ugh. messed up

[me145]

Hello guys. I havent been doing good with the moderation. I havent been trying as hard as i should or could either though. Friday night i went out to the city and we planned on staying at a bar for two hours. I have this friend that i do not like. I see her about once a month, and its always a "ugh i hate having to meet up with her" All my other friends roll their eyes if they hear her name. Shes just this gossipy, loud, teacher. 26 years old. She thinks she is better than me because of stuff like this. the alcohol, the fact that i am just graduating college, etc. I am this extremely nice, people pleasing person, who is afraid to do whats best for myself and just ignore her calls. why why wny? i dont know. And i care so much what shes thinking of me, like because of friday, which im about to explain what happened. Anyway. so she invited me to go to the city because her friend was guest bartending for a charity event. I saw all these girls dancing on the bars, people lauphing and being drunk, and i said to myself, " why do i have to d othis, i want to drink and not worry about how much im drinking or how fast, etc" beacuse as ive said in previous posts, i only obtain the "happy", "euphoric", feeling from alcohol if im drinking at a decent pace, and not very slow. if i drink slow, i get sadder. its weird. but ok, so i didnt control it. i drank cranbery and vodka, and more cranberry and vodka. the bartendre gave me afree shot, and my bf had to finish off his tab and gave me a shot. i was having fun. however, i dont remember towards the end, or us leaving the bar. i have vivid memory of us in the cab ride. my bitch friend says something like " Colleen you have alcohol problems, you gotta do something about it!" ssaying it in a veyr nasty way, and at a very wrong time. ( when im drunk) i know she said it in a nasty mean way, because i was very upset and said to her bf who was right next to me, "your girlfriends a slut steve. she slept with everyone!" i dont remember the trainride home, but i remember going home and crying to my uncle, who drinks from the minute he wakes up till he goes to sleep. he was kicked out os my grandmpas house and now lives on our couch. ( hes 42-no license, and caddys as his job) i felt horrible when iwoke up. i felt bad for what i said to my friend about her being a slut, but more bad about embarassing myself and letting them see that i have alcohol problems. its so embarassing. my bf knows. im not embarassed about him seeing it. he drinks everyday also, but knows when to much is to much 99 percent of the time. However, his drinking everyday has made me worse. i used to go out twice maybe three times to bars a week. now its around me almost everyday. I feel so horrible. i just hate it. i hate this. you cant help but think its your fault. im depressed. im depressed to begin with, but definitely worse the day after drinking. u guys all understand, because you go through it or have gone through it. im like, so down on myself. but i know this has to be a disease. because why can others get drunk and just stop, vs me who drinks till i black out. i didnt feeel like going out last night, saturday, because of friday. when im exxremely hung over what i feel like doing is watching a movie and eating chinese food with my bf. but, my boss was throwing me a smlal party for levaing my job. so we went there and of course i had to drink because there was beer there. but i was fine. i was fine las tnight, and perfectly buzzed. and happy. my friends were there, and everything was great. i thought today about how thats how it should be. thats how i should get. buzzed. usually i am sad if im not drinking fast, but last night for some reason i was ok. i got a ride home from a friend at a decent time, because i thought there was going to be bbq today and wnated t ofeel good, but there wasnt. however, i am in jersey at my bfs parents house and am dreading it because of how much drinking has been going on, ( i feel like our chinese night) he wants to go to a labour day party at his cousins tonight. ya. so ill be drinking there. however im so tired from it all so im pretty sure i wont get drunk. it will be like last night where i was just tired and not in the mood to drink and get drunk. anyway, im writing a book. so after labour day, im gonna do it. im gonna do my month AF. im going to my doctor and going to take ANTABUSE. that is the only way it will work for me, i think. or at least i know for sure i wont. i also want to lose five pounds so theres another plus. im sure when i cut out the alcohol calories, that will happen as well. im very scared. how at 25 years old is this gonna work? my friends all go out on weekends, have parties. its not going to be fun on the weekend when i cant drink at these things. im scared guys. im so upset about friday night, but i keep trying to tell m;yself the girl is not worth it. im taking friends advice and not calling her back. do uguys not go out to social events with alcohol on your month off? im so sad right now, and i cant help but feel down on myself, even though our brains are different than non alcoholic brains, which is why we dont know when to stop.

