ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

[diamond]

1

[betty boop]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Diamond, I went through exactly the same thing, I even found out that my hubby was signing in when I was at work and reading my PM's ....

I just asked a straight question to him ... Would you sooner come home to me being drunk or on the computer??

I would never give up this place because there is always someone new that needs to know that some one else has been where they are now and got through it .....

You and I both needed help when we found this place, and now we can give something back by being here ............ Tell him that you are supporting other people ...........

Cheer Up Love xx

BB xx

[Beaches]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Ugh Diamond I know exactly what you mean, really I do. I told my husband about the site and my drinking and he was fine with it, maybe he wasn't really paying attention because then later on he started paying attention. He started asking who I was "chatting" to and getting all over me about being on the computer so much and it drove me crazy. I got very defensive but one thing was for sure I was not leaving here Then little comments came about the wine in the house (which never happened before) and other things. I really don't think he ever noticed how much I was drinking before I brought it up to him. Gee, that was a smart move on my part. Now I wish I would have just been quiet and worked on this in secret, but oh well.
I really think it's jealousy. I also find that I switch from e-mail to the site when he walks into the room so I don't have to deal with it. There are ways around it. I wish you all the best and hope you cheer up soon.

[Guest]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Hi Diamond.........this is a tough one!!!

I often used to wish I had a spouse/ partner to help me get myself off of the booze, as from most of the posts I can see how fantastic it would be to have support at home.
However, I`ve read a few posts where it`s been said that spouses have gone as far as to use bully boy/girl tactics to make the drinker see sense.

So, although I`m often lonely , I`m also somewhat glad that I am single and therefore have the freedom to tackle my drinking problem in the way that suits myself personally.

But, a marriage/relationship is built on trust, and let`s face it...........the internet doesn`t exactly have a glowing reputation in many respects, as we`ve all heard sensational tales of "the wife who ran off and left her hubby and four kids for some `geezer` she met online"...............someone finding their spouse suddenly having an avid interest in the pc is bound to be a little curious, if not suspicious.

However, you got involved with this site with honourable intentions, and your husband ought to respect that, because both as a result of M.W.O. and your own commitment, your husband has his sober wife back.

You have to get him to understand that 3 mths. isn`t such a very long time, and that you still need the ongoing support of your friends here to keep you strong...........let`s not forget I ended up drunk again after 10 yrs. sober. I can only say, that if I manage, please God, to get sober this time around, that I will remain involved indefinitely with M.W.O. as my safety-net to ensure that I remain sober.

Also, as Betty said...........your input and seeing how you arrived at being 3 mths. AF is invaluable reading for newbies............it`s reading of the successes of others that causes newbies to lay down their fears and set out on their own road to recovery.

Freeing ourselves from alcohol is a remarkable and exciting voyage of self-discovery............so much of our personalities have been thwarted by the booze.
Although your husband undoubtedly prefers you sober, as do your children, a spouse can be considerably shocked(just as we are) at the changes they witness in the recovering partner.

Leaving the drink behind allows our self-esteem to recover, and I think this renewed confidence in yourself is making your hubby feel a little insecure. Add to that the fact that you`ve lost over 40 lbs. in weight since quitting, and it`s little wonder that hubby is nervous at his `new` slim-line wife being on the net.

You really need to have another chat with him to allow him to realize that being at M.W.O. has significantly contributed to you being who you are today, and that you did all this for yourself, your husband, your children............and noone else!!! After all, M.W.O. is not a dating site.

Talk to him. Stay strong. Win your valid argument!!!

Good luck,

Starlight Impress x

[Deilight]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Tell your hubby I need you! You're always so sweet and supportive. He needs to share you with us now, it's better than sharing you with the monster alcohol!

Hope all turns out well, you'd be sorely missed if you left. Maybe have a "secret computer affair" with MWO.

I must say that I felt a little like I was getting hooked on this site but it's better than being hooked on the booze!

[nancy]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

I think Starlight is right. The internet does not have a great reputation. I had a friend who was unhappy in her marriage but had an illness so she was stuck in the house so she developed an online relationship with some guy who lived in another country. I was really amazed at how serious these online relationships can get for people who have never seen each other or met each other. There, though, there were underlying issues in her marriage. I don't know if you have those but maybe that is something to look at without the haze of booze. Does he have any reason to worry that you might not be happy?

also, I think you should do whatever you need to do to get support. On the other hand, it's good to be moderate in all things. I decided to stop looking here during work hours because I think the use might be monitored and it was getting in the way of work. It was excessive. I just had to change that habit and it worked. I now try to log in a few times a day outside work hours.

So maybe you need some compromise here, not all or nothing which gets us into the drinking mode anyway. Maybe you should check in a few times a day but avoid excessive use. Having said that, the most important thing is that you get support from not drinking and this is a good way to do that. Another option is to seek out face-to-face meetings of some kind. I am not a fan of AA. but I think there is something called SMART in some areas and there might be a women's sobriety group you should check out. that should not prove threatening to him.

