommy, can I ask what you are going to do about him? Like I said I'm really worried and as others who've been through similar situations said, it may get worse.

:h

[hablur]

Marriage mess

Ahh crap now that really ticks me off. Psychmommy you don't deserve to be hit by anyone, especially by your spouse. That is just utter BS. A man never "needs" to hit a women or anyone for that matter. This sickens me and scares me at the same time.

I do not agree with the others that once it starts that it will continue unabated. Confront him and get into counciling quick. I personally would lose a lot of trust with him... I am sure that you now have a healthy fear of him and that is very unfortunate. Does he have a brother or father that you could talk to? I know if I ever pulled that crap on my spouse my brother and dad would kick my butt from here to China.

Let me do say this though... tel him upfront that if he ever hits you again so much as even a slap you are walking out that door!

I know that with alcohol issues that the spouses have put up with a tremendous amount of issues from us but that is just uncalled for. You may make him mad/concerned or whatever but striking you is just wrong. If you are in a blind rage I can see restaining you but doing what he did is inexcusable.

Get some counciling going on while you are at it.

[sammys]

Marriage mess

You are not alone, I am in a relationship with someone who thought cause I drank he had an open door to insult and belittle me. I of course drank because it was easier than to deal with that B.S. Like a revolving door of your wrong not your wrong et. Well it does get better and if getting better for me. It is not easy.

That hitting is bad, emotional abuse and physical abuse is nuts!!!

Stand your ground

Sammys

[tryingsohard]

Marriage mess

if u work in this field know, what gabby said please listen, i cant post bout my kids dad im sad enuff, 2nite i smashed a light switch in temper an im feelin bad , but u dont deserve this regardless of your drinking, if he is a good man he ll stick wiv u an make u safe an help u, if not b strong an go it alone, it s better than being fearfull, riht hablur, u r a good man ,xx

[YoungAtHeart]

Marriage mess

Hi Psychmommy,

I was once in a physically abusive relationship for a time; in fact, when we split up, he hadn't hit me for well over a year. You say your husband is difficult--how? Can you share more with us? It might help you to sort it out. Obviously there's a lot going on between the two of you under the surface.

In my case, I took "responsibility" for the abuse happening, just like you have. Wrong! I HAD thrown the first shot by slapping him, because he said something so awful to me that I just lashed out. In his mind this gave him permission to hit me on future occasions. What I didn't realize at the time was that this man was verbally and psychologically abusing me on an ongoing basis. No one had EVER talked to me the way that he did, and I was so confused that I didn't have any idea how to handle it. I eventually left when I realized that the verbal abuse wasn't going to stop--he was just too angry.

I'm not saying that the abuse will get worse in your case, but I do think you should do what Hablur suggests and get into counseling as soon as possible. Also, let him know that if he touches you again, you will call the police/walk out the door/etc. He has to know that there will be consequences. This is potentially a warning sign, don't take it lightly.

All the best to you, my dear, and please, please, take care of yourself.:h :h

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[gabby]

Marriage mess

I dunno.....I am convinced that once it starts the gate is open and it will never stop.

[psychmommy]

Marriage mess

Thanks everyone again. . .

Memarcie - I am not leaving at the moment. I have my wits about me as I'm quite sober so I don't think I'm in immediate danger.

Young at Heart - My husband is difficult in that he has OCD, but refuses to see at as any type of problem. . . He can be irrational and gets very aggravated if things don't go according to plan. Don't get me wrong, he has many good points, but he is a difficult person to live with. He also works at home and I'm at home with the kids so it is a little much togetherness at times.

Hablur - When I do feel like talking with him again, I will make it clear that there will be consequences should he be physical with me. And yes, he has a brother. I like that idea.

Trying so Hard - Glad you're still here Rachel. I was wondering where you were just the other day.

And even if I didn't mention you personally, I really appreciate everyone's input. This was something I needed to talk about, but didn't know where. Thanks!