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**Guest** · April 20, 2006, 04:39 PM

Been having those thoughts again...

Meg if you can't or don't want to register. Please send me an email to my personal address. memarcie@new.rr.com. I have been in your place and I know what it's like. I would love to help if I can.

Marcie

**Guest** · April 20, 2006, 05:07 PM

Been having those thoughts again...

Oh Meg, I feel your pain. It's ok, change always makes things feel out of control. That's what I am going thru... But drinking only magnifies it. Can you cut it down? set a limit and stick to it!? For me, I know, after 6 forget it, big D. Line them up if you have to, but try to get control. Nobody is "worthless' we were put here for a reason, and you have a reason. We try to put too high of expectations, little things we do can make a difference to someone!! I am totally ALONE, with my puppy, but family has not been there for me. But, I refuse to give up!!! I may have breast cancer, waiting for my biopsy. But still knowing I have control over something is comforting. Don't feel bad about "venting", that's a good sign!!! Your ok, just with being YOU, take care, cj

**Guest** · April 20, 2006, 05:24 PM

Been having those thoughts again...

Meg,
I understand what you are going through. I am not on xanax but on citalopram, a similar drug and I also still get depressed. I found that Sam-E helped but I stopped taking it a couple of weeks ago. I think I'll get myself another bottle because I did feel better when I took it.
I am also in the same place as you in the drinking arena. We can do it. This program does work. Keep reading the success stories. I ramble on and vent here and no one has told me to stop. This is what we are all here for. To support each other. You can do it. How does the saying go:
"A thought leads to a deed" - something like that. Just thinking about it will make you more aware of it and you can change the pattern.
CB

**Guest** · April 20, 2006, 06:14 PM

Been having those thoughts again...

Meg

Hi Meg,
The feelings you've described are so similar to mine - especially after a night's heavy drinking. On this program, I've been pretty good about cutting back and have acheived two weeks of no alcohol twice. But - I've always gone back and started up again. This last time I entertained the bottle could not be described as anything but purposeful self-destruction. Hey, if I'm going for moderation I wouldn't buy the BIG bottle, would I? I suppose this will have to be like when I quit smoking - try, try again. So, here I am back at the board and starting out at Day One.

I have found that after a night of drinking, my anxiety, depression, and self-hate are horrible. Also, it seems that after about two days off drinking my mood gets very low. Only after about three days have elapsed do I seem to get that lift. I have to make sure to take the supplements, too. My bet is that you are experiencing some physical changes that are making things worse. Yet, drinking will not make it better over time.

I am sorry that you are feeling so down. There is no way that you are worthless - keep coming to the boards for boosts. Most of the people here have slipped or had some kind of trouble along the way. Maybe you are having a hard time getting past that first horrible weaning. If I hadn't been fortunate enough to make it for two weeks, I probably wouldn't believe that feeling good (physically) was an option. Only after I started to feel good did my emotions catch up!

If you find yourself feeling so low, come online and read posts. I see that someone has sent you their e-mail - see how wonderful people are here! If you need to chat, it seems like there is almost always someone on. If you need someone to remind you how wonderful you are, let the people here help you with that. It won't feel like such a huge effortful task (I'm worthless, then feeling worthless because you feel that way...) with the help of others.

Take care,
Pan

**Guest** · April 20, 2006, 06:55 PM

Been having those thoughts again...

Re: Meg

Hey Meg,

Try to keep in mind that both alcohol and Xanax are depressant drugs...but both are tricky because they initially make you feel better, not worse. But their overall impact is to depress your central nervous system and your mood. Of course, with the alcohol, you have the added shame and self-loathing.

Are you really working the program all the way? If you aren't, please don't expect the dramatic results that some other people are having and blame yourself if you're not getting them! Lots of people didn't make it throught the 2 weeks--that's not a reason to beat yourself up! No one here would want you to be suicidal over it either, Meg! Please keep reaching up and reaching out. Please keep trying. We're all here for you. I know how hard it is to reach out....it's hard for me too, but it gets easier, espec. with all the love and support here on MWO!

