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Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

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    #1

    Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

    I found my way back to this great site .. and now you can't shut me up! LOL. Thanks so much to everyone who responded to my other two Q's about withdrawal/seizures and about telling the doctor. My third is about telling your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, etc.

    Mine knows I drink every night (but he thinks it's 2-3 drinks, not the actual 5-6 that I have). I don't like lying to him at all, and this is really the only true, big "lie", and it's been going on for so long and gotten so out of hand (with hidden bottles; secret top-ups of my drinks; drinking during the days when he's away; drinking before work when he's not there). I'm so ashamed.

    I dug myself into this hole ... and I'd really like to dig myself out.

    So, I'd really rather not 'fess up about my lies .... and am hoping I can go with saying to DH something like, "I'd like to cut out the drinks at night and try to lose some of this weight" .... and leave it at that ... also without telling him about talking to the doctor about it, or any medication she may prescribe (I'm thinking she won't need to... or hoping anyway).

    Have any of you done it without telling your significant other? Or at least have kept all of the sick details of the lies, etc., to yourself?

    Thanks again. (Looks like I'm pretty needy today ... lol ... you guys are so great... much appreciated.)

    =(^..^)=
    AF for two years. Slight relapse. Working on it at the moment.
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    #2
    Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

    Hi Cat,
    It helps me tremendously to hea you struggling with the same issues I face. Like you, I worry about shocking/disappointing my DH & family the most. In my heart I know that keeping the sick lies inside goes along way in feeding the sickness, and the guilt that drives me to drink. My husband is very critical and judgemental, that's why I can't open up to him. Like you, I have a secret stash and I top up.
    Wow. I feel better now. I have never posted here before, this is a first for me. It's great to have a few trusted friends in the same boat. Thanks for being there.
    Kat

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      #3
      Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

      I am doing this solo for the most part. My husband is not the best support when it comes to drinking. He doesn't drink, he doesn't get why people do and he just gets annoyed. I told him a year ago about this site and occassionally he will throw things up in my face. He is not supportive.
      So I go it alone. Some days are better than others however I have come a long way since joining this site. It's an incredible support for me.

      Good luck in whatever you choose.

      Welcome to you too Kat, glad you decided to post.
      "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

      Comment

        #4
        Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

        Great to meet you Kat (love the name - heehee). I love this site so much. Hearing about everyone's story, good or bad, and how they've coped with this or that, what they do that works, or doesn't work, and all of that stuff .. is so helpful.

        It's a really great feeling knowing we're not alone in this. I mean, I know I still have a problem, but I don't feel like the freak I thought I was before I found this site. I remember the day I found it ... the amazing feeling of "hope".

        I'm still struggling, like you ... (hard, isn't it) ... but I have hope this time around.

        I also find that posting in others' threads helps me to feel less alone in the battle .. even if it's just a "congratulations" type of post. I guess we're all needy in some way!

        Really great to meet you ... and best of luck to you. Hope to hear lots from you!

        ~Catt
        AF for two years. Slight relapse. Working on it at the moment.

        Comment

          #5
          Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

          Cat - I recommend talking to him openly and honestly.
          I'm currently working with the book Healing the Addictive Mind. The author describes quite well what he calls the addictive-thought system that keeps us stuck in our addictive behaviors. Fear and guilt are huge factors in this. I would guess that if you do not tell him, you'll still have fear (of him finding out) and guilt (for not being honest). Then with these monsters swirling around in your head, your full healing may be hindered - even if you do manage to abstain.

          Hiding, in my opinion, is one of the biggest impediments to healing. Remember - we are not simply working to stop drinking, we are working to heal from an addiction.

          And besides, you are going to go through some major changes - emotional, mental and spiritual. You will likely have unexplained mood swings, physical changes, newfound elation, etc. You can't hide all that, and what would you want to? You will need his support more than you may know.
          FINALLY -- I'm a non-drinker!!

          Comment

            #6
            Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

            Thanks for sharing Beaches ... I think that's another reason why I don't want to completely confess to DH ... I'm not sure how he'll react. He can take a drink, or leave it. I partly think he'll be supportive, but he has been judgmental of others for other reasons, so I'm a little scared he could go that way with it too.

            Best wishes your way!

