Help Me Understand (If You Can)

[janka]

As many of you already know, i have had a difficult marriage and have been recently served with divorce papers from my AA-graduate, 20-year sober hubby tow hom i have been married for nearly 20 years. i have been AF for 7 days straight now, 20 out of the past 23 days, having been an on again, off again binge drinker for over the past 5 years, but most recently moreso.

Anyway, i am okay; however, and if possible, i would truly like someone to make sense of his position toward me, which is very punitive and inhuman almost. he told me that it (the pending divorce) was entirely a result of my alcoholic, fall down drunk (not really) behavior. He said I drink simply because I love beer, not out of depression, whatever. he could care less, does not want to hear my perspective on things and feels entirely justified in treating me with scorn and disdain. If the situation were reversed (it was some time ago), i could not have the heart to behave the way he has been ... it would be without conscience, inumane, just could not do it. How can he? Please advise and thank you, J

[PinkLady]

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Janka-
Hi! I can't understand this either --- especially since he didn't go for divorce right after you started binge drinking --- years ago, I guess, and he waits until now when you are getting control. What would make him change his mind now? Are you challenging him more since you are sober? Is he a weak guy?

Sorry, I can't be more help. It must be really frustrating for you. I am here if you need to talk.

Love Ya,
Lauren

[lushy]

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Sounds like he has dry drunk syndrome; not at all comfortable with his sobriety. I dated a dry drunk once and it was ugly. Went out for dinner, had a glass of wine before dinner and one with (this was before I had a real problem) and we had to spend the rest of the evening discussing about why it was that I ordered that second glass. Did I really need it? What did it stand for? Etc., etc. Needless to say I broke up with him and about five years later he wrote me a letter and apologized and admitted that he was very uncomfortable in his sobriety and had taken it out on me. After 20 years I would hope your husband would have more respect for you than what you have described. Hope it turns around!

[hart]

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Janka....

Sounds like he has issues, not having to do with your alcohol consumption one way or another. I don't know why hon. Sounds like he is looking for an excuse. R u sure he is not seeing someone else? Sorry If I am way out of line.:l

[Guest]

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Janka,
I hope I don`t upset you in any way by saying this, but perhaps any issues your hubby has with you are not the drink alone. I mean, he`s not even willing to discuss the situation.........surely anyone who even remotely hoped to save their marriage would be willing to sit down and try to calmly talk things through. He really should be willing to discuss all of this........he owes you that much.

Then again, if he`s as controlling and belittling of you as you say.........why on earth would you want to remain with him? Perhaps you`re afraid of being on your own post-divorce?.......just a thought.......you`ve been one half of a whole for so long that the thought of being on your own in the big wide world may seem overwhelming to you. Am currently single, but seldom lonely........better to be on your own, living life on your own terms than to be berated by any man or woman. Who knows, you may even find the single life quite liberating.......hey!!!.......can even be a whole lot of fun!! lol

Anyway, at the end of the day only you and hubby can decide. By all means fight to save the marriage........only if you think it`s worth saving. Failing that, save yourself and sanity and consider any impending divorce as more of an exciting new beginning than any sort of end.

Wishing you well at this trying time.

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[beatle]

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It seems like you know that your husband is abusing you. You don't seem to care for or respect him.

You have your reasons for wanting to keep the marriage, but the reasons you have divulged to us appear pretty flimsy. Of course, there is always so much more than you can write and explain. So we are all trying not to be judgemental.

Still, it seems you are crying out for support-- you want us to understand how mistreated you are (and we do). I think it's up to you to take charge here. Your problems with alcohol are a thing of the past (as our hypno friend has told us many-a-time)-- they have nothing to do with what is happening with you and your husband. Don't let him twist it that way.

You need to be strong, Janka, and do whatever you need to do to get to the place where you want to be.

[Breez]

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I agree with Lushy.

First thing I thought of after reading your post is he's taking out his sober frustrations out on you. Just like everyone's journey towards their goal is different, everyone's ways of handling the journey is too. You can't change him-that's just the way he is right now. Nothing you did. I sometimes feel that some AA people can get that higher than thou attitude after they have so many yrs. under their belt. Some are more than willing to help-remembering where they came from. Others feel that tough love & nothing more than full commitment from you will result in their friendship.

[magic]

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Hi Janka

This site might help.

It gave me a lot of good information and insight.

Welcome to Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse (Site)!

magic xx :l

[lucky 2.0]

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Janka,

I am sorry for your troubles and I think the AA mentality is the culprit here. AA is the most selfish organization on the planet and is a cult. Unfortunately, he got brainwashed. I am very sorry and wish yu godspeed going through the process.

[magic]

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WOW Lucky, those are harsh words.

m. xx

[janka]

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thanks everyone ... i tend to agree with Lucky ... he still hangs out with his AA sponsor, whi is his "best" friend .... anyway, we will see what happens here. i have been trying to see things from his perspective for a very long time and am very frustrated. i am well, still, and whatever happens, i will be fine. he appears to be simmering down today. i know i scared the shit out of him most recently. sorry for the same old story, hope you are all well, and thank you so very much, j


ps hart ... i thought about the girl thing, but he is terribly afraid of germs and people, so i doubt it

[propartychief]

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Magic,
I agree with Lucky been there done that!!
I thought it was terrible!
Just my opinion.

[nancy]

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I think that he is practicing tough love. Seeing you in a very bad light may also help him to stay sober. He can say he doesn't want to be like you and others who fall down drunk.

also, former alcoholics may be much more attuned to what people are drinking and maybe less forgiving of drunk episodes. If he did not have the history himself, he might still hate it but it would not be as personal. this problem is something he himself has had and beaten. So maybe he thinks you should too. I think former alcoholics might be less tolerant for some reason, like reformed smokers.

You have to try to keep your own sense of self-worth through all this. Yes, your drinking has caused problems but there are other issues in the marriage. If it's that bad, I have to wonder why you are not more open to divorce.

Have there been any good things in this marriage for the last 10 years? Having never been married myself, I sometimes wonder how and why people stay in unhappy unions for many many years.

[janka]

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hi nancy and ppc, and thanks and i think you are both right. of course, there have been good things between us too, but this is really the pits sometimes. i think he is really not okay, basically, even though he could be at times. he has been depressed for quite some time and won't acknowledge, except for my drinking. depression is contagious too, hence i began to drank some 5 years ago for many reasons including a difficult marriage i could not turnaround. whatever, time will tell. he is and has a been a difficult man for a long time, but i do feel really bad about that, although I am not primarily responsible for it. thanks again and hope you are well. you are all so helpful, j

[nancy]

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Well, seems like you are having a really tough time Janka. keep yourself separate from him if you can. You are your own person and it seems like personalities sometimes get lost in marriages.

I don't think it's good for two drinkers or ex-drinkers to be together. I will try to avoid that.

He is taking the offense, which puts you obviously on the defense. but that does not mean you take all the blame, regardless of what he says.

Despite all the things he has done wrong, it's interesting to note that his hard line approach seems to be encouraging you to get serious about your problem.