Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

[Cherry]

I am hoping so badly this program will help me. I can't wait to begin. At the moment I am trying not to drink until I can begin it.

My boyfriend is pretty much an alcoholic also, he is not quite as bad as me because I tend to get very aggresive when I drink and cause more problems in my life. We have not had a very good relaionship in a long time. I don't want any extra stress that could wreck my chances of succeeding and I'm not sure I can work on our relationship and do this.

I have realised my share of our problems and this is my way out to try and change and improve myself. I can't control him, am not sure I should have to convince him to make changes or anything else along that line. I know I need to concentrate on me and not him right now. I love him so I'm not sure what to do. In the past we just argue and argue and never get anywhere. He has become very arrogant and thinks he's always right and always has reasons why I'm over reacting or wrong. I'm tired of fighting, I want a better life. Should I try, give him a chance to change too or let him go. My friends don't think he will ever change and that he's selfish. However we have had a lot of good times together and it was not always the way it is now and I contributed with my drinking and behaviour to put us where we are at.

Please tell me what you think... or tell me what you've been through with relationships when you were trying to make this huge change in yourself and your life.

[tryingsohard]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

wish i could help you, im in a similar situation, an its all blown up at the moment, it s hard 2 know what to say, i wish u sucess in your plans , xx

[Lotus]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Cherry

I understand how you feel. Similar situation myself.

It all depends on what you want. Do you want to be with him or do you feel you need to do this alone or just have some time out? I always find that a "chat" with hubby either ends in a full blown argument or he makes promises just to keep me sweet but with no intentions of carrying them out. Try having a talk outside the house, somewhere you are not inclined to shout and make a scene.

I wish you all the best.
Mandy x

[Rocky]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

You must focus on you and this journey to freedom from the habit of alcohol as you have described this as your desire.

As you note, you will not be able to change him. He will need to want to do that and he will have to make that his focus.

I think that as you work on these things, it will become more clear that he will never change or that he too does want to change, and your decision will be made for you.

Bless you on your journey!

Rocky

[gabby]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Hi Cherry, Welcome.
Forgive me for being repetitive, but your thread reminded me of something I wrote to someone else a while back. Kinda had to do with the same thing.....startin on your own journey and wantin to bring others with ya. So here goes...

____________


Nattie,
I know its hard. You feel jealous. Like he is gonna have all the fun and you are gonna be bored and miss out. But if you can try to think of this.
May sound stupid but just try.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge its cold and dark and you are doubled over in pain. You are there with others....your BF and the others in the pub.

On the other side of the bridge is warmth and light and healing from your pain. You can barley imagine this. Its just a glimpse. But decide that you are going to cross the bridge anyway. You have tried to convince your BF and the others to come along but they just don't see what you see. So you decide to travel alone because you are ready for your journey.

You start. Faintly...you see and hear people cheering you on from the other side. The further you travel....you begin to feel what has been promised to you over there. There is light, warmth, healing and love on the other side of the bridge which is a better place. The journey may be slow....but each day you feel better and better and you like this feeling and it is very rewarding. Maybe on the other side of the bridge its just us cyber folks. Maybe we are dorky....but we are real. Cyberspace or not....we are real. We know what you are going through and can help encourage you along. We want you to succeed and heal. Nattie.....We want you to make it over to this side of the bridge. It feels so much better here on this side. I guarantee it!

Once you get over here....you can look back and see the others on other side of the bridge that you left. That side is very clear. Much clearer than the vision of us when you were crossing over here. You can see the cold darkness and the people that are doubled over with pain. You may be tempted to go back and drag them over to us.....but it can not be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right for them. Some will come, some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.

We can love them, we can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on as others cheered and encouraged us. But we can not make them come over with us.
If your time is now to cross over the bridge....take advantage it. Dont allow failure to happen just because it isnt time for your BF to cross over. If you stay in the dark for him it will just be bad. Instead stay in the light. It is better for you and it will be better for him too cuz you will be there to cheer him on when he is ready. Move forward with your life despite what his choice for his life may be.

Boy that was long. I even surprised my own self. humm.....

Better get on to work now. good luck nattie. Hurry up now....and dont look back for now. Just get on the bridge.....you wont regret it.