            ~Catt
            AF for two years. Slight relapse. Working on it at the moment.

            Comment

              #7
              Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

              MyOwn, you definitely hit a feeling of mine right on the head ... The guilt .. even if (when!) I stop this behaviour, there will always be those lies hiding in my head... and I'm not sure how that will effect everything.... it's a tough choice for sure. Thanks!

              ~Catt
              AF for two years. Slight relapse. Working on it at the moment.

              Comment

                #8
                Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                Hi glass Kat and welcome and congratulations on taking on this fight and best wishes!
                FINALLY -- I'm a non-drinker!!

                Comment

                  #9
                  Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                  Hi, Thanks for the warm welcome and advice. It great to be understood, and not "so all alone". Will work on getting up the nerve to come out of hiding w/ hubby. I am truly scared of having the truth thrown back at me whenever he's in the mood to feel superior, and controlling.

                  on another note, I'm needing some good responses to turning down a drink when it's offered. What works for you?

                  Kat

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                    #10
                    Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                    Cat ( oh I'm in disguise by the way ) I think u should tell him. I told mine... he'd guessed anyway, but there u go, an he has been nothin but supportive since. depends wot hes like tho. only u know that.wishin u the best whatever way u go xxxmax

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                      First of all, welcome glass kat, I hope you get as much out of this fantastic place as I have.

                      As to the issue of telling the sig. other or not... I kept it secret for years, even after talking to my doctor and a couple of shrinks about my problem. When I finally decided to detox, I had to explain to my DH what I was doing. It came kind of naturally, and, of course, he kind of suspected. He is also a quite critical type, but he was understanding and supported me wholeheartedly. I'm not sure when the "right" time to talk about it is, but it just felt right to me to finally come out with it. However, I wasn't ready to do it earlier, and I'm not sure he would have been earlier. So maybe try to go with a "gut" feeling?

                      I've written on here previously about my experience with "coming out" to my family. It was devastating and I recommend you think that one through real carefully. I have very strained relations with some of my closest family as a result and really regret telling them.

                      But telling the DH was a good move. He is my biggest supporter now.

                      Don't know if this helps.
                      Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

                      Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Adress, 2005

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                        Kat - lines for turning down a drink, if you have weight to lose you could say you are on a diet, but of course that would seem weird if you eat dessert after the meal. lol
                        (that's what's on my mind - I"m going to a dinner in a couple weeks with the owners of the company I work for, and they've seen me drink before, but I won't want to for this one, so I think I'll use the 'diet' line... but then I have to choose my dinner selections accordingly!)
                        FINALLY -- I'm a non-drinker!!

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                          best one is that you are on some kind of medication-- I say allergy. (and it's true, ha ha, tho it never stopped me before).
                          Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life... And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

                          Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Adress, 2005

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                            Hi cat,
                            I'm not ready to share this site with my hubby yet.
                            I'm a runner and into health and nutrition but sometimes I overdue it in the drinking department. I have really cut back since I joined MYO. My goal is AF.

                            My husband seems to think AA or any other treatment is for the weak minded. So you can see why I wasn't willing to share at this time.
                            I belong to another health website but I consider MYO my top health site and most important. That site is for nutrition.

                            I don't feel sneaky not sharing with my husband. This is my own thing to better my self. This would not surprise him at all because I am always trying to better my self and when I am ready to share with him I will share with him.

                            Hope I helped and welcome!

                            Happier

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Has anyone gotten help without telling their partner?

                              Hi Cat. Welcome!

                              I'm not sure of yoru age and I don't want to insult!..... but in case...I use the, "Just doesn't agree with me any more since the (peri) menopause..." It really was the case for my Mum (and I think me even if I did go on drinknig the stuff...?!?!) and as there are so many of us women that join here at about 45-50 I think it's a good enough reason! (And most blokes don't want the explanation to continue after the 'menopause' word!!!!!) (We do lose a huge ammount of the enzyme that deals with alcohol as we get older so..... )

                              Sorry if you're a lovely young 25 year old.....................um!!!! But even as 'woman' - just blame hormones!

                              Good luck to you big time!!!!

                              Looking forward to reading about your journey and sharing your news.

                              Love
                              Finding x
                              :heart: c: :heart:
                              "Be patient and gentle with yourself - the magic is in you."

                              Comment

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