Anger and Alcohol

[Guest]

Most of us know that after having a few drinks we are quicker to lose our tempers or say things that we normally would not but I feel that the relationship between alcohol and anger is a much more complicated.
It's bothering me now as I have an 83 year old mother who,although professional,well-educated, and charming,drank pretty much every night and was a very angry woman.For the last few years the anger was vented at my father who was quite ill. She was angry at him for being sick and felt powerless about it. He died last year and my siblings and I wondered what would happen to this anger. Would it dissappear or just be redirected.?After about 18months I can say that dealing with her is like walking through a mine field. This is not the way one wants to be with an elderly parent. My main reason for this post is I do not want to perpetuate this behavior and want to learn how.
After following the program for 6 weeks I feel more grounded. I know I am (or can be) an angry person. I guess apples don't fall far from apple trees.However I think without drinking (or staying sober) anger is more likely to be properly directed. I do not think anger is a bad emotion. I think it's appropriate in many cases and can drive us to get things done. However when misdirected can cause a lot of damage.
I'd love to know what your experiences with alcohol and anger are and what you think the relationship is;if any. I have friends who drink heavily but never get angry and friends who never drink but are angry as hell. In my case the relationship is very complicated. I'd love some of your wonderful insight!!!!!
Thanks
Janet

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Have to think about this one - but I can certainly relate.
Helen

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

anger

wow, very heavy topic. I think alcohol intensifies an angry person but I think that same person doenst need to have the alcolol to be angry. Alcohol can only rub the angry button it cant make it. I am just coming out of a 24 year marriage that held a lot of anger in it. I dont think I will ever figure it out. (I drank to help me cope with his anger) A book I am readin now is ANGRY MEN AND THE WOMEN THAT LOVE THEM
It has a lot of information. Mostly on men tho. (sorry guys) gabby

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Hi Janet,

This truly is a loaded question. I come from a very large family. Some have problems with alcohol, some do not. Some are angry people, some are not. However, the two do not always meet. I do not understand it. When I drank, before I abused alcohol, I was never an angry drinker, perhaps because I am not an angry person. When I did start abusing alcohol, still, I was not angry, I was just so depressed. I am not sure that was any better, as a matter of fact, I am sure it was no better!

I can tell you that those in my family who are alcoholics, and are angry, are not very much fun to be around whether they are drinking or not. I guess now that I am really thinking about this, there is alot of anger in some of my siblings, the younger ones in particular and it is quite hard to take. When they drink they are explosive!

The relationship between anger and family is very comlicated all by itself! My siblings (older and younger) are very angry for wrongs they perceive were done to them years ago. One of these siblings who is so angry is not an alcoholic. But man, he is just so darn angry!! He even ended up in the hospital having serious surgery on his stomach, details not necessary!

So it has been my experience that you can have anger passed down to you, or you can some how choose not to be angry. I really do think, to a certain extent, it really is a choice! I don't know why I am not one of the angry siblings unless choice really does make that much of a difference. There are older siblings angry and younger ones. I'm the middle.

This really is a complicated subject. I hope I haven't confused it for you more!

Donna

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

yes i get very angry when i drink - i do and say things that i would never do when sober. I think that if a peron is angry, drinking will only exascerbate? (worsen) the anger.

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

My experience is just the opposite. I would drink to escape from strong feelings lots of times (and also to avoid feeling lonely). I'm usually the "happy drunk" type. When I do get mad when drinking it is no better or worse than when I'm not, I don't think. I worked on my anger and how I expressed it a lot in therapy before I ever had a drinking problem.

Kathy

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

wow this is a biggie.

One thing I know from studying psychology is that depression is anger turned inward. So depressed people can let the demon out of the box when their inhibitions are reduced by alchohol. I have let that happen a few times. Now I am very much on guard about it. Not too many drinks, in other words, though I still have a few each night. Trying to keep it to three.

Ivy/Ned

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Re: wow this is a biggie.

I never thought of myself as an angry drunk, but I'm told...:rolleyes that when my "Evil Twin", shows up,...she can be a real "castrating B*tch!
I just thought I was funny and a little sarcastic...:b , but I guess my humor goes a bit over board sometimes...:eek I try to keep a close check on that these days ... after numerous threats of being video taped! Don't think I wanna see it!8o

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Re: wow this is a biggie.

Thanks for all your responses. They make me think.I think I am a "happy" drunk. It's the next day when my emotions are all over the place that my anger(probably most of it at myself although I'm not depressed) starts seething out. I guess this is an emotion that has to be dealt with whether you drink or not. I also know that if I'm angry about a situation or event I should not drink. I guess recognizing this is a step in the right direction.
Thanks all.
Janet








t

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Anger and Alcohol

Dear Janet,

I am sorry this is happening to you. So sorry about your dad too. would have been nice for him to have an easier time of it.

I left my husband for over a year because his anger was sooooooo over the top. I walked on eggshells for 4-5 years and avoided him often, to avoid a fight. It was killing me. Yes, he drank and was not nice - but like Donna said, he just wasn't nice sober either.

Turns out he was super chronically depressed, runs in his family both sides and turned his grandma mean, really mean. His grandma didn't drink but when they finally got her on some anitdepressants at the ripe old age of 93 - she was a dream to be around for those last three years. Finally my mom in law had a mother to make some good memories with.

My husband went on meds and to therapy. He found some great meds that he is still taking pretty faithfully 4 years later. He is nicer than the guy I said yes to!

