Twisted Thinking

[retteacher]

Hi Everyone:

Today, I happened upon a medical test report of mine from '05. I had been binging regularly & was worried about my health. The report pronounced me normal on every test (including the liver panel...good genes). Very quickly, my inner drinking demon began to talk to me:
-"You must not have been so bad."
-"Have yourself a nice little binge." (I'm realistic enough to know I can't moderate.)
It was scary because I've got a string of 22 AF days & haven't heard from the demon in a while.

While I was outside working in the yard, my reasonable mind kicked in:
-"How long would you be able to keep it up wo/having physical effects?"
-"What about being emotionally sick while drinking?" (anxiety, self-hatred)
-"What about being spiritually sick while drinking?" (hiding, lying, subterfuge)

If it's not too painful, have any long-term abbers or modders out there had a relapse after a long sober stint? If so, what did you tell yourself right before it, & how did you get back on track? I've been feeling so great in every way, it's hard to believe that the drinking demon still has so much power. Thanks for listening everyone. Mary

[Java]

Twisted Thinking

I am on m first long stint now, just over 6 months, and while it gets easier throught time, that demon pops up on me every so often. I tell it i will do something else for and hour then reevaluate if i really need that drink...and so far I havent.

[gabby]

Twisted Thinking

Guys the demon still pops up on me and I'm 14 months.

[Mags]

Twisted Thinking

I really hate to say it, but the demon is always there. What you have to do on your long term abs is to spend that time becoming stronger and stronger so that when he does come again, you are strong enough to say "Go away" That does work sometimes.

I am ashamed to say that I have really seen the demon. I was psychotic for quite a while (TG haven't been for almost 2 years) and the demon really was a demon who came into my room and terrorized me at night. That was when I quit drinking, but then started drinking again to handle the terror - just what he wanted me to do. I know this sounds like I am crazy, but I really did have visits from him and saw him. I don't anymore but know I can again any day. I believe that as long as I stay AF, he won't come again.

What I am saying is that when you are in the early days of quitting, the demon may come again. All I could do was sit there like a rock and let him go away finally. That works, to just be nonresponsive. Eventually he will go away, but can come back at any time. Now I am strong. Let him come.

This is all very real to me. The demon has a body (not a face) for me.

By now, you all think I am crazy. Maybe you're right. But use these times when you are AF to become strong. Every day makes you stronger. Yes, the demon will come back, but next time you will be stronger.

[YoungAtHeart]

Twisted Thinking

I don't think you're crazy, Mags. You got psychotic for a while. It sounds like it was pretty darn scary.

I don't know when that little voice will hit me hard, Mary. So far it hasn't been all that loud. I guess I've rationalized my way back into drinking so many times that I'm pretty good at seeing my tricks by now. Every time I've had a few drinks after a period of abs, it only takes a while before I've been back at it full-force. You just get to a place where you know what's going to happen if you cave. I'm not complacent though. In social situations where there is drinking, I take something AF of my own, to make sure I'm not tempted.

I only have 7 weeks at this point, so I'm relatively new to being abs for longer than a few weeks, but I have LOTS of experience with slips! ;-)

Hugs,
Kathy

[retteacher]

Twisted Thinking

Thank you all. I know how crazy the demon makes me, so I don't characterize anyone as crazy. Our real selves are perfectly sane.

I like the idea of waiting it out. I can do that. Also, I have gone to social situations w/a big bottle of something AF in my hand. By the time, I've finished sipping it, the temptation has died down. It's the first few minutes in the door that are the hardest.

[InnerStrength]

Twisted Thinking

KATHY, 7 weeks!!! Thats amazing! I am so proud of you! We can beat this demon if we are always diligent. Ask yourself if drinking is important enough to RUIN your sobriety? Think about how many years you have faught this thing and lived in shame etc. I thought about it the other day and realized that most of the 7 years of my current relationship (plus time prior to that) had been deeply affected by me binging. That's sad. If I let myself start here or there, it will happen again. So I have to draw the line.
Jen

[Accountable for Me]

Twisted Thinking

Mags me too. When I came off of the hard stuff I had night terrors and saw the faceless demon too. Alcohol does crazy stuff to us.