Take care my dear! It's good to hear from you again! Welcome back!

Hugs,
Kathy

**Guest** · April 21, 2006, 07:16 AM

Been having those thoughts again...

Re: Meg

I can only reiterate the questions and wise words Kathy wrote.

Are you working the program? If yes, what aspects? You have to give this 110%. It is tough and we have all been there. You have to seek it. It will not come to you.

Meg, we all have feelings of loathing and self-doubt but there comes a time when you have to say enough. We have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and make a life change. I feel you are right on the brink of doing this.

Has feeling sorry for yourself and continuing to drink gotten you the results that you are looking for? Look into your heart. Are you ready to turn your life around?

Before MWO, I was the biggest drunk I knew. I was hungover every other day. The self-loathing was taking over my life. Every bone in my body was negative and my mind set was "poor me."

You need to dust yourself off and at least give the program 100% effort, see what results you get and then evaluate.

You can do this. We all know you can.

-Nina

**Guest** · April 21, 2006, 08:01 AM

Been having those thoughts again...

Re: Been having those thoughts again

Thank you everyone so much for your wonderful replies! I cried while reading some of them.
I am doing alot of the program but not the topa because my doctor won't give it to me.
Starting today I'm going to start trying again.

I love you all!!!
XO
Meg

**Guest** · April 21, 2006, 08:06 AM

Been having those thoughts again...

Thankyou

Thankyou Marcie for your email address.

*e-hugs*

**Guest** · April 21, 2006, 08:16 AM

Been having those thoughts again...

Re: Thankyou

Hey Meg,

Will your doc give you campral? It is another good option. Or can you find another doc? Some are more open than others. Also, psychiatrists tend to be more open than general practitioners or medical specialists. Some docs can be such turds!

Please don't give up! Keep doing everything you're doing (except the drinking of course

) and see if you can't come up with a way to get the topa. It will help, believe me! Nina is right, sometimes when we feel we've reached the end of our rope, we have to dig even deeper, and somehow, we find something extra inside that we didn't know we had in there......it sucks, doesn't it? You're stronger than you know, and you have all of us! I'm glad you're reaching out!

Take care, sweetie!
Cyber hugs,
Kathy

**Guest** · April 21, 2006, 09:26 AM

Been having those thoughts again...

Re: Thankyou

Meg, you're no different than many of us who have tried and tried again. The difference is that we finally set a date and stuck to it ( so far ).

Give it and honest try and follow the program. Supps or supps and Topa.

We will be here for you.

Dug

**Guest** · May 19, 2006, 04:23 PM

Been having those thoughts again...

Xanax and associated problems

Hi, Meg and all. I am far behind on catching up so hope this post catches up with you since I am a newbie. I ordered the book and downloaded it ... didn't start to read it till this morning though I downloaded WEd. night. Ha ha on me - my black print is running low the and the print isn't so good .. I may find it therapeutic to type it out myself (it's mostly legible). I also ordered the CDs - they supposedly take 3-5 business days to arrive.

Don't be so hard on yourself ... I took have the drink and xanax problem .. I've been on the xanax since a divorce five years ago and every six months I go in and see my doc about getting off the stuff ... and he doesn't really want to talk about it, just writes another script (sp?). I do agree with the others, if I can go three days without drinking my mood comes back to normal and the self-hate and loathing and worthless go away. I have just turned 50 and I think my drinking really became out of control when I started menopause. That's just my story. I've always been a heavy drinker, though and even had blackouts in college. The thing is, to keep trying. I"m a little afraid to try the campral or the topa till I get off the booze and start weaning off the xanax. Are you willing to talk about that separately? If so, I'll send you my email.

Hey, it can get better. All we have to do is (and I tried AA and it didn't work for me but there is one line there) ONE DAY AT A TIME.

This is a great and inspirational board. Hang in there.
Hugs
Rock
P.S. Wish I knew how to push this up the board but I guess no one will see it unless they do a search.
Best regards - you are NOT alone.

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