Living with a drinker...

[Deilight]

My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years now and we live together. Both her and I have problems with alcohol and I fear this may be thwarting my efforts. It's so difficult to try and stop when you live with someone who is so obviously not interested in stopping. She drinks a beer or 2 everyday (fine with me) but on weekends (or long weekends like the one just passed) she over-indulges and like most people who over- indulge was a complete arse. We had a huge fight and I almost left her. I love my home and I love her, I just feel very insecure about our relationship because of the damage alcohol is doing to it. Don't get me wrong, she is supportive of me in many ways and I too have been a terrible drunk but I want to change it

In my years of addiction (to both alcohol and drugs-managed to get a handle on the drugs) I have learnt that there is no "stopping together" and no forcing someone to stop if they don't WANT to. What do I do? I don't want this relationship to end but will it only continue with alcohol involved?

[Arial]

Living with a drinker...

Hi Deilight,

A difficult situation and as I'm on my own I'm afraid I can't give you any input from first hand experience. There are several people here who have been/are going through the same sort of thing so I'm sure you'll get their words of advice shortly.

I would just say that you are going to go through many changes over the next months as you take control of your drinking. I think as you change, so too will your attitude to things that before were an accepted part of your life. It's hard when you change but things around you don't and its definitely a time or reflection and re-evaluation. Maybe talking to your girlfriend and explaining your feelings and your hopes for the future might be a start - don't forget if you've had many years of this drinking routine, she may find your change quite difficult and even threatening to cope with - she's losing a drinking buddy and a commonality that you had - You're right, you can't tell anyone to stop as it has to come from them, but if you're honest and open and excited about a future without alcohol, maybe she'd be inspired enough to come along for the ride??? If not, then you will be faced with choices as to what you think is best for you, your life and your future. The wonderful thing about not drinking is that your future belongs to you - you can do with it what you will, not see it slipping away through some drink-sodden haze!

I wish you luck and admire your strength of making this change with obvious temptations always at hand.
Take care,

[diamond]

Living with a drinker...

I don't think I could have said it better Arial.
Most people here do know that I have had problems with my husband recently since getting 'sober'.

I feel that these problems started with the fact that he has been 'in charge' since we married due to my drinking, I conceded a lot to him because I knew I wasn't in a fit state to make valid judgements when drunk, drinking, or hungover !
Or I just gave in and went with the flow, arguing all the way down river of course, but not making enough sense to be taken notice of !!
Of course I used to argue with him about the decisions etc as anyone who has a drink probably would.

BUT now I am sober and reasserting myself as an intelligent person he is in a quandary, he is losing his role as the dominant decision maker, this is very difficult after 14 years.

Now in your case as I see it, obviously I don't know you, but you getting sober will affect your relationship a lot, either she will keep wanting you to drink, for various reasons both for her own happiness or from fear OR you will be tempted to drink and then feel guilty. None of these reasons are a solid foundation for a relationship, I would hate to see you here in another 10 years going through what I am going through with kids in tow... getting sober is THE only option.

Definitely if you can talk, talk, talk and explain what you can to her, a big problem most relationships have is lack of communication (I do know). She may be scared she will lose you if you are sober, I remember Determinatrix saying in a post that she was scared she would lose Determinator when he got sober....

Is it possible to either ask her to see this site? or ask her to come with you for alcohol advice and she can then see her own intake is excessive?
It is easy for me to suggest these things but in reality it is not easy......

I do wish you the best in this situation, sorry for rambling and I may have missed some points, but you can get the gist of it - memory is shot to pieces now !! LOL

Regards

Diamond x

[CAPRICORN1]

Living with a drinker...

Deilight, I am so glad you posted this for i am at a loss of words to write down what i am going through in my relationship lately. I also cannot advise but share what is happening to me.

I am starting to feel very good about myself again and for the first time in a long time am looking forward to the future. However, i look at my boyfriend now sometimes and don't see him in it with me...but i don't want to quit without trying to work it out...make sense?

Diamond, hit it on...he is used to me being drunk and he was the one to be in control...now i am more confident and more whole. It's a lot for a man to get used to and men do not like change as is!

