There's no hell like home...

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

Oh good heavens ya'll.
Fsophiah - good point - treat the depression first. But it pretty much all rolls into one big mess. If I weren't depressed I could be firm, if he were gone I wouldn't be depressed (because I'd be able to stay sober).
I did come home from vacation and drink last night. Didn't know what else to do.

I don't have any family, not much in the way of friends either. I just can't call the cops and do that crap. If I tell him I'm so miserable that I'm wishing I was dead he'd believe he must stay to save me from myself.

His kids are here for the weekend (every weekend). Tomorrow I"ll talk to him again. I'll tell him he must get out. You all are exactly right - he knows I'm such a softy that I will (I have) put up with him staying if he whines about anything. And he does expect that I'll jsut give up and let him stay. Which has happened before.
I think he is getting a clue that this time is different. While I was gone for vacation he called several times, he was missing me and lonely (and drunk), I avoided the calls for the most part, or cut him short. I came home and he apparently was expecting hugs and kisses which he didn't get.
I forgot that not only is he going to be leaving my house (I rent it, I'm on the lease, he moved in after) to live who knows where but surely not as nice as here (he had been living on boats the prior 20 years), but also, I guess he also cares about me and is getting hurt.

I will make this happen. It has been so long since I made up my mind. I am so weary of hating being in my own home. I am so anxious to be able to get sober and stay that way - with no booze in my house whatsoever.

[trixietrack]

There's no hell like home...

fsophiah;174460 wrote: To sum up, here are your instructions from your MWO friends:
1. Treat your depression. You won't be capable of completing any of these steps if you are depressed.
2. See a lawyer. You need to know what your rights are.
3. When you are ready to do the deed, you'll feel armed. No one ever went into battle without the strategy clear and lots of ammunition.

Dear Ima
If you are depressed, it's quite hard to stand for yourself and tell this guy to get the H!!!!@##@ out!
I would suggest talking to the police about what steps to take to get him out. If he is abusive (verbally or physically) the police can help. I think you mentioned in a previous thread that he was not nice to your daughter this could help in getting him out.

Please take care of you first. Taking the supplements is really helpful. I have only had thoughts of suicide once since I started coming here and getting advice and taking care of myself.
I think you are very capable of making yourself and your daughter a nice happy place.
don't let this guy mess it all up fo you.
:l

[lucky 2.0]

There's no hell like home...

There are all kinds of crazy tenant rights where the tenant, even if a boyfriend not paying rent, has more rights than the home owner. Had a family member in this situation and she had to get a temporary restraining order served to him. He had a few minutes with the cops present to get his toothbrush, clothes, etc and then he had to leave. After 30 days the restraining order had to be made permanent in front of a judge. During the 30 days, she had the locks changed and he was breaking in often. The cops could not do anything because he still had items in the house and it appeared he still lived there. It was a friggin mess and totally insane. His name was not on the title of the house and none of the utilities were in his name. This is in CA. Maybe it is different where you live but I strongly suggest getting the legal system involved for the restraining order AND eviction. They are 2 separate processes. You need a paper trail with the cops for sure.


Good luck!

[YoungAtHeart]

There's no hell like home...

Hi Ima,

It's so hard to watch you struggling. I want you to do something. I want you to be really honest with yourself and think about whether there may be HIDDEN benefits to you if he stays there. Or maybe there are some fears that you aren't completely conscious of. This will be difficult, because you are so clear on why he shouldn't be there. Sometimes there are things we don't want to admit to ourseslves though. You may want to punch me for suggesting this, but sometimes when people feel stuck, there is something hidden that is keeping them in that stuck place, and it isn't always that they're such a softie.

I'll take the chance on your wanting to punch me. I'm wishing you the best. I was in your place 10 years ago of feeling intermittently suicidal, but with no real plan and a young daughter. I feel for you.

:l Imatree :l

Love,:h
Kathy

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

Oh Kathy, I don't want to punch you... I wish you were here so you could hold me while I cry.
He is the only friend/family person I have in my life.

[YoungAtHeart]

There's no hell like home...

Oh, sweetie, I understand. It was like that when I got divorced. I felt sooo alone. My family was far away, and my best friend had just fallen in love and had no time for me! It was horrible. You WILL be okay. I will be here for you, and so will everyone else. We'll be your cyber family. Please feel free to PM me anytime, Ima.

Love,
Kathy



PS: I wish I could hold you too. I'd be crying with you. Life hurts sometimes, doesn't it???:upset:

[magic]

There's no hell like home...

Hey Ima

I hope you had a good cry, sweetpea, and feel a bit better.

You have yourself and you have your daughter. Your daughter, precious one.

