Ok. I just gotta keep sharing!
I am at the end of day 6, and just learning more every day. I feel the need to share it, because if it helps just one person, it will be worth it. I am becoming stronger each and every day. I am becoming a little prouder every day. And my motivation is increasing with every day's successes. Days 1 was the absolute worst, and days 3 and 4 were so hard emotionally. I was just so emotionally fragile, and so damn tired, but amazingly, after day 4, I was able to have a restful night's sleep. My sleep in the first few nights was poor (although I was still waking up better than before, at least not feeling like I was hit by a mack truck). I had a lot of trouble falling asleep, sweat a lot, and was up almost every hour (listening to my husbands snoring no less)! Don't get me wrong, it is still really hard. It is hard at my drinking hour. It is hard at 5pm, and stays hard until about 8 or so, but each day, it is less hard, and during the day, I am prouder...happier. So like a train leaving the station, I am gaining momentum exponentially.
This is the thing. I had once before gone AF for almost 2 months. That was almost 10 years ago when I was in AA. The experience was entirely different. Then, every day was awful, and it NEVER got better. I hated every evening with a passion. I guess I was "white knuckling" it, as it is called. I don't blame AA. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe the program wasn't for me. Probably both. But that was my only experience AF, and NO WAY was that a way to live. I couldn't possibly keep up like that forever. And I think I feared being AF again, because that was what I expected to happen again. It didn't. So anyone who has tried before and found it just horrible, please remember not to give up. It can be different next time, or the next. I don't know that this will stick. There are no guarentees. In a moment of weakness, I could drink tomorrow. I hope not. But if I do, at least I have this memory of being AF to fall back on. And it is a good one. I have a lot of optomism this time that if I continue on this path, I will make it. That feels really good. I have faith that there will come a day, not too far down the road, that 5pm won't be hard. And the days will continue getting better and better for me.
Some of you have asked me what it is that is working. "Is it the topa, the supps, the cd's etc." Honestly, the answer is yes and no. Lots of things help, but the major thing seems to be this internal shift in my thinking. Something that broke through the denial and is letting me see drinking for what it truly is. That is not a consellation for those of you who are struggling. I wish I could tell you how it happened and bottle it but I can't. It has taken 20 + years for this to happen for me. And again, I don't know if it will last or not. The only thing I can say for sure, is that when that "mental shift" did happen, I needed all of you with me to keep it going and give me support. I couldn't do it alone. So, if you are reading this and struggling, as I have been for so, so long, and will continue to do so (I am sure) stay close to people who understand the way our (drinking) minds work, and support you in your quest to do better. If it doesn't happen today, or tomorrow, just don't give up.
I am no expert. I only have a few days. But while I am here at 6 days, I want to share my insights of a novice, before I forget how it feels, so that others may possibly benefit.
And mostly, I want to thank ALL of you. I would not be past the first 5pm on Monday if it were not for you. I have been chatting with many of you, and reading, and re-reading your posts to my other thread constantly. They ARE my lifeline.
I love you all
Beth
I am at the end of day 6, and just learning more every day. I feel the need to share it, because if it helps just one person, it will be worth it. I am becoming stronger each and every day. I am becoming a little prouder every day. And my motivation is increasing with every day's successes. Days 1 was the absolute worst, and days 3 and 4 were so hard emotionally. I was just so emotionally fragile, and so damn tired, but amazingly, after day 4, I was able to have a restful night's sleep. My sleep in the first few nights was poor (although I was still waking up better than before, at least not feeling like I was hit by a mack truck). I had a lot of trouble falling asleep, sweat a lot, and was up almost every hour (listening to my husbands snoring no less)! Don't get me wrong, it is still really hard. It is hard at my drinking hour. It is hard at 5pm, and stays hard until about 8 or so, but each day, it is less hard, and during the day, I am prouder...happier. So like a train leaving the station, I am gaining momentum exponentially.
This is the thing. I had once before gone AF for almost 2 months. That was almost 10 years ago when I was in AA. The experience was entirely different. Then, every day was awful, and it NEVER got better. I hated every evening with a passion. I guess I was "white knuckling" it, as it is called. I don't blame AA. Maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe the program wasn't for me. Probably both. But that was my only experience AF, and NO WAY was that a way to live. I couldn't possibly keep up like that forever. And I think I feared being AF again, because that was what I expected to happen again. It didn't. So anyone who has tried before and found it just horrible, please remember not to give up. It can be different next time, or the next. I don't know that this will stick. There are no guarentees. In a moment of weakness, I could drink tomorrow. I hope not. But if I do, at least I have this memory of being AF to fall back on. And it is a good one. I have a lot of optomism this time that if I continue on this path, I will make it. That feels really good. I have faith that there will come a day, not too far down the road, that 5pm won't be hard. And the days will continue getting better and better for me.
Some of you have asked me what it is that is working. "Is it the topa, the supps, the cd's etc." Honestly, the answer is yes and no. Lots of things help, but the major thing seems to be this internal shift in my thinking. Something that broke through the denial and is letting me see drinking for what it truly is. That is not a consellation for those of you who are struggling. I wish I could tell you how it happened and bottle it but I can't. It has taken 20 + years for this to happen for me. And again, I don't know if it will last or not. The only thing I can say for sure, is that when that "mental shift" did happen, I needed all of you with me to keep it going and give me support. I couldn't do it alone. So, if you are reading this and struggling, as I have been for so, so long, and will continue to do so (I am sure) stay close to people who understand the way our (drinking) minds work, and support you in your quest to do better. If it doesn't happen today, or tomorrow, just don't give up.
I am no expert. I only have a few days. But while I am here at 6 days, I want to share my insights of a novice, before I forget how it feels, so that others may possibly benefit.
And mostly, I want to thank ALL of you. I would not be past the first 5pm on Monday if it were not for you. I have been chatting with many of you, and reading, and re-reading your posts to my other thread constantly. They ARE my lifeline.
I love you all
Beth
)
c: :heart:
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