______________________


Kinda a different thing....but I hope it helps.

[Almostfamous]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Wow Gabby, well said.

Cherry, sometimes you have to get out of (and look back on a situation) a situation to realize it's not worth the effort and misery to hang on. It's hard to see it when you are in the middle of the drama. You need to focus on you, your own physical and mental health and getting out of a toxic relationship. Life is too short (or long) to be miserable.
Best of luck to you and be strong!

[beatle]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

I agree with Rocky. Don't think so much about your relationship to HIM right now. Think about your relationship to alcohol. In the end, the decision will be made without your thinking so much about it. This fits in with Gabby's bridge analogy, as well.

[Guest]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Cherry,
Having to post this question sends alarm bells ringing for your relationship.
I left my ex 18 mths. ago......we were drinking buddies and to stay would probably have resulted in me dying prematurely due to alcohol...........there was no fixing `us`.........I simply had to get out to make it to where I am today. I am very well now and am happy, although was very broken when the split was fresh.

Look inside yourself.........only you can answer your own question.

I wish you luck with this.

Starlight Impress

[paula]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

I can't add to whats already been said, it's your life your problem your choice.
I agree with Gabby, it's great on this side of the bridge.
Best wishes Paula.

[gabby]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

And also Cherry, I have to say that my former husband - when he and I met, it was mostly based on the begining of our addictions. Doesnt matter the degree of those addictions - but the base of what they were capable of building into. Some drugs....ok we let that go. But the alcohol just kept goin. And before you know it - it was a big part of the whole picture. I often wonder where I would be now if I had made my decision to be AF eariler. I'm sure we all do.

[imatree]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Cherry - you're going to get a lot of input and support with this one. Many of us can relate, as you can already see. I've had the same question, pondered it here wiht fellow MWOers and found clarity. I've since made a decision that my sobriety and healing from my addiction is my first priority above my relationship. My bf is an alcoholic too.

I would love to talk to you more... but EEEKK I have have 84 minutes to finish something I've been sweating over here at work for two weeks....
I"ll be back...

[Cherry]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Wow, thank you all so much!!!! I'll have to read through all the posts again and let it all really sink in.

He and I tried to talk last night, he really wants us to be together but doesn't want to come along for the non drinking journey (I didn't want to be around him drinking at least for now), he's wanting a couple a drinks a night or to drink whilst he is not in my company). I can't force him and to be honest I don't want to cause you just get resented for it.

He believes I'm not an alcoholic and its really weird after years of trying to convince everyone your not one to have to try and convince and explain to someone you are. I tried to tell him that that was exactely what wasn't helpful, I know I am one and want to concentrate on doing something about it.

There were some concessions made in the conversations and sometimes it was beating your head against a brick wall and sometimes I think I got somewhere with him. At the end of the day, I truly believe he has the same problem as me but not as bad. I could lead by example but there is no guarantee he will follow me across that bridge and I don't want him trying to pull me back. My decision truly is whether to have him in my life or not, because I really want to do this program and for it to work.

So I have some major thinking and decisions to make. I think I'll have one more talk with him and make the decision from there. Alot of the time he doesn't make much sense though, I'm not an alcoholic but he thinks this will be good for me - it gets confusing. I guess when you have two lost people trying to find their way through the fog its not exactely going to be easy is it.

Once again thank you all so much for your posts and I'm going to read through them again to help me whilst I'm getting this all sorted out in my head. Then I just have to get a handle on my heart.

[Cherry]

Should I end my relationship with my boyfriend?

I just read through the posts again and from an intellectual point of view I guess I seem pretty stupid asking a question I should know the answer to.

My healing should come first.

I'm hoping I guess that he would support me and maybe learn from my journey. I guess that maybe unrealistic. The lady that started this seemed to do it regardless of whether her husband had a drink or not. Should I be able to do it when I'm with him regardless of what decisions he makes? Or do I really have to cut all ties and let go. I'm not very good at that at all.

I guess I'm focusing on this while I'm waiting for everything so I can get started, I'm not drinking cold turkey just hanging on to get started. I wish I could start tomorrow and be on my way. Maybe things will become easier and clearer once I start to heal.