Hi - Imatree here. but I'm starting over on this journey , or maybe more accurate to say refreshing my motivation and determination to be free from the chains of booze, so I felt impelled to change my username. (Also had a need for increased anonymity... as a few of you might remember)
I joined on the MWO path in May, I believe, as Imatree. Since then I have gone through much - good stuff, also much difficulties. Best of all - in the past 3 months I have managed about 3 weeks worth of AF days. And when I do drink it usually is less than I had been this past year.
The greatest turmoil of this journey was to decide a couple months ago that I needed to end my relationship with my BF (who has been a much heavier drinker than me). Two months ago I asked him to move out. He's still here - he may have resources in a week or two to move. And quite ironically - he has been going to AA meetings and has been sober for 11 days now.
I am so very happy for him, and wish him continued success with his sobriety. I'm impressed and humbled by his efforts. And at the risk of sounding absolutely absurd (for all I wanted for so long was for him to quit drinking) his sudden sobriety has kind of messed me up in head and heart.
For one thing, I've suddenly and totally unexpectedly begun having what I call emotional flashbacks... (emotional states from way back rise up and overcome). When I was a teenager my abusive alcoholic parents went through a series of getting on the wagon and falling off. My childhood home was always bad, but those years were the worst. Largely, I suppose, due to having my hopes for peace obliterated everytime they relapsed. Also, with each relaspe, the emotional abuse in the house intensified, rising and rising til again they'd get sober for awhile. So anyway, with bf sober, the emotions of those years rose up ... for a couple days I was really quite a mess. Doing a little better now, but still much angst. He's leaving, so it's not about worrying about what is going to happen with us... but it does make me realize that I have some old shit I need to deal with.
And some petty stuff I'm ashamed to admit has come up since he quit drinking... like without the drink, he is not at all affectionate toward me. Even up to his last days of drinking he was very affectionate. So of course my self-pitying self thinks, "All that affection, all that time, it didn't come from his heart it came from the bottle". See, stupid.
Anyway - I've been an emotional wreck. And on and off drinking isn't helping. I am recommitting to being AF everyday.
I joined on the MWO path in May, I believe, as Imatree. Since then I have gone through much - good stuff, also much difficulties. Best of all - in the past 3 months I have managed about 3 weeks worth of AF days. And when I do drink it usually is less than I had been this past year.
The greatest turmoil of this journey was to decide a couple months ago that I needed to end my relationship with my BF (who has been a much heavier drinker than me). Two months ago I asked him to move out. He's still here - he may have resources in a week or two to move. And quite ironically - he has been going to AA meetings and has been sober for 11 days now.
I am so very happy for him, and wish him continued success with his sobriety. I'm impressed and humbled by his efforts. And at the risk of sounding absolutely absurd (for all I wanted for so long was for him to quit drinking) his sudden sobriety has kind of messed me up in head and heart.
For one thing, I've suddenly and totally unexpectedly begun having what I call emotional flashbacks... (emotional states from way back rise up and overcome). When I was a teenager my abusive alcoholic parents went through a series of getting on the wagon and falling off. My childhood home was always bad, but those years were the worst. Largely, I suppose, due to having my hopes for peace obliterated everytime they relapsed. Also, with each relaspe, the emotional abuse in the house intensified, rising and rising til again they'd get sober for awhile. So anyway, with bf sober, the emotions of those years rose up ... for a couple days I was really quite a mess. Doing a little better now, but still much angst. He's leaving, so it's not about worrying about what is going to happen with us... but it does make me realize that I have some old shit I need to deal with.
And some petty stuff I'm ashamed to admit has come up since he quit drinking... like without the drink, he is not at all affectionate toward me. Even up to his last days of drinking he was very affectionate. So of course my self-pitying self thinks, "All that affection, all that time, it didn't come from his heart it came from the bottle". See, stupid.
Anyway - I've been an emotional wreck. And on and off drinking isn't helping. I am recommitting to being AF everyday.
c: :heart:
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