feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

[bassgirl]

I've found it easy to stay clean for three or four weeks at a time, but I keep stumbling and having one night where I'll drink a six pack and smoke a pack of cigarettes. It's when a certain emotion I can't name becomes too hard to resist.

I'm finding a pattern - it's a feeling I've always had, ever since I was a little girl. It's an antsy, insatiable feeling. Even before I smoked my first cigarette or had my first drink, I'd sometimes have this "feeling without a name." It's like a craving, but I'm not craving anything specific.

When I was drinking, it was so easy to turn this feeling off - just have a drink!

Obviously, that's not going to work any longer. But what is this feeling?

Am I insane? Am I the only one who's ever felt this way?

[Beaches]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Bassgirl, I have had the same feelings and for me it was anxiety. Having the first drink just calmed everything down. However the problem comes when you go way past that first drink and then those feelings (hangover, embarrassment etc) cause even more anxiety.

You are not insane, not by a long shot!

[Finding My Self]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Bassgirl - Oh yessss! I know that feeling well. From childhood too. I still don't really know what it is but after 90+ days of it without killing it with drink it hasn't grown bigger (smaller if anything!) and doesn't kill (in itself - the booze might), isn't half as frightening as I thought it would be and I am sticking with just feeling it as a sort of 'old friend' to see if I ever find out what it is about. This is OK.... and if I don't find out and it goes away, I'm happy for that too.... (something about loneliness for me which is really that sense of 'aloneness' that is something we humans all have to learn to deal with somewhere down the line! It's called 'existential angst' and just IS!!!)

But, no way are you alone or weird or anything and definitely not insane - just very, very human!

Good luck.....stick at it!
Love
x

[Flip]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

I too, know that feeling. For me, it is an inability to relax (is that anxiety?) I don't recognise it as anxiety, but I always feel like there is something I should be doing and I don't know what it is. these days (9 months sober) I can recognise it and do something calming or distracting - like coming here, or making myself read a book unitl I relax a bit. I used to drink to relax and forget, now I just find new ways of doing it.

[memarcie]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Good suggestion Flip -Try to find something calming to do. Read a book, go for a long walk, take a nice hot bath, cook or bake something you like.

[Kyna]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Bassgirl, I too relate. Just wanted to say I think it's terrific you're detecting a pattern - awareness! And also, that you're having three or four weeks off of drinking at a time. Would it be a feasible goal to tune into that feeling without drinking, at some point, and investigate what the nature of it is ... esp. important if it's something you've noted throughout your life?

Stay with it. I'm sure there's much to learn.

[Kyna]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Just wanted to add this, as it's pertinent to this thread:

"I hate having feelings. Why does sobriety have to come with feelings?"

A quote from Augusten Burroughs, writing about recovery, in his memoir 'Dry' ...

[Flip]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

yep, once you recognise it, or 'see' it, you can address it. make sure you write it down so that you can keep a record of what's happening and so you remember it if you don't have time to look at it at the time it happens. Often a lot of issues come up at once and while you are working on one, you cn forget the other.

Does that make sense?

[Flip]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Good quote, kyna, I have often said to my counsellor that I am tired of thinking and feeling, they make by brain hurt!

[Kyna]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Yep, you're right, writing the insights down is a good way of keeping track. I journal now more than ever.

[Change]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

Kyna;187138 wrote: Just wanted to add this, as it's pertinent to this thread:

"I hate having feelings. Why does sobriety have to come with feelings?"

A quote from Augusten Burroughs, writing about recovery, in his memoir 'Dry' ...

I loved that book.

[hart]

feeelings, whoa, whoa, whoa, feeelings

I hate this song, but to the top it goes