How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

[Guest]

I have a huge question that I would like some feedback on if ya'll don't mind!

As I'm sure you all know, it is said that those of us that battle this drinking issue are supposed to be, by nature, very selfish people. "Everything is about me and my drinking, etc."
To an extent I agree with that. However, the problem I am dealing with is quite the opposite.

My entire life as been all about everyone else. How can I help, how can I be there, what can I do?
Then, as a parent it has been about what committee can I volunteer for next, what group can I coach and/or be leader for?

When we learned two of our children had Autism, that opened a whole new area of need. I had a background in Special Education when my children were diagnosed, so I had a basis of understanding to build on. I took that basis and set forth on a new venture to help any and every family I could find that was dealing with Autism issues that may not have the understanding that I was blessed with through my education. More committees, more support groups, more of simply being there for others. During this time, my husband and I were going through a divorce and I was putting myself through nursing school.

I hope that no one gets the feeling that I resent anything that I have done or am doing in my life and my career as a nurse now to help others.

My question is simply, how do I get to a place where I can stop taking care of everyone else, and start taking care of myself?

I have all the "ingredients" for this wonderful program, the supps, the topa, the cds, the book, and of course this site... and I believe at the core of my being that this program can help me.

Yet for some reason, there is always something "more important" going on, or something "more important" that I have to get done for someone that I can't listen to my cd's, or I can't do what I need to do for me.

Then when there finally is time, time to give to me, I am so wipe out, so exhausted... I say "screw it" and have "a drink." (which we all know means not just A drink) Then I wake up the next morning feeling like crap and hating myself for not taking the time to take care of me.

I know that of all the things I can do for anyone in my life, taking care of myself, and teaching my children by letting them see me care for myself is the GREATEST GIFT I can give.

So why can't I seem to fit myself into my own "self"???? (does that even make sense?)

I thank anyone with the patience enough to even read all this, and I wish for all of us; Peace and love.

Thank you all!
Kristen

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Kristen,
I don't know how to help you, but I want you to know that I understand. I'm realizing that I have been educating myself to take good care of others for decades. (I've been teaching special education for 25 years, the last 12 years, exclusively, emotionally disturbed teenagers.)

I love what I do, and I'm very good at it. I even mentor my students after school. It gives me great personal satisfaction. It also helps heal my childhood psychic pain.

I think I finally got tired of being drunk, more than I enjoyed helping others. I'm not sure, I'm 7 days AF. But I feel very calm and clear, and I just know it was time to stop abusing alcohol.

I'm tired. I decided to quit. It just made sense. There's no where else to go but down. I'm admitting defeat in being able to drink and work and live happily. I give up. I give up drinking (for awhile, at least.)

And now I'm feeling better.

Peace and love to you, Anni

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

I think many of us don't know how to be selfish in the postive way of taking care of ourselves first, which is part of the dynamic of drinking. Whether you (I mean you in the generic sense here, not you personally!) are aware of the angry feelings or not, there is often a feeling of not feeling entitled to look after your own needs first, or at least put them right up top there for consideration. There is often too much to do, and we are stretch too thin. There is resentment and anger and guilt that we can't do it all. So we drink.

I know that I've had that problem for a long time, and I've been working on it for a while. There will always be more pressing problems, it seems, than making time for ourselves. Yet somehow, the people who are the most fulfilled that I know, who are also very busy, are the ones who do make time for themselves, even if something else does get left undone. They make an hour or so each day a priority on their to-do list. I am looking at them and trying to emulate them, because they obviously know something I don't.

I don't know whether this helps, specifically, but I just wanted to offer my thoughts and say that I understand the problem. It is stepping outside of most of our comfort zones to say, "hey I need time to listen to my cd's" or "I need time to take this walk". But we have to learn to do it. Maybe, it will even get comfortable one of these days! Like they say in AA, "Fake it 'til you make it!" They do have some good sayings in AA!

Hugs,
Kathy

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Kristin,
I can relate to that in a lot of ways as well. I dont have children with special needs, but having a wide age span between mine ---- they range in age from 19 to 8, I was/ am always running somebody somewhere, running my own business, trying to keep up the "perfectionist" idea I required of myself in my mind.... house has to be clean all the time, homecooked meals on the table by 6 p.m., light the candle, do homework, finish MY work that I didnt get to finish that day b/c of all the other plates I was juggling as well.

So drinking at night when things finally STOPPED was the only way I felt I could relax. But as you say... it was never just one. But I would have to do the same routine the next day because I couldnt afford to get behind... so many days I murked my way through the day with a pounding headache and would hate myself for overdoing it. So I understand.... I think in many ways I drank because it was the only thing that would make me "stop" and slow down and turn my brain out of the "what do I have to do next...load of laundry, this that or the other." And it was also my "reward" at the end of the day... my something special for me to look forward to. So I guess in some ways it is selfish. I dont know... I have wondered about the same question as you. All I know is I feel guilty for the days I wasnt 100% there by my own choice to drink, when I could have chosen not too and been a better person the next day for my family.

