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Mum v Wife

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    #1

    Mum v Wife

    Had an argument with hubby yesterday. It was nothing major just the fact that my aunt from Canada had called and he wanted to use the phone, but had no credits to call from his mobile etc etc. So he was rushing me to finish the phone call. Anyway I lost my cool and snapped at him. Sat down to have dinner with mother-in-law (hubby was not hungry said he would eat later - normally eats at a different time anyway) MIL said I shou;d not shout at my husband. I replied it seems like the only way I get heard. So she made a comment that I treat her poor son like a dog as I shout at him. At this point not having the energy to argue I took my dinner into the kitchen to eat it. Mother-in-law kept up with her monologue of me having an attitude problem and I can't keep my tempter in tact, so long and short of it we ended up screaming at each other.

    Point is when I argue with hubby (like couples do) MIL interferes and says I'm wrong. Husband never says anything to his mum. I feel as if it gives him a chance to slip out of the argument and lets his mum fight his battles. Then he blames on me that she is old (70YO) and I should not argue with her. Why doesn't he tell his mum to butt out??? (in the nicest possible way). What annoys me is that MIL reckons she can say things to me but not the other way round as she is basically my MIL and being the daughter-in-law I should respect her.

    It's not the first argument we've had, but it's always because she interfere's. Hubby says it comes with the package of living together. If I suggest moving out he refuses saying that I agreed to live with MIL before we got married and because she's a widow he can't leave her.

    Do men really side by their mums? Are you stuck in the middle or would you stick up for who's right. (whether mum or wife)?
    Tags: None
    #2
    Mum v Wife

    Hi Lotus,

    I think moving out asap would be for the best, but for your husband he loves living at home, for all the things you have said.

    And you feel like the intruder, even though it is supposed to be your own home !

    I can only say, and I mean this sincerely at least she is still alive, my mother-in -law died before I met my husband - how I regret this bitterly.

    I have NEVER been able to compete with her, everything she ever said, did, thought or whatever is burned into his mind and I can never do anything even 1/100th as good as her !!!
    That is in ALL aspects of life !! I even once in a drunken anger said to him 'you should have married your mother not me', but even sober I know she is on a pedestal for him.

    I think it's the classic mother and sons complex.

    I don't have an answer I am afraid because mine is not a physical/ geographical problem.

    I am offering symapthy though ! Oh, I do think he should stick for his wife though because his mother was supposed to bring him up to be independent and ready to look after his own family, not rely on her.

    Good Luck..

    Diamond x
    I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
    I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

    Marilyn Monroe

    Comment

      #3
      Mum v Wife

      When a man marries, he is supposed to leave his family and "cleave" to his wife. That is what the Bible says. Lotus, he should be sticking up for you (even if you are wrong!). His not doing so is not preserving the boundaries of your marriage. It is an unhealthy attachment between the two of them. Even worse, if he were more neutral and she would not try to run your life, the two of you (his mother) might have a chance to develop your own relationship.

      Sorry about the situation. It sounds really complicated to handle.

      Hugs,:l :l
      Kathy

      AF as of August 5th, 2012

      Comment

        #4
        Mum v Wife

        You know your CoDA stuff don't you Kathy! And you are absolutely right.

        Sorry to ask, but WHO did you marry???? I can't imagine living with a MIL. Life is short, it's meant to be fun, why put up with that crap?
        It always seems impossible until it's done....

        Comment

          #5
          Mum v Wife

          It all makes my head hurt...
          Control the Mind

          Comment

            #6
            Mum v Wife

            Thank you all.

            I do sometimes feel like I'm married to his mother as well.

            Oh Diamond I have been guilty of saying to my hubby "why don't you sleep with your mum then?". I know very distasteful but I said this as he always seems to stick by her.

            I think hubby needs to get some backbone. I don't mind me told when I'm wrong. But he always sides by his mum. He's even gone to the point of making me feel guilty that she won't live too long!!!! I hate saying this and I don't wish her dead....just out my personal life...but God forbids if something was to happen to MIL that is when hubby will realise to get some backbone and stick up for himself.

            BTW for those who watch Eastenders my MIL = Pauline Fowler.

            Mandy x

            Comment

              #7
              Mum v Wife

              Oh Mandy,

              Pauline Fowler, I feel for you honey,

              Kitty
              Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
              Confucius

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                #8
                Mum v Wife

                Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooo

                There's not enough space for the no that is coming out of my horrified mouth !!!!!

                Poor you LOL - sorry for laughing

                Diamond x
                I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                Marilyn Monroe

                Comment

                  #9
                  Mum v Wife

                  Oh Lotus.....this is so sad and I feel for you.

                  I say move out but bake cookies first.
                  Gabby :flower:

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Mum v Wife

                    Lotus,

                    I agree wholeheartedly with Kathy,
                    Hubby should be standing up for YOU - whether you are right or wrong.

                    He should be telling MIL to Butt Out!

                    Sounds like he doesn't want responsibility and still wants Mum to make the decisions / fight his battles for him - but still wants to have all the good bits of being married.

                    Can't have both in my opinion!

                    Move out! Get some distance from her.

                    ALL IMHO of course

                    Satori

                    xxx
                    "Though there are many paths at the foot of the mountain - all those who reach the top see the same moon - as any fule kno"

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Mum v Wife

                      Satori

                      Sorry my brain cells are not what they once used to be or my cyber language is not advanced.....what is IMHO????

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Mum v Wife

                        LOL! - IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.


                        Satori

                        xxx
                        "Though there are many paths at the foot of the mountain - all those who reach the top see the same moon - as any fule kno"

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Mum v Wife

                          Hubby sounds too immature to handle marriage with you because he is really married to his mother- just without the sex I hope!

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Mum v Wife

                            I have no advice, can't even imagine this situation but agree with all above and you have my sympathy. As for her dying - please realize that unless she is very ill this could go on for another 20-30 years. I met a 90 yr old man at the store yesterday. He was asking advice about toilet bowl cleaners. He lived alone, didn't want his daughter to do it for him when she came over because she had a bad back. He looked like he could be around another 20 yrs.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Mum v Wife

                              Hi Lotus,
                              Sorry your MIL is giving you such a hard time.
                              I can understand your husband saying that you have to honour the fact that you said you would stay with your MIL before you married.
                              However, your husband has to honour his marriage vows and keep any disputes you have between him and yourself.
                              Failing that............build her a Granny Pad at the bottom of the garden!!!!

                              Hoping you get the respect you deserve.

                              Much love,

                              Starlight Impress

                              Comment

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