Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

[Guest]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Yes, beth, "something" just clicked in your head and you feel you`ve finally "got it"..........great stuff. Now you have to learn to "hang onto it".........it`s hard, but nomatter who or what pisses us off, we have to remember that nobody or nothing in the world is worth throwing away your AF run for. We just have to draw on our thick-skinned selves and let all our upsets wash over us without us quelling our frustrations with a drink.

Congrats on being on Day 4!!!

You said you couldn`t do this..........proved yourself wrong, huh!!!

Much love,

Starlight Impress x

[jane jane]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Hello Beth---

I need to print your "revelation" post as well. It could have been written (though not as well) by me!

I'd like to throw something out for your consideration, re: your husband. He truly doesn't sound mean-spirited; the "little criticisms" may sting, but perhaps they're just his way, a sort of verbal tic? At any rate, fairly mild. Perhaps---this is just a guess---your drinking has been more of a problem for him, in little daily ways if not huge life issues, than he's willing to accuse you of? And instead of shouting, "Goddamnit, why don't you quit boozing and pay attention to things around the house better?" he simply uses "code"---mentioning the salad dressings, dry cleaning, noodles, etc.

My husband is much the same. Not a doubt in my mind that he loves me, and appreciates me in every possible way. Looking back over all the years when I was simply half-looped most of the time, I can see that his occasional curtness, criticism, and stern looks were a way of saying what he dared not vocalize, which would/should have been, "Jane, you are beautiful, bright, funny, a dynamite cook, you speak 2 foreign languages, play piano, have a lovely singing voice, are fabulous in bed and in super physical shape BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ONLY ABOUT 40% PRESENT IN OUR LIVES because of all that wine you put away! Come out of that fog and be present in our marriage again! Please!" But he didn't say that...instead he'd say something like, "you have had ALL DAY to go and get that inspection sticker for your car, why the Hell didn't you?" (Answer: "My best girl-pal dropped by mid-afternoon and we polished off two big bottles of Mezza Corona!")(Not that I'd really say that! My out-loud reply would be more along the lines of, "Darn! I forgot. First thing tomorrow, darlin'!")

(Note to readers: I did not mean to imply that I'm all that great with that list---I'm NOT---but I've always felt that the man I love believes I'm that great, and what a feeling!)

I have disappointed him in the past, and the only way he dared show it was "little criticisms," perhaps because he was afraid that if he really came down hard, I'd choose wine over marriage to him. And perhaps I might have, at some really rotten points along the trajectory of my alcoholism.

Beth---tell him all you've told us. Take the leap of faith that the man you love loves you enough to help you in your weakness. Admit to him that you are so afraid of letting him down, and ask his help. You may find he's more than willing to be your true helpmeet on this journey, and you could end up closer than ever.

That's what I did, and I feel so relieved not hiding it all anymore. And the look of pride and affection in Mr. Jane's eyes, the sympathetic wink when we're out at a party and he sees me asking for club soda with lime, is like getting a million dollars.

[YoungAtHeart]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Right on Satori!! It is great to hear a man speaking out like this, Beth.

At any rate, these are the hardest and most sensitive days, and he may not be able to support you right now, espec. since he doesn't know. You can come lean on us any time, Beth. I think you're doing great, and it's wonderful that you are coming here rather than saying "Oh what the heck" and opening up a bottle.

I can really understand that you don't want to let your husband down yet again, but truthfully, if he wants you to remain sober , he really does need to be more supportive. I mean he wants you to change your drinking, so why can't he change being critical? I don't think it was fair to bring out the marriage card at this point, Beth. It took the topic off of his being critical and on to whether or not you should stay married. Quite a leap and a diversion!

Also, even if you have been unhappy, you are still dealing with everything around losing Lindsay and helping your sister, as well. This will take time to get over.

I think you are doing great, all things considered. Here's a mazeltov!