And once you are able to get control of the alcohol and depression a whole new world will open up and new people will enter your life.

I am so sad for you but also happy, happy because you can see what you need to do.

More hugs, strength and much courage.

magic xxx:heart:

[Beaches]

There's no hell like home...

Ima,
Be strong and stand tall and I know that is so hard when you are feeling depressed. However through your depression you do sound motivated to get him out. I agree that to be sure he's gone get the legal system involved so that you and your daughter can start a fresh new life together, free of all this stress.
Hugs!

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

imatree;174536 wrote: Oh Kathy, I don't want to punch you... I wish you were here so you could hold me while I cry.
He is the only friend/family person I have in my life.

There's more....
M and I were high school sweethearts. First love, first lovers, all that. 24 years ago. Before he came along, when I was 17, I had been pretty much ignored or ridiculed by most people my entire life. I cried every day through my teens, life at home was hell, abuse of all sorts all my life. Then comes M - and he was completely smitten with me, romanced me, wrote me poems, gave me roses every day, made me feel special for the first time ever.

We had quite a romance. Got back together a few times in the early years after highschool, never lasted long, and went our seperate ways for years. I was always in love with him though. Dreamt of him always. Compared every lover to him. Always believed nobody could love me the way M did, nobody could know me the way he did. And I was always deeply grateful to him for pulling me out of my shell, making me feel right and good about myself for the first time in my life, back when I was 17.

Twelve years ago, when I had finally gotten over him, we renewed our friendship. His wife and I became good friends, I became close to their first child and witnessed the birth of their second. I got married and had my own child during these years.

When our kids were very young we had a major falling out and I didn't care to speak to him for years. I had seen a darker side to him, and I had realized the extent of his drinking problem and that when he drank he was an angry man.
Meanwhile, we both had ended our marriages.

Late last summer I ran into him. (I have to admit - at the time I was still hurting from the end of a relationship in which I had been engaged.) He had done a lot of healing and growing, I could see it in his eyes. I was instantly attracted all over again, and it was mutual. Didn't take long for us to become lovers again. Head over heels crazy in love. I was so sure it was fate, destiny, that M and I were to spend the rest of our days together. And I honestly believed we could defy all the odds and conquer our drinking together, and live happily ever after........

And here we are today, about a year later.

This isn't just some guy I met in a bar. I can't just call the cops on him. He is the best friend I have ever had and the only family I have. I am his best friend. And he is sick with alcoholism just like the rest of us.

No, I don't want to live with him and I desperately want him out of my house. But I'm not going to screw him over either.

Kathy, this is the long-winded answer to your question. There is a whole lot I'm hanging on to I suppose. And also, probably the hardest part, is it is so hard to hurt him.

[Guest]

There's no hell like home...

Thanks imatree for letting us understand this better.
Guess your relationship goes very deep............don`t really know what to say.
I feel for you, because it looks like part of you does still want him, only you want the sober him...........

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[diamond]

There's no hell like home...

Could you sit down and explain to him that unless you both get sober there is NO chance and he has to move out and go to rehab and after that (where you will have freedom to be sober the whole time he is in rehab) you could both re-consider your relationship options?

I don't know but maybe worth a try?

Good luck, I know tis hard
Diamond x

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

Diamond, when we reunited last year I was on the brink of getting sober, and told him then and have been saying ever since if there's drinking the relationship is not going to last. He has made and broken lots and lots of promises.

And truthfully, I don't think I want him - drunk or sober. The point of the story I told is to explain the depth of the bond between us, why this is so hard.

I had a good talk with his ex-wife this afternoon. We used to be very close. She can completely relate, and gave me good advice for how to manage him and get him out. And it was good to talk to someone who is so intimately familiar with the nuances of his personality...

thanks everyone...

[diamond]

There's no hell like home...

I am glad you are getting there, at least she is around to talk to and knows him too.

Good Luck,

Diamond x

[YoungAtHeart]

There's no hell like home...

Good for you, Ima; it sounds like, bit by bit, you are getting yourself together to do what you know you have to. I know it hurts. I'm so glad that you have the input of his ex-wife; it sounds like she has so much helpful information.

I understand your story so much.
Much love,:heart:
Kathy

[Change]

There's no hell like home...

hart;174514 wrote: (((IMA)))
You tell your ex that. You say you can't stay here because the situation is making me so miserable I am thinking suicidal thoughts.

I don't think you should tell him about your suicidal thoughts. As you said in your post, he will take it as a sign that he needs to stay there and look after you. Also, i would not show him any weaknesses. Now is the time that you need to be strong. You have made up your mind, now all you have to do is act on it. You did well with the phone calls. Do it NOW!