Janet you are right though, if it is a trigger for you being aware is the first step. I wish you joy in the times you spend with your mom. Is there anyway, you and/or siblings can get her to a doctor/therpist and find some meds that may help her along?

Hugs,
Mary

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

This is a terrific thread! Anger is often a cover for so many other feelings. As you said in the first post, Janet, many times anger is appropriate, but it can also cover depression, sadness, vulnerability, fear, etc., etc. This is more often true in men, who are raised not to show feelings of vulnerability, but it is certainly true for many women, as well.

My mother turned most of her feelings into anger when I was growing up, which had quite an impact on my siblings and me. I, too, was quite angry when a teen and easily angered in my 20's. I can still get angry easily now, but I sure don't feel entitled to be a bitch or be verbally abusive to others. Sometimes it takes me a while of stewing before I figure out how to deal with angry feelings appropriately. Of course, in the past, I would just drink, and that would make anger just fade away......didn't matter anymore..

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

I think I have run the gammut (is that a word?) of emotions I exhibit when I drink. For the most part... I'm just giggly, relaxed, and nothing seems to be bother me too much, whereas I get so easily stressed and cant STOP until I have a drink. Or so it WAS. (Doing much better now).

But I have gone through seasons when I was angry... divorce, hubby losing a job due to 911 and shutting down ports, not of anything he did wrong... etc. During those days, when I drank, I became angry. Everything I was angry about just came flying out....

These days, if I drink too much, I start out giggly, then get talkative, then get weepy... sad about things I feel I've done wrong, missing my friends back home, my son, etc.

But my father was always a very angry person, and later in life (after I was grown and married) became a heavy drinker. His anger got so much worse... now he is almost consumed by it. He reminds me of the old man who became a hermit in those old movies of "shirley Temple". He cannot forgive anyone, and if you engage in any conversation with him while he is drinking, which is most of the time now, all he can talk about is "what somebody DID to him, or DIDNT do right... " Its always somebody else's fault... and he is so angry. So there is definitely a relationship. Though complicated!

Allie

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Wow. Learned a lot in this thread. Thank you all. Although I have heard all the words before & probably even said them they seem to take on deeper meaning this time. Anger as the cover up for vulnerability, fear & I will add insecurity...Thank you..Kathy. So much sense for men as well as for me..most of my life...anger at my father ..which I could do nothing about, not allowed to express...then later in life...just learned to suppress any anger with drinking which actually worked quite well...thanks again K....makes perfect sense to my life....having some very clear thoughts about my father these days..not new just simply... crystal, that I now can confidently state in clinical words..I find it rather powerful & cleansing...I think it may be the hypnosis cds & all of the program, etc. ...too bad I am almost 60 before coming to such clarity ..better late than never I suppose...

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

For what this is worth...

My husband and I went to a marriage conference this weekend. YES, we needed it! It touched on many different things, and I wish I could just download all the notes, because although they have everything to do with marriage, it is mostly about RELATIONSHIPS, and honoring and valuing that which you have committed to.

So anyway..(wipe a tear) The couple who led this seminar is a "blended family" like mine.... can anyone relate?

He had his PHD, etc... and still his wife left him. But what I most admired about him, was his PERSPECTIVE on losing his marriage. Most would say.... "you are not fit to teach anyone... because YOU of course, have been divorced."

He too was devastated at his divorce, and he said it kicked his pride in the butt... especially having a PHD. But... he said something that really hit my husband and I both learned something.

He said that, divorce, death and deep pain will never go away. And we get "false" conceptions that we will KNOW when we are TRULY HEALED from that pain, because we wont FEEL it anymore....

WRONG.

The truth is... you will always walk with a limp. But that limp can become your greatest assett, or your greatest point of bitternesss. There lies your choice. And the best news is... your limp can actually be your avenue to the greatest joy you have ever known!

He asked us some tough questions today. Ones that no one raised their hand. All I can say is... this conference was the best thing we have done for our marriage since our wedding night, but it had nothing to do with sex, but all encompassing sex at its core. Confusing, I know. You just had to be there!

I am so glad we are pushing past those points that are uncomfortable (like going to a marriage conference when your husband is only in town on weekends).

All the best,
Allie

[Guest]

Anger and Alcohol

Hi again...shouldn't do this as I confess I have developed insomnia from the program & had no sleep last night (it is 8:30pm here for me) & I just drank 2 gl of wine & I am going to try to sleep. This thread has triggered a lot of thinking for me. I am a systems analyst/writer by profession & love it..but will try to be net here. Lets just narrow to those who have the disease like us.
For some here anger has been the actual trigger to drink in order to suppress or escape the anger feelings. For some, drinking triggers some angry feelings that get expressed. For others, like aution anger is not a real player, and like Allie emotions in general are involved in drinking scenarios. Of course, anger is an emotion. Obviously there is a juxtaposition between anger and alcohol. I bet it is part of the healing process for all of us to understand the exact nature of that anger - alcohol relationship. Which is the cause & which is the effect? Has the relationship type been a constant in your life? Did it or does it ever switch up? Does anyone or any thing make it switch up? If anger is the cause(trigger), what is the ROOT cause?

And of course, the juxtaposition to emotion... Obvious why it is called "spirits" right?. Other drugs affect other parts of the being -- the pleasure centers of the brain, the muscles & sexual centers, etc. Alcohol -- right to the emotions. Sorry -- I know you all know this.

But you know what -- I think I am going to get out a 12 step book -- after my daughters graduation barbecue (which I am totally obsessing over which is next Sat) and look at the self- refection exercises. I guess I never thought I would say that. LOL LOL!!! Thanks again you guys. Chrysa