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[OverIt2007]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Hi Beth. So much truth to what you said. I can totally relate. The cravings can be so strong that you just give in to them because thats just what we do. Its like a pattern and a routine. It takes alot of strength to break the patterns, and learn to live a different way. I have good days and bad days, but the days where I wake up feeling good and healthy and happy, just feel so good compared to the other. Keep up the great work, and I will try too. We are with you!

[southernbelle47]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Oh wow.......I like this thread!
My hubby is the same, Beth.....but it's MY fault! I do too much for him and I care too much.
I'm working on not being a "pleaser" in an unhealthy way.
I do need his words of affirmation and sometimes I have to ask for them but you know what?
My self worth cannot be so closely tied to his estimate of me!
My Father ,and yours, God ,thinks you are beautiful and He is enthralled by your beauty!
I can prove it if you want me to!

And I like what Sat said about the shirts!:H Maybe some shock value would be good for your hubby!
Oh and..........go sleep in another room and get some rest. 42 years of experience with a snorer here!!!
Love you bunches.
Nancy

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Thank you, Thank you Thank you all!!

Jane, Jane, what you said resonated most with me.

My husband does have a critical "tic" but he is not the kind of man who expects me to "take care of him". He actually does more than I do. We used to both work full time, and he actually did more "house" duties than I did. Still does. More cleaning, shopping. Even does TONS for the kids (which are his step kids, but he treats them as if his own). I have been no slouch (well lately, yes!!!). His issue is that his delivery stinks!! He just is that way, and I have told him off about it a million times. I am just soooo sensitive right now, though.

BUT, that is really not the big issue. The big issue is keeping my a** AF today. And each and every one of your kind words have been so supportive. Maybe even, maybe especially the ones that totatlly dissed mr. Beth LOL because it felt damn good anyway!!!

I hope one day mr. Beth will try to change that which bugs me to death, and it is killing me right now when I am so raw while trying desparately to change something so important in me. And I will let him know. But I can't right now. There have been waaayyy to many times in the past I told him I was trying (some true, some just to appease him) and I just can't say anything for fear of letting him down.

Anyway, I feel so much stronger now, after having read all your responses.

WOW, there is SUCH power in numbers. We cannot do this alone. (at least i can't) But I feel like together, I can make this happen!!!!

I love you all

:h :h :h

Beth

[jane jane]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

You'll do it, Beth. Get through today and be proud tomorrow morning!

Right now it's noon in my time zone, and do you know I'd love to open a chilled bottle right now? Mmmm, honey chile, yes I would. I've been working on an article all morning (I'm a freelance writer) that is due this afternoon, and in the past, this is one of the circumstances that always triggered having a few! Putting in a few hours of hard work, feeling I deserved a break, alone in the house with nobody to "judge"---trouble with a capital "T"!!!

Nobody would "know" if I walked down to the wine shop and bought just one little cold fifth! I could have it all finished by 5 (when Mr. Jane comes home) and he'd be none the wiser (one fifth would not make me loopy; my tolerance has gotten WAY higher than that!) And my God, it would taste and feel soooooo good.

I want it more than I can tell you, but then, I don't have to tell you, do I? Let's both tell the damned demon to get the HELL away, and let's prove that we're stronger than some stupid craving.

Raising a glass (of club soda) to US and our power to get a grip! And to Mr. Jane and Mr. Beth for loving us enough to want us sober...

[jane jane]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

One more thing:

I started thinking, while deciding to begin an AF life, how terrified I'd be if the roles were reversed and it was my husband who drank too much. How helpless and out-of-control I'd feel, watching him make disastrous choices, jeopardizing his career, making no sense sometimes, forgetting whole conversations, letting things go...

If he's been as scared for me as I'd be for him, then I'm all the more determined to succeed, to spare him this Hell of watching a loved one self-destruct.

[janka]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Hi Beth, this is really terrific!!! Congrats and continued luck to you! It DOES feel better not to drink after all, j

[glass Kat]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Beth, Congratulations! You are an inspiration to me. You've put into words many of the thoughts and fears. I'm following in your footsteps, day 2 for me. Kat

[Beaches]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Beth, stay strong girl! You are doing great. My husband does the same thing always. The glass is always half empty. It's so frustrating. He will find the negative in any situation instead of giving a compliment. I think I would have kicked his butt if he made the comment to me that yours did.....the flippant one basically saying you can take notes and he's not going to change. That hit home for me.
So we have a decision. We get better and keep moving forward and hopefully they will come along eventually for the ride or we end up becoming more distant. I am hoping for the first option because as frustrating as he is I still see us walking down the beach in our 70's holding hands.
HUGS to you.

[YoungAtHeart]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Awwww, Beaches, that is so sweet!

Okay, Beth, I won't rag on Mr. Beth anymore. He sounds like basically a good guy, but kind of negative at times. Clearly, he's unaware of how much being critical can affect people sometimes.

We ARE more sensitive when we don't drink. I cry more easily, but I'm also more open to joy, as well.

Maybe you could just tell Mr. Beth that you're feeling rather sensitive these days, and ask him to just be aware of it, if you don't want to get into the drinking part yet. Also he might be a little alarmed if you suddenly up and move to another room, so maybe you could also explain that you haven't been sleeping well, and it is contributing to your sensitivity.

You are really lovely and sincere Beth, so take care of yourself and do what you need to do to stay AF.

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[janka]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Hey Bak, you are one true vibrant and inspirational lady!!! congrats on being af and also your wonderful attitude!! don't let your hubby get you down, he's got to work thru his own stuff, has no clue what you are up to and seems to love you dearly. i wouldn't tell him you were changing (haven't you said it before?), i'd just show him ... because behavior matters most. hang in there, j

[bestlifeldms]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Wow Beth! This is awsome! Congratulations on AF! I am on the same path. Wasn't going to post until I had hit 30 days AF. But you have inspired me. It was like I was afraid I would jinx myself, but today is day 9! Believe me, there are easier days ahead. This AF life is much better. I feel better, look better, I sleep better, I remember conversations, I get more done, both at home and at work. Heck, the whites of my eyes are almost white. LOL! :wow:

I know that AF offers everything better, and continuing to drink will result in only worse things for us - either tomorrow or down the road. Health, family, career. It would only be a matter of time. People talk about hitting bottom, but the bottom doesn't have to be a DUI or loosing our job or marriage/family.

Everyone's bottom comes at a different time. I don't want to go to the bottoms mentioned above, and that is where I would eventually end up. That's what keeps me going right now.

I have a small pocket calendar on the night stand beside my bed. Each morning I mark an X on that day as my committment to myself that I won't drink that day. I don't wait until the day is over to "see" if I made it. I think this new attitude has helped me.

As for husbands, kids, jobs, family and pressure in general, I realize that it will always be there, sober or drunk. I just numbed myself from the sting of the pressure by starting when I got home from work and continuing until I went to bed - many nights not rememebering that last hour or more of my evening. Like you said, the sting can't be worse than the guilt and felling like !@#$ because once again we drank too much. So, c'mon pressure, load it up, bring it on!!! We can handle it!

Here is a hug! :l

Sherry

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Day 3 AF and my revelation!!

Thank you all once again!!! Well it is 9:30 and I made it through the day. That includes making dinner for 16 people and having them come in the door with 3 bottles of wine...UGH. I didn't have a drop, and when they left, I was able to pour the rest out. I didn't really crave much, just felt alot of stress, and as I said earlier, it was an emotional day.

BUT, much better later in the day, after reading all your wonderful posts. AND, I am very hopeful, because the EVIL DAY 4 is OVER!!!

I am hoping for a better night's sleep (Mr. Beth's snoring be DAMNED) and when I wake up I will be on day 5...UNHEARD OF.

I love you all so much. You are truly my lifelines..each and every one of you.

With all my heart.

Beth