Good luck,

[paula]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Hi Diamond, I can't add to whats already been said, except my husband is exactly the same. When I slipped on monday he said I should seek help from my gp, I said I get
all my support from mwo, he was very angry with me and I felt bad afterwards,still do.
You do give a lot to this site, and I would hate for you to give up. Some times when we
get sober our families can resent it because they no longer have the same control over
us and we are not quite so dependent on them. Just a thought!
Hope you feel better soon. Love Paula.x

[lucky 2.0]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

I really do not have any advise because I am not in your situation. I am single and live alone but do have a long term bf ( 11 years I think ) and he knows of the site. He does not know the name of the site but I have told him I am lucky ducky and now that I am Pope Duck. I told him of my avatar. He gets a kick out of it and knows it is fun for me. He does not know of the serious side of alcohol abuse though. When he was looking for a gun I mentioned it here and got lots of good feedback, in addition to specific websites to check out, training groups, etc. When I told him of this advice that was intended specifically for him, I think he felt good about the site and the people. I will also mention certain member names and a bit about them and what country they live in. I think he is a bit fascinated by it all. I will never tell him enough so that he could get on here - it is too special to share- but I think he likes being included in the small way that I do. This probably is not helpful to you....

[InnerStrength]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Diamond
Would your husband be angry if you were attending AA meetings every night and being away from the house for an hour and a half each night? (plus socializing time with AA people?) At least you are at home. I would say this site is your support group - you are not cured in 3 months - in AA, people continue to attend for 25-35-45 years! While it does of course get easier with time, you are not CURED in any given time. You need continual support if you want to maintain your sobriety. And you need to talk to people who understand your issues. This is YOUR recovery and YOUR sobriety and your recovery has to come first. Tell him it doesnt mean you dont love him as much - it is simply placing your sobriety as a priority in life so you can STAY sober.
Good luck
Love jen

[retteacher]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Diamond:

I haven't told my husband about the extent of my drinking or about this site. In a way, I wish I could, but that's not how we are. I'm on this site when I feel I need it, & it has been solely responsible for my staying sober. Ultimately, my sobriety is making positive changes in our marriage. We have only one go-round at life, & if you feel this is an integral part of your sobriety, then I think you have to make him understand. Good luck, Mary

[hart]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

((((Diamond))))

I am extremely lucky. I told my husband about MWO from the start. And as a lot of you, he was just glad I wasn't drinking. He comes in once in a while or I drag him in to read one of our jokes. He's even looked at chat a few times and had me right some things for him. I can spend a lot of time on it, especially chat when we get a great group of people. But I ask him after spending time w/him if it would be okay if I get on MWO for awhile. I think he likes it 'cause he can watch the science and war channels, which I don't like. He is glad when we don't drink. Actually I think he is more jealous about the time I spend volunteering 4 hours one nite a week. But I like working the Crisis Line and he knows it! I still think honesty is the best policy, because they can't say you didn't tell them what you were doing.

[gabby]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

I think the best point so far is Jennehs. Other then that it is hard for me cuz my ex had a love affair with the remote control to the tv's. He used to get mad at me for bein on the computer and I said I'll give up the computer when you give up your tv. It ended the conversation everytime. But then again.....so did our marriage. But that wasnt EVEN the reason. And I wont get started.

[gabby]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

My bf on the other hand is supportive cuz he sees the support I get here. He is also very educated in Psychology so he can relate.

[adagirl]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

InnerStrength;172615 wrote: Diamond
Would your husband be angry if you were attending AA meetings every night and being away from the house for an hour and a half each night? (plus socializing time with AA people?) At least you are at home. I would say this site is your support group - you are not cured in 3 months - in AA, people continue to attend for 25-35-45 years! While it does of course get easier with time, you are not CURED in any given time. You need continual support if you want to maintain your sobriety. And you need to talk to people who understand your issues. This is YOUR recovery and YOUR sobriety and your recovery has to come first. Tell him it doesnt mean you dont love him as much - it is simply placing your sobriety as a priority in life so you can STAY sober.
Good luck
Love jen

I was just gonna mention the same thing. I think AA recommends you to attend a meeting every day for the first 90 days, then I'm not sure how much after that, but it is ONGOING. I think your DH is just insecure because you're gettin your shit together, losing weight, feeling more confident, etc. He might be afraid you're gonna leave him behind. I don't think it really has anything to do w/the time you spend online. Now, my DH doesn't complain because I've always been addicted to the internet. If I'm not on this site, then I'm on one of my moms' sites, weight watchers site, my e-mail, whatever. Its a mental escape for me and I think everyone needs some sort of mental escape in their day.

[Determinatrix]

ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

Diamond,

Determinator is online a lot. I mean, HOURS every night. When he first found this site in Oct 2006 he shared it with me. When he went into detox and they told him he was not allowed to bring in his computer - panic ensued. He gave me his password so that I could give you all updates, and bring him print outs of the encouragement everyone here offered.

I have to admit that I have had concerns about his spending so much time online. I think that he is able to feel understood by many of you here that have been in his shoes; things that I may never understand.

And his being able to help others is very therapeutic for him. Sometimes on his hard days, he slugs through because he does not want to disappoint those that are counting on him. Whatever works.

I think that once I had Determinator back from the clutches of alcohol, I was so severely neglected in many ways that I just wanted to bathe in him. But he was busy. Because he was now seeing and admitting things he could not before, I felt there were things that I was able to talk to him about now, things he was unwilling to hear before. But he was busy. There were things to cover, discuss, plan; things I had done in his absence before that I now wanted him included in. But he was busy.

As a spouse, we have picked up your slack, covered your arse, put your dead weight to bed, slept on the couch, apologized on your behalf, etc. Sometimes we just need to know that we are still not being left behind.

So I can understand why your spouses, etal feel what they feel. I can also understand the importance of this forum. I am grateful that Determinator has included me. This site is too big and important to him to exclude me. And to share in his sobriety and enjoy the journey with him seemed balanced since I had traveled many a dark road with him.

Sorry to be windy. Just thought I could share on this perspective.
Dx