Relashionships are very hard...I am getting angry and critical of every move he makes and i am picking fights with him...I don't like the way this makes me feel...

I hope someone can shed some more light on this delicate subject

cap(mary):h :h

[happycamper68]

Living with a drinker...

Deilight,

My hubby and I both have drinking problems, but he's only just come to realize this over the last few weeks. He is on Day 7 of AF (he was having a rough time too) with me but works in a wine store which makes it very hard for him. He is a wine specialist and went to school for this. He is interviewing for a different job on Friday that is still in the wine business (he would be a buyer) but he wouldn't be surrounded by boozers all day. After getting to day 7 he said he feels pretty good, he has already lost some weight and won't look like crap on this interview.

I am not sure what is in store for us because basically our entire relationship has involved drinking together and with our friends (most people are drunk their first 6 months of dating anyway) and he was always one to bring a bottle of wine over for dinner which was something I had never done with prior boyfriends. It has snowballed since 1998. We went from sharing a half a bottle of wine to sharing 3 or 4. We also have a daughter who is autistic and has added extra stress to our lives, on top of financial issues because I keep getting laid off from lucrative jobs and it is hard to find a job now that is family-friendly given our situation with our daughter. His job at the wine store has long hours and I resent being alone all the time to deal with all of this. We've had over a year of hell.

I think once we've gotten further into abs we'll get to see if we really even like each other! I've had issues with him for years (he's not a take charge type of person AT ALL) but I have also been a bitch because I am a control freak and get awful when I drink or am hungover. He can't do anything right in my eyes so he gives up. I am hoping I will lighten up and he will start taking some initiative, which he has already done by going for this other job. I know he is dedicated to saving this marriage and I think he feels sort of responsible for letting it get this far because he brought booze into my home when I was never a home drinker before and continued to do it when he knew I was out of control. I let him do it though. He introduced me to wine and it became my very best friend.

Can't say what tomorrow will bring, but if he weren't on board we'd be splitting I am sure. We're in for quite a road. I'd like to move and get out of the city and start over frankly but I know we'd just be taking the problems with us and then I'd have no one except him.

I do know though, that if you have to do it alone and watch someone drink in your face you are pretty much doomed. It would be like trying to quit smoking and having someone smoke in your face. We did wuit smoking together so i am hoping we can do this together too. i just wish everything didn't have to be so hard.

[imatree]

Living with a drinker...

Whew. Um... where to begin. I was asking the same questions a while back. Now I'm waiting for my bf to move out. I don't talk details about it on here anymore because he's been on this forum - but I do want to strongly encourage you to do what you must do FOR YOU. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done. Quitting drinking is hard as hell. Ending a relationship to be able to do it makes it all that much harder. But if that's the only way you can do it you must.

And of course perhaps your girlfriend will support you and join you in your quest to heal. Be open and honest, and always stand up for yourself. And don't let it drag out too long. I've made myself weary to the bone waiting a year for promises to be fulfilled...

[Deilight]

Living with a drinker...

Wow, thanks for all the responses!

Imatree, your reply made me sad and I hope my situation doesn't turn out like yours. You must be having a really hard time. By the sound of it, you made the right decision, a year IS a long time to wait for promises to be fulfilled.

Happycamper, good luck to you and your hubby, I hope everything goes forward in a positive way. It's difficult to work in an industry where you sell what you're addicted to! I'm going back to waitressing today (at least not a bartending job!)- I have to- I am VERY broke! Let us know what happens. (I'm sure you will)

"I am starting to feel very good about myself again and for the first time in a long time am looking forward to the future. However, i look at my boyfriend now sometimes and don't see him in it with me...but i don't want to quit without trying to work it out...make sense?"

Makes sense BIG time capricorn! Good luck and keep me posted.

Diamond- I have talked! Now it's action time, my partner went to a psychologist yesterday and drinking was on the agenda and she says they will be addressing it in her sessions. Now I wait and see I guess.

Arial. Thank you! Always one of the first to reply to my posts. You really are a lovely woman.