Fear

[Cinders]

I have used and have often read used the word fear regarding trying to quit drinking. Magic often asks, "What are you afraid of?"

After some events of the last few days, I have recognized that for myself it is fear of failure. None of us wants to fail. (We already have low enough self-esteem)

However, I am not sure I know what failure is regarding our goal(s).

Is this a pass/fail situation? A graded situation? Perhaps we need to adjust our thinking to consider what is success?

If failure is any single lapse, then of course, success is total abstinence for a goal of AF, or drunk free if the goal is mod. Whew, that would definitely lead many of us down the path of failure!! This thinking would lead many of us to not even try.

If success is measured in how well or how often we maintain our goal, then those of us who slip often are "D" or "F" students!! OMG, for a Type-A, "failure is not an option" sort of person, that is not a happy place to be!! Again, why try or keep trying?

Perhaps, in order to remove the obstacle of the fear of failure, we need to adjust our thinking. Failure is simply not trying or giving up and success is the rest of the universe??

My concern about this line of thought is it opens up the "okay, I can mess up today because tomorrow I will succeed." That, too, is self-defeating.

What I am trying to do is figure out how to deal with the fear and with the low self-esteem and adjust my thinking so that these are at least not an obstacle to my success.

Anyone else's thoughts on this?

Cindi

[Niblet]

Fear

Hello Dear Cindi,
As you go through this journey always understand that you're not alone first and foremost... What you may be feeling many others do as well.
Please try not to use the word, "Failure " If you are indeed trying, yet not quite suceeding just yet, you are not a "Failure"...
If you are learning as you go that IS the goal... You can chose if you like to beat yourself up and sabboatoge an otherwise very good lesson, or simply "tweak" the next time... Feel proud that you have "learned" something... on your own.. We are all truely individual in our experiences and try to find what works for you... Be easy on yourself and know that there is " NO FAILURE " if you are making an effort to help yourself..... I wish for you a happy, peaceful day and a hug to go with it.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Fear

I too have been afraid to try to abstain again for so, so long because of the fear of failure. But failure is the act of giving in tto his awful situation we are in. Getting this under control is, for many of us, a process. Allowing ourselves to go through that process is success. For some, it is AF right from the beginning. For most, it is fits and starts. Each one is a learning process. A chance to do better next time. Each time we succumb we are that much closer to our goal. We are SUCCEDING!!

The only failure, in my mind, is to sit on our rear ends and not try. "relapse", if you want to call it that, is not failure, it is just part of the process towards success for most of us.

SO, GET IN THERE!!! Like the Nike slogan...."just do it"

Beth

[MDBiker]

Fear

Cindi, Nibs has a good point. We are winners just because we are willing to make changes in our lives in order to become better people. Knowing and admitting we have a problem is progress. Reading and working the program to the estent you can is success. Having the gumption to keep comming to this site and trying; never giving up but working the program is success. Slipping and having a drink is part of the learning experience. If you can go AF and not slip that is wonderful, but most of us have slipped before getting any real time AF. For me that slip took about a year to get over; but I did get over it and I came back here where I know I can find the help I need to get back on track. Never give up. The only way to fail is to give up, and if you give up you will not be here so there are no failures on this site. You are on the right track, just stick with it.

God Bless
bear

[Guest]

Fear

Cindi, I have let fear hold me back in so many areas of my life. So many missed opportunitys. Now at 46 I am trying to overcome them starting with the smallest, with me that would be making friends, (not buying them like I used to) To the largest managing my drinking. I don't look at my drinking as a win, lose. Succeed, fail situation. I look at it as an issue I deal with and have to manage everyday. My Mom who was visiting, is a diabetic I watched her give herself 2 injections of insulin a day to manage her disease. Well, I look at my drinking much the same way, I want to moderate so I have a daily goal. Most days I achieve it. In the immortal line "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" It really is true. As the Bible says fear not. When we feel the fear thing let's post on the ASAP thread so we can get support we need.
Smiles & Hugs
Mar

[beatle]

Fear

I can't imagine why you have low self-esteem, Cindi. But yes, fear of failure is very much connected to that. Also, being a perfectionist. I can relate to that as well. I've heard the saying "baby steps" used a lot here. I think we can also call them "baby successes".

[Finding My Self]

Fear

A lovely thread - I'll be back later on it but, oh boy, dealing with fear and low sef-esteem!! Is there a degree course I can get honours in on that?!?!?!

Thanks for reminding me about baby-steps. And that, like learning to juggle...you can only juggle well when you accept that learning incudes dropping a lot of balls!! Success comