There's no hell like home...

[SKendall]

There's no hell like home...

Ima, I was worried about you when you came off the meds to quickly. Since it's clear you have been sufferering from depression, maybe you should continue them, if you can't get any more pm me. I have about a 7 day stockpile I would be glad to send you.

This relationship made such a significant effect on your young life I can understand why it's not easy to brush off, he entered your psyche in many ways, rescuer, lover, admirer, etc.

The anti-depressants have a withdrawl timetable of their own and many of the symptoms you are mentioning are symptoms of withdrawl. Please get some medical help so you are more able to cope with this.

You are wrong about not having friends, you have many and we are here for you.

Love Hilary:h :l

If not, I'll be driving down there to help you. Seriously.

[adagirl]

There's no hell like home...

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

This is what I've told myself before when I've felt like life had just gotten too hard. No matter how hard your current situation is, there is a way out. Have faith in that. The fact that he has made you feel so bad that you fantasize about ending your life (even though I know you said you wouldn't actually do it) just means that you have to make it your top priority to get him out of your life. The best thing about feeling this low is you've got nothing to lose at this point. However hard it is to get rid of him can't be harder than what you are feeling right now. You've just got to do whatever it takes and get him out or leave yourself (if that is an option - if you don't own the home you are living in together right now). Even if your name is on the lease and it could screw up your credit, it might be worth it to just leave and move somewhere where he won't even know where you are. Best of luck to you! I have a feeling you will be rid of him soon and life will be so much happier for you.

[louise]

There's no hell like home...

Ima, I don't know what to add that hasn't already been said, but I was glad to read that while you were on vacation you felt good and did not drink. I hope somehow you can hang on to that feeling to help you through.

[Guest]

There's no hell like home...

Imatree,
Seems like you`re certain you want to be free of him, and I can understand that at different times in your life he has been all things to you, and that he`s given you so much comfort when you sometimes needed it most ,that you feel you can`t hurt him.

However, to labour over the parting is hurting yourself and your daughter, because even if you try to hide how distressed you are, she`ll still get vibes that Mum is upset or "not quite herself".

It`s the hardest thing in the world to leave someone when you really believed you would be "together forever"............trust me, I know only too well............

But, when you know it`s never going to work, it really is best all round to end it sooner, rather than later.

In a nutshell, the order of priority has to be your daughter first, yourself second, and your boyfriend third.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

All my love,

Starlight Impress x

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

Hilary, I know that I have re-entered official 'depression' mode since going off the meds. After a life of an abusive alcoholic household as a kid, string of bad relationships entire adulthood, I'm well acquainted with depression. But since going off them I've also come to see with clear eyes the predicament I'm in, and the life I have set up for my daughter. Depression isn't always a bad thing, if it motivates one to make change.

And I'm doing that. I didn't really know when I began this thread that I'd be using this space as a conduit for momentuum to do what I need to do. But you gals have got me going. Thank you so much. I wish I could respond to each of you individually.

Do you mind if I just chronicle the goings on?
Tonight M began to ramble, once he got a good buzz on, while I was quite sober, about this dream of his, his new plan to change the world. The sort of stuff that used to amaze me about him. Now, after this past year of being lied to, of broken promises, of seeing how deluded he is about his self and his issues and his place, of having my feelings manipulated, etc etc etc, I was only disgusted. I merely listened. Then he got to asking for my support of him while he pursue this grand dream. I said - I can't support you anymore, in any way. And walked away. I went to my daughter and snuggled up with her on the couch.

After I didn't come to him when he called he came to me with some nasty manipulation crap. You know - after I wrote that stuff earlier about our past, I thought, oh, I forgot to add that he is the only person who knows just how the hurts of my past have affected me... the sexual and emotional abuse of my childhood, my brother's suicide, etc. Yeah, well, here tonight he pulls shit that shows that he can use that knowledge to manipulate me. Which cut the f**king ties. He says, (lets pretend my dead brother's name is Steve), "All Steve needed was for someone to listen to his dreams, to listen to him.." (I said, "did you listen to me when I said I wanted you to move out??") He went on... "If only Steve had a place to simply be, to be with his dreams, to make them come true..." And then I got it, that he was working me, the asshole, how dare he. So I said, "Go find your own place to be."

He said "I never thought you could be so cruel sue". whatever.

Okay, maybe not as tough and direct as you all would have liked to see, but for me it's pretty good. And my daughter was present, and he was drunk, so I was not about to get into it with him.

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

Starlight - we posted at the same time... thanks. You know, I do remember that we began this together. I love you for this.... I hope you know and believe that.

[magic]

There's no hell like home...

Ima

You're making me smile.

magic xx :heart:

[AMELIA]

There's no hell like home...

Hey Ima, your 'man' sounds like a master at manipulation.

People change. Sounds like you both have - and you have both gone in opposite directions.

I know you have history together and reading about your early years, I wished someone like him could have come along and whisked me out of my goofiness (well someone like him did, but he was gay, so not quite the same). But those ties laid early in our lives,....our 'best friends' are sometimes difficult to move on from and painful to move on from.....because we idealise them and hope that everything will ALWAYS be perfect.
Your body (and mind) are giving you real live indicators that you no longer want him around. You can go away for a weekend and not think about drinking or smoking, but thinking about being back in a house with him and you want to drink again???
We all know, you know what is going on. You will probably have a better relationship with him as a friend anyway - at arms length.

Wishing you the best.
xx

[YoungAtHeart]

There's no hell like home...

Wow, Ima, your last long post there was quite an indication of how low this guy will go to manipulate you and how little he really thinks about your needs. He has quite a bit of narcissism and grandiosity there, and when you don't cooperate, he has no problem stepping on you and squashing you down to get you back in line. Wow. This IS NOT the guy you knew at 17. You did great in how you responded to him. I'm glad you saw what was going on when it was happening!

I'm glad that you are using this thread to think out loud and process all of this. It's wonderful to see you doing this work. Sorry it's so painful. Keep up the good work! Smooches!

Hugs,:l :l :l :l
Kathy

You were right not to get into it in front of your daughter. Later, Right? :-)

[imatree]

There's no hell like home...

You nailed it Kathy - 'grandiosity'. Exactly.
It reminds me that probably the greatest lesson I learned in life was to realize that Who I am is not just the sum of my dreams and aspirations and grand visions, but also and moreso perhaps the sum of my actions, particularly my everyday interactions with other people. He doesn't get that. He thinks he can just shit on others as long as in his mind his motives are grand and noble.

He is very angry today. Left early this morning. I'm still home for a couple days before getting back to work. I'm going to superclean the house. We've exchanged a couple heated emails - and I've made myself very clear - he is to get OUT.

[happycamper68]

There's no hell like home...

Wow Imatree,
What terrible things he said to you- he sounds truly sick. I am glad you finally see it and that you were the bigger person. You need to pack his bags if he won't, and call the cops if necessary. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I read your thoughts about suicide, and I have to admit I think about it quite frequently in a fleeting sort of way. I feel extremely trapped in a situation that has no real resolution. I am talking about my daughter who is autistic and am having some problems with my marriage, i cannot get a stable job and my husband works long hours and I feel like a single parent most of the time to a child that has special needs. The constant worry, the fear for her future is all consuming despite all her great progress (she can count from 1-10 and is in the middle of a vocabulary explosion and I am just so proud of her).

But I woke up this morning after another night of drinking too much and I had written a phone number on a post-it note that was on the desk that my computer is on. I don't remember doing it. I googled it and it was a suicide prevention hotline. I went on my Vonage account online and I HAD called the number at 2:30 a.m. but was only on the phone for 1 minute which means I probably hung up on them. I also called another number and googled that one too and it came up unpublished and I have no idea who that other person is- I am afraid to call it because I was on for 6 minutes. I know it is not a friend because I do not recognize the number at all. It's all sorts of scary and I am afraid the phone is going to ring and it is going to be that number!

So I actually went through the trouble of finding this hotline number and all in the middle of a suicidal blackout haze while my husband and child were sleeping. I wasn't suicidal yesterday when I was sober, but something triggered it when I was drunk. I was obviously thinking too much about my kid and must have been very upset but I remember none of it. I am glad that at least I did not harm myself and that I did call a prevention line, so I really did not want to do it, but what if I had? I have no recollection of any of it so now I am afraid of myself. :upset:

[lightpost]

There's no hell like home...

Either call the cops or stop blaming him for your weakness. Seriously, it's like saying we're all prisoners because somebody else can be responsible for us. The real question is, will you stop blaming him for your addiction or will you use him for your spiritual scapegoat? Is he the kind of person who would be there for you? Have you brought him aboard for this forum? But most importantly is the question of love. What seperates this from something like A.A. is that your the one who creates the situation.

[hart]

There's no hell like home...

With all respect, I don't much like the tone you took Lightpost. If you have never been in a relationship where u luved someone and decided to break it off, felt guilty about breaking it off, even though you knew it was the right thing, you can't understand where IMATREE is coming from.

I have been in that situation. I'm not saying she doesn't need to take action, I just don't feel the tone of your post was very supportive.

[magic]

There's no hell like home...

Hmm,

Lightpost, I have no idea what you are trying to say but I doubt if it's helpful.

Happycamper, I am afraid for you as well. Others who know you will be able to help you better than I but you are in my thoughts. It must seem as thought you are in a "no way out situation" but there is a way out, trust me, it will just be a long, rough ride.

Ima, I am, of course thinking about you as well. Take the high road and show him the door. You deserve so much more.

magic xxx :schmokin:

[soccermom]

There's no hell like home...

Ima--you are being incredibly strong keeping with your original plan to GET HIM OUT! To people that have never been in such a manipulating relationship it may seem easier than it is.

I certainly don't see you blaming him for your weaknesses as was pointed out. I only see that you have come to the point where he is not going to be a continued source of pain in your life.

I'm proud of you for the steps you have taken. Keep going!!

Camper---hugs to you too.