The demon will always be there. You just have to remember it can pop at any time and try to catch you off guard. My dad and his wife quit smoking 16 years ago and it was only until last year they still got a hankering for one. Addiction will always be there but it does get better with time!

[Janice]

Twisted Thinking

Hi Mary, After 42 AFdays I convinced myself I was in total control!! I think my turning point was the 30Af mark, thinking "what now?". My return to "normal" drinking was planned as they say! "Just one glass of red wine on a Sat night, one glass on a Sunday night, no weekday drinking, no, not me!" They were my rules - coincedentally I decided on them the weekend my mam came out of hospital after 4 weeks of drying out then she hit the bottle on the Friday (I'm sure there's a link there somewhere). Anyway, one thing led to another, all the stresses that life throws at us gave me the excuse to just blow the rules, "I'll never be as bad as before" but the reality is you end up worse. I think I started hearing that little voice when I relaxed the hypno cds too. So, be forever vigilant, never complacent, you've done sooooo well Mary. Over the last few weeks when I've been at my lowest with losing Dad, I have read your posts and have been amazed at your progress - you stuck with MWO, you had lots of setbacks and look at you now! Don't lose it Mary. Much love Janicexx

[BeanoC]

Twisted Thinking

There is enough history of alcoholism in my family to write a book! I don't know about the demon for any of them, because talking about it is absolutely taboo in this family! None of us are alcoholics, for Pete's sake! We just like to drink! And lot of them have money, so they are 'above' AA meetings, counseling, etc. That's for peasants. We can afford to drink whenever we want. Certainly people of their social stature can't be alcoholics!

What a crock. :H :H


Anyway, I have seen relatives stop drinking for weeks or months at a time, and then fall off HARD. So although we don't speak of 'the demon', I know many of them have experienced it, and given in to it even after relatively long periods of being AF.

And I had become the master of justification! I could rationalize why it was perfectly ok for me to drink in almost any circumstance. So now, I just remind myself of the lyrics to that Kenny Chesney song:

"The Devil takes your hand and says 'no fear, have another shot, just one more beer.' I've been there. That's why I'm here."


Beano

[PinkLady]

Twisted Thinking

Beano,

Thanks for sharing that! We have the same family! LOL!

We don't discuss it either --- except about my brother when he was diagnosed with liver problems. He said then, "I just quit drinking then and there and had no symptoms of withdrawal at all. See, I don't have a drinking problem!" Well, I live far from him so I don't know about that, but several months later, he was back to drinking. He says his liver is fine now. When I saw him last, he was driving with an open beer for the couple miles to my mother's house (where we were staying). I am not to that point. Hell, I can wait 2 minutes!! Anyway, nothing is said, except that he is lucky he hasn't been caught. My mom and I were drinking about the same amount each night during that visit (but not driving!!), so no one was raising any concern. After I returned from this trip (to FL in June), I remember a phone call from my Mom and brother's saying she was going to end her life. As my brother's tell it, she was loaded. That blew over (as it has many times in the past), and the next day was like it never happened. Can you say dysfunctional???

Anyway, that is what I thought of when you were discussing your family.

Congrats on Day 4! Are you considering the CD's and/or supplements? I really think they both help --- a lot.

[BeanoC]

Twisted Thinking

Wow pinklady, we really DO have the same family! :H

And we just got back from FL in June as well. Weird. (No cruise this year, but 5 days in Vero Beach and 11 in DisneyWorld.)


You said something else that sounded SO like my family: somebody gets smashed, says or does something crazy, then the next day everybody pretends it never happened. If I had a nickle for everytime that happened in my family, I'd retire.