[Accountable for Me]

ugh. messed up

You know.... you can do this! Don't let other's deter you from being who you are really are. Please believe me when I say you are so much better than the alcohol. You need to start thinking about it..... you deserve and are just as worthy as anyone else in this life. Start listening to your heart and start believing in yourself.

[me145]

ugh. messed up

Thanks so much accountable. I guess i have to think higher about myself. I have a question about antabuse. how do you guys get the prescription? just go to your regular MD?

[Accountable for Me]

ugh. messed up

I have never tried it but yes, go and see your doctor about it. He will prescribe it to you if he see's fit. Things can change so fast for you if you just give it a try. Hang in there OK.

[Flip]

ugh. messed up

Me, you are at the very first stage of saving your life sweetie. What I am hearing from you is that you come from a family that has a drinking history and you hang around with people who drink.

The first thing you have to do is decide what YOU want. This might take a while. Write stuff down, daydream! where do you want to be in a year? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years. write it down!

then, think about what you need to do to achieve it.

First step is to see your doctor. Decide what meds/supplements you want to take, or if you want to go cold tureky (not recommended). Get a shrink or counsellor that specialises in this problem. Log in here often.

Forgive yourself and look forward.

Acknowledge that you will have to make serious life changes. Embrace those changes.

Plan strategies for how you will cope in dangerous places or dangerous people who will sabotage your dreams.

Above all, be confident. It can be done. I'm living proof and there are many of us here to help and guide you if you want it.

[Java]

ugh. messed up

Hey, I am 24, and I understand where you are coming from. Going out really sucked for me when I went AF, at least until I learned a bit more. Found out the next day, the drinkers regret a lot, and the non drinkers are praised for not...you know. I have my share of bad nights too, and it will get better. I think going for a month will help, and you can get the meds from your doctor. Be careful about the doc thing though,some people have had issues having alcohol problems on their medical records...see if there is a way to get around having it in your file. Again, dont worry, just know what you need to do and do it. I have faith in you.

[me145]

ugh. messed up

All you guys are amzing with advice. Thank you when im needing it so bad!

[Chief]

ugh. messed up

Me145, do you work out? I'm older than you but the gym I belong to is at a university near my house and most of the people there are your age and quite a few do not drink because they have decided to live a healthy lifestyle and working out and eating right just does not go along with drinking. I've heard them say" why would I spend all this time nurturing my body only to go out and poison it at night?" Seems to me if you decided to live healthy and start working out it would give you "an excuse" not to drink with your friends, and you never know, some of your friends might join you.

[bear73]

ugh. messed up

I'm 34 but still leading that partying lifestyle, we can change, it's not easy but then neither is feeling as hungover as I do today and feeling anxious/down. Day 1 for me off the wagon, when I stopped last time I noticed one of my close friends who I think of as a party animal actually only drinks about 3 vodkas on a 'big night'.
For me I need to stop for 28 days and then will see what I do.
good luck

[Guest]

ugh. messed up

ME, first step is having desire the desire to quit and a plan and you have both. You can do this! Do not surround yourself with people that bring you down. If you are not happy in a friendship, end it. What you have said is ...you are never happy to see her. You feel inadequate in her presence...some times certain people are just not good for you to be around. You don't have to be her friend...your choice. take good care...I have taken antabuse. It works, but doesn't take away cravings...you may want a supplement to help with that.

[slightlysuze]

ugh. messed up

ME....sounds like two separate things to deal with there....firstly, if you can go AF for a while you'll be able to think things through more clearly, like who do you want as friends? and what sort of social things do you want to do?......and secondly, you may need a 'cover' for a period of AF if you don't want to tell your current friends what you're doing yet. A good one is to say you're trying to lose weight. Or that you are on a fitness regime.

When you get your head a bit clearer you're in a better position to start thinking about the deeper issues, like why you drink, why you drink too much, what the real pain is about etc.

Have faith in yourself, and in MWO......you can do it! :h