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Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

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    #1

    Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

    First of all, I am 3 days AF, which for me, is truly amazing. I have struggled for years, YEARS, and rarely got a day in. I once had 2 months in AA, but struggled every darn second and hated every minute of it.

    Now, I am so happy I want to scream from the rooftops. Something internally has shifted. I am not saying this time this is easy. No way. But I have such a different mindset, and it makes me really, REALLY want this. I have come to realize something that now seems, well....so obvious.

    I don't drink because I enjoy it. I really don't. Not anymore. I drink because. Well, because that is what I do. And that is what I have done for so many years at a certain time every day. And I drink because I am sooo afraid of the consequences if I don't. Afraid of facing....the cravings. Those evil cravings. When my own head tells me "I want to drink sooo bad I can't stand it". And you know what? Craving do stink. And drinking immediately rids of them. BUT THIS IS THE THING. If I don't drink...Cravings do pass.

    AND IF I DO DRINK, I HAVE SOMETHING MUCH WORSE...THE GUILT, SHAME, HANGOVERS, REMORSE, HUMILIATION. These DON'T     pass. They stay all day, all night, all day, all night. They never     go away.

    The only way to stop all this is to stop drinking. The cravings will be tough, but WILL pass. In three days, I think I have had about a total of an hour of true discomfort. When I compare that to a day filled with hangover and remorse, it seems almost like a piece of cake (except during the hour, of course). But truth is, I realize that if I can ride these few minutes each day for now of (torture?/cravings), they will pass, and I don't have to deal with all the rest of that crap. Otherwise, If I continue to drink, where does that leave me? I am left, stuck, forever with all the rest.

    Seems so darn simple.

    I just re-read these words, and I am sure I knew this all along...But I don't think I really "got" it until today. WOW!!

    I hope I continue to "GET IT" tomorrow.

    Wish me luck

    Beth
    formerly known as bak310
    Tags: None
    #2
    Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

    This post is very inspiring! hope it continues.

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      #3
      Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

      Hugs to you!

      Comment

        #4
        Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

        I love your post Beth and I'm very proud of you!!! I knew you could do this! It gets better everyday. You have to stay strong and focused but you are getting through the hardest days. Keep it up girl!
        Don

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          #5
          Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

          Beth -
          I am so glad for you!! I remember your first day. I was there in the Chat Room. You have done so well. Be proud!

          I look forward to talking more with you more. (I might even talk to you about my son if you don't mind!)

          Anyway, CONGRATS!
          :goodjob:

          Lauren

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            #6
            Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

            Hi Beth,

            I am so happy for you! 3 days is really great. After 60+ days, I went off a bit and chose to drink. It really reminded me of just how nasty this crap is ... just like you said - hangovers, remorse, guilt, shame, self hate, etc.

            It is so wonderful to wake up in the am and not have a hangover!

            You have a great night - Big Hug,

            Pansy

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              #7
              Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

              Hallelujah! I could not be happier for you bak. It is your time to shine.

              Comment

                #8
                Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                Bak is very shiny! I am so glad that you are here, Beth! I am going to print out your piece because it is so true. You put it in much better words than I could.

                Thank you,
                Pansy

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                  #9
                  Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                  That is just terrific, Beth. You have found the secret of abs. I'm so happy for you!
                  :goodjob:
                  AF as of August 5th, 2012

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                    #10
                    Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                    Way to go bak, I'm very happy for you ,keep up the good work!!

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                      Well, morning of day 4! Thank you so much all!

                      Thanks Pansy! You have always believed in me...God knows why...It has been so long, with such failure. And 60 + days for YOU!!! That is amazing.

                      I do have to say that I am no less resolute this morning, BUT, this morning is really rough emotionally. I don't know if it is that I am on day 4, or lacking sleep (big time - a combination here, no alcohol, my husband's SNORING-which I never hear if I have been drinking, and my sinus' are really bad right now), and/or situational, worsened by my frayed nerves (due to the above).

                      My husband is great, but tends to be critical. Not in the "verbally abusive" way at all. It is just his way. And it is a thorn in our marriage. Little things that really bug me. But I guess after 11 years, I only get annoyed with him about it occasionally, and I guess alcohol numbs it, and lack of alcohol and lack of sleep makes it worse. Again, not screaming, cursing things at all. For example. I am cooking for 16 people tonight for Rosh Hashana (another major stressor-really bad timing, but I did not time my readiness for going AF). I was cooking like a fiend last night. I did a wonderful job. He said so. But FIRST, he made comment that I used the wrong noodles in a recipe. For example; I cleaned the entire fridge out for the same reason as above, and in doing so, I threw out alot of old salad dressings. When I said, "hey, look at the fridge", his first comment was..."so why did you throw away all those salad dressings?" As I said, these are not awful, but they happen all the time, and they hurt. and right now I just can't blow them off.

                      This morning, one of his first comments was that I forgot to take his shirts to the dry cleaner. I finally said. "wow, we haven't been up 1/2 hour and you are already criticizing me". He got pissed. He said..."why are you married to me?" I know why he said this. I have been pretty unhappy, and it shows. I told him it is because I love him. He said.."why don't you take a pad and start making a list (of his criticisms)". I asked him if it would help. He said... "it has been 11 years do you think I am going to change?"

                      I wanted to just cry. I am sitting here 4 days AF trying so hard. I am trying to change. He doesn't know I am AF. I didn't tell him. I can't. I am too afraid of letting him down YET again. I hide my drinking, and although he OBVIOUSLY knows, he cannot always tell on a day-to-day basis, so he does not realize that I am in such a different place in the past 3 days. I cried so hard when he left this morning. I am crying now. I am feeling so emotionally fragile.

                      OK. I spilled my guts here. I am NOT throwing in the towel by ANY means. I want this just as much today as when I started this thread yesterday. I just would love to hear from anyone who can help me as to how to deal with my emotions. Tell me what they are coming from....ANYTHING.

                      Thanks

                      Beth.
                      formerly known as bak310

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                        #12
                        Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                        Thanks for blessings us all with your rays of sunshine Beth !!!

                        ~ I hear a whinny on the wind~

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                          Hi Bak,

                          Are you sure we aren't married to the same man??? Geez your story sounds familiar from the snoring on...

                          I sort of did the same thing as you; I quit drinking and didn't tell him since I had failed so many times before. Of course he didn't notice. I was sober so I noticed all the snide (mostly sarcastic) remarks that he made and this time it hurt. Before, I just drank more and didn't care.

                          At about week 3 AF, ne noticed something different and was very supportive and proud. It was probably the 3rd week in a row that he didn't have to stop on the way home from work for groceries or something (I didn't smell like a brewery).

                          Now when he makes stupid comments, I give it right back. He still says stupid stuff like "you were living in a fog for years". I'm better, he's still sarcastic. Now I can point out the stuff he forgets instead of the other way around all the time.

                          We laugh a lot, however, he still SNORES!!!!

                          V

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                            #14
                            Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                            Voices

                            Wow...How long have you been AF? so, there is hope? I will be better able to deal with him? Even without the booze? Don't get me wrong, he really IS a good man. BUT, he is critical, and I am so SO sensitive right now.

                            your message gives me hope...

                            Thanks
                            formerly known as bak310

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

                              Hi Bak

                              A lot of the emotion will be down to the fact that you are around day 3/4 AF.
                              That time seems to be generally agreed to be the worst part!
                              After you get by these first few days, it seems to get better and easier the further on you go.

                              As for your hubby criticising you for forgetting to take his shirts to the cleaners ....
                              Say what my wife would say.

                              "Well - if you don't like it, take your own damn shirts to the cleaners in future!"
                              (That is why I married her BTW - we are truly equal in everything! I married her because I love her and respect her as an equal partner to spend my life with - not to have a mother substitute who would clean up after me!
                              As far as I'm concerned - that would be demeaning to ME - I don't NEED someone to feed me and iron my shirts!)

                              I know it is unusual for a male to say it - but too many men expect their wives to run around looking after them all the time!

                              You say his comments are "nothing too bad" - but it IS still controlling and demeaning and is undermining your confidence as person.
                              Don't let him get away with it!

                              Sorry if I am speaking out of turn - feel free to tell me to mind my own business, and I will - but this is something I feel strongly about.

                              Much love - hang in there! :l you CAN do this!

                              Satori
                              xxx
                              "Though there are many paths at the foot of the mountain - all those who reach the top see the same moon - as any fule kno"

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