I am so much more productive with moderating and this program, so I am very grateful for that! Just my thoughts...

Allie

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Hi Kristen,

I really believe that while we are stumbling around in a permanent alcoholic fog, we lose sight of what "our" needs actually are. Once we've attended to the needs of others, we're never clear-headed enough to get to the core of "us". Any rational thought is instantly truncated by "oh, what the heck - I don't know what's wrong with me - I'll just have a drink instead!"

After 4 months of drastic moderation, I've managed to unearth and identify what was missing in my life. It took a lot of quiet, introspective, thinking time. I've done a lot of walking.

I feel that without the hideous never-ending supply of booze coursing through my system I can now start to "be selfish" - to ask for, and insist on ... things for ME. Meeting my needs will not detract from what I give to others but I actually think, for the first time in years, that I can see clearly now.

Now, there's a good title for a song!

Tawny

PS Ego is not a dirty word

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

That really makes since Tawny!

I admire people though who can go to school work full time and oh yah take care of a family! makes me feel lazy.

I just work full time and help my mother, who is more like a roommate, I mean she's not elderly or sick she is at that age where she is slowing down. And I take care of my cats and avoid my ex. Man I need to get a life !! Or a hobbie.:rollin

Anyway I hope my posts don't make me sound selfish or self absorbed. Some times when I drink it's because I'm feeling sorry for myself, selfish hmmmmm?! maybe?

kitkat

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Kristen--There are so many good thoughts here that I totally agree with so I won't take time to repeat them...but perhaps I can add something and it's this: you can't really and truly give of yourself unless you have a self to give... And having a "self" means making time for that self to grow, nurturing that self...otherwise, in some sense, we are actually withholding our authentic self--and that's the most selfish thing of all...

I wonder if it might work for you to take yourself as seriously as anyone else in your life who needs help? Perhaps make an appointment with Kristen--and keep it!--just as you would honor any other committment... set aside an hour in which you do something for your self...read, listen to music, get a massage...whatever helps to renew you so that you can REALLY be there for others by being there for yourself! Paradoxically, taking care of our "selves" is actually the complete opposite of being selfish because it allows us to be more THERE for other people...

Hope this makes sense...your post provoked a lot of thoughts and I am just trying to sort them out...

best, susan

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Oh my, oh my... I truly feel as if I have found "home."
I can not express my appreciation for the time ya'll took not just to read, but to give your thoughts.

I have learned so very much in these last 48 hours. I thank you all from the bottom of my soul.
I can honestly say, I am able to take something from what each of you have said! I am forever grateful.

Someday, I hope...no...I WILL BE ABLE... to give to all of ya'll and even more of "us" out there what ya'll have given me.

Thank you!
Truthfully, I am at a loss for words!! (Now there's a first for Kristen!!!)

To do for ourselves may seem selfish on the surface...however, "doing for ourselves" makes us better people & even more capable to do and give to others in a stronger and healthier way. ~How Profound~
Thank you.

Peace and Love,
Kristen

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

"May I know that I will never be any poorer for giving of myself to others".......(I like the idea of having more of myself to offer though!)

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

well said Jude

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Jude, that one's going on my mirror to see every morn!
Thank you!
Oh, by the way.....I agree!!!! Ha~!
K~

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

perhaps in this instance we shouldn't improve the quote with the suffix ...."in bed".

Or should we?

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Oh,:rolleyes but there's always room for improvement! Otherwise,...we'd be up yonder... Doncha think? ...Still waitin on my wings...

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

Kristen:

You know how in airplane safety demos the oxygen masks drop and the parent is instructed to put hers on before helping the child? There's a reason for that.....

And it sounds like it's your turn to be taken care of for a while. Is there anyone around you that you can lean on for a bit?

Andrew

[Guest]

How to be/or not to be selfish...that is the question!

hi kristen, i hope you dont mind me throwing in my pennys worth. like you i get to the end of the day and my reward is a drink...i use it to shut down. also like you i have been putting it off for months now, admitting to myself i have a problem about 4 months ago was the first step, ive struggled with will power, i cant do moderation and there is no way in hell id go to AA. so when i stumbled upon this site i almost cried with joy! like andrew says, there is a reason the safety drill says the parent should mask up first, your children need you kristen, and you can't help if you're drowning in booze can you? id started to hide my drinking from my children, making myself wait until theyd gone to bed, but i was getting more and more ratty with them for stopping me drinking...that's when i realised i had a real problem...if you have time to sit and drink then you have time to listen to the cds, if you have time to swallow the drink you have time to pop a topa, just remember all those poxy l'oreal adverts....'because YOU'RE worth it'
xxxx
clare