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ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

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    #16
    ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

    Everything Inner/Jenneh said. You could be out of the house at AA meetings all the time- you have been gone at REHAB for 60 days then be going to AA every night. Some people go to two meetings a day! THEN they are on the phone with their sponsor.

    Break it down for him like that. Plus 3 months sober, while is something to be so proud of, is not long enough for you to leave this site, just as it wouldn't be to stop going to AA meetings. AA is for LIFE! He may be a tad jealous or just doesn't get it, but really he should be grateful you are home. Don't leave the site and don't you dare start drinking again because of him. I think he'll get it. :h

    Oh and Dx you are an awesome wife- he is sooo lucky to have you.
    Sunny days, sweeping the, clouds away. On my way, to where the air is sweeeet!!! Can you tell me how to get, how to get to......LOL

    Comment

      #17
      ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

      Diamond,

      I wanted to apologize for my earlier response. I have re-read my post several times and I seem so bitter, which surprised me. I can honestly state that I have moments of bitterness, but I do not feel that in general. Determinator and I are best friends, we work together, we are completely open with each other.

      I wanted you to know that I have enjoyed our brief interaction on this forum and encourage you to stay with us all.

      Sorry if this sicilian came on too strong. As someone who does not battle with alcohol, I know that I will never truly understand where you all are coming from. And maybe the vice versa applies.

      Dx
      * * I love Determinator * *

      Comment

        #18
        ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

        Thankyou everyone,

        I appreciate all the advice, I logged on and off yesterday several times but just couldn't know what to say.

        The update is: my husband knows what I am like drunk in the evenings more than he has ever known me sober, 14 years drunk every night v 3 months sober. So I understand to an extent where he is coming from with regards to that. Lets not forget that I was an awful person when drunk too.

        I have never admitted publicly before but I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused as a child (I have only told one person recently who I trust, before admitting this today) and these 3 months have given me time to review what happened and my behaviour since.(I always blamed myself and I never told).

        I told my husband when I married him what had happened but he didn't seem to believe, this may be because he knows the person very well, from that time things have not been easy. He has even said to me that I must have been very naughty as a child to be smacked and shouted at so much. Please don't be shocked, or angry it is ok, he is still a good person.
        I would also not want to disrespect him as he cannot tell you his own side of this problem.

        Obviously I cannot tell my life story on this forum and this is only a tiny, tiny part of what I can share, but I felt that I owed an explanation, in some regards I wished I had not posted this in the first place because I am usually very reserved in public, believe it or not !!

        This morning we had a major argument and are now discussing whether to stay together or separate. I may not post much in the next few days but I am grateful for all the advice and support I have been given. I hope whatever comes out of this that I can still come back if that's ok ? and support others as I have been given support.

        Thankyou for pm's and emails too, I am sorry this is a long posting, but wanted to explain.

        with respect to all of you,
        Diamond
        I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
        I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

        Marilyn Monroe

        Comment

          #19
          ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

          1
          I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
          I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

          Marilyn Monroe

          Comment

            #20
            ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

            Diamond, I will say a prayer for you and yours. It sounds like you have been through so much. I hope you and your husband can work it out. I have read so many times how when one person stops drinking, even though that is what the other "wanted," everything shifts. Perhaps with time and examination you can work things through...hugs.

            Comment

              #21
              ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

              Hi Diamond,

              Just a thought, but could you perhaps share with your husband that this is your "AA" sort of speak? And perhaps you could schedule a specific time that your on for an hour or so maybe while he is not home. That way you could still get your support and he won't feel left out.

              Good luck!

              Michaela
              :beach: "You can't go uphill thinking downhill thoughts"
              AF since 10/11/2008

              Comment

                #22
                ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                Oh Dear Dear Diamond,

                Your latest reply puts new light on our conversations and PMs.

                My sister-in-law confided to her brothers some 20+ years after the fact that their father had had incest with her from the time she was 12 until she got married (to escape) in her early twenties. It was easier for the family to believe she was lying or had gone koo-koo, then to believe their father had committed (repeatedly) such a haneous act.

                It is hard when the ones we love violate us or worse as in the case of my mother-in-law don't protect their children physically or in the case of your husband doesn't protect you emotionally. My mother-in-law was doing the best she could. She never balanced a check book or knew anything about the bills owed. Having four children in the 1950s, she had no clue how to take care of them on her own. Sometimes our psyche puts up a brick wall when something is so horrible, that we chose not to try to comprehend it.

                Love & Kisses. You know how to reach me if you need me.

                Comment

                  #23
                  ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                  Diamond,

                  hi, I'v read all the advise given in one of your recent postings, I think they are all great, there is some good advise in all the postings. I have to say that this site can get one hooked, because it is so good. I was on it over 4 hours yesterday reading peoples comments and advises.

                  I can now see that this could be a little bit to much for my partner, I'm going to be sensible on the hrs I spend here. U should not stop using the site, I 'm sure that your husband will understand, just try to be honest with him, show him that you truely care as I am such you do.

                  It's good you referred me to your thread, I can now have an idea about you. I can see you are a Christian, I 'm born into one, but I'm not sure I can call myself a Christian, I have to say I cherish Christian ideals. To be a Christian is very hard, just lost a Christian friend,who always preach forgive!, forgive thing!, why didn't God give him a good wife, all he got was a selfish alcoholic like me as a wife, now he is dead, she is alive.

                  Honesty remains the best policy, u got to be open and honest with your husband, I think it is a drinking behaviour to lie, hide and keep secrets. I'm sure your partner knows you more than you think, because he is sober, if he could stand you for 14 yrs, going to this site will not change a thing I hope.

                  My partner and I openned this site together, I'm not good with computer, she is, I have no secret anymore to keep, she is my rock, I have been a bad boy to her for years,now I'm going to try to be sober for myself and her, she has been through hell for me. How would you feel if your husband started going to some of these naughty sites in the net, things could go very wrong, as a Christian you should know that human mind is very funny I should say.

                  I know you care about your family that is why you are looking for a good advise, I'm sure you will get it here, the group is cool, I can see it. Read your bible I'm sure that there will be great ideas on this issue, though I do not believe in the God part of it all, though I should never say never on these things.

                  I think love, truth, openness, support and care, taking each day as the new good day is all we need now.

                  Good luck!!


                  G_laughter
                  Now I've found the secrets, I WILL remain sober for ever!!

                  The key to remain sober forver:

                  Attraction: To Jenny not the bottle

                  Give & take: Love

                  Gravity & Kama : What goes up most come down

                  Secrets & lies: If you have notthing to hide, you can not tell lies, sorrow and guilt will not be your friend much longer.

                  Comment

                    #24
                    ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                    Dear Diamond

                    Alcohol changes our lives so much when it is in our lives - and also when it is out of our lives. People like us must live with that. It's hard.

                    You have already gotten some good advice. I just want you to know that I am praying that this is a bump in your marriage that will hopefully made it stronger. You and your husband are both very good people. I hope that with patience you guys can work this out.

                    Love......................
                    Rest in Peace, Bear. We miss you.

                    Comment

                      #25
                      ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                      Diamond - You 've asked for prayers and I'm sending them ... I realy hope this is 'just' a Healing Crisis...very good with hindsight but hell in it. We become really different yet of course familiar going AF and things surely have to shift around a bit and, like growing teeth, it can hurt! And be confusing too. Change will always feel wrong because we humans are programmed to go for the familiar. It is only by recognising the 'wrongness' that we know change is happening and, for us, that's what we want isn't it or we'd still be drinking and feeling familiar...?! (And 'change-feelings' can takes months to manifest - just keep not drinking wont you? Please?...)
                      I really hope it settles down in a few days and that hindsight is kind for you and your hubby.
                      FMF xx
                      :heart: c: :heart:
                      "Be patient and gentle with yourself - the magic is in you."

                      Comment

                        #26
                        ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                        Thanks everybody this was a week or so ago now and it's ok, I will be ok now, bumpy ride but hanging on !!! All those prayers must be working !! Thanks once again.
                        I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                        I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                        Marilyn Monroe

                        Comment

                          #27
                          ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                          .....
                          I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                          I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                          Marilyn Monroe

                          Comment

                            #28
                            ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                            b
                            I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                            I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                            Marilyn Monroe

                            Comment

                              #29
                              ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                              ,
                              I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                              I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                              Marilyn Monroe

                              Comment

                                #30
                                ADVICE PLS: Openess v Secrecy ?

                                .
                                I feel as though it's all happening to someone right next to me.
                                I'm close, I can feel it, I can hear it, but it isn't really me.

                                Marilyn Monroe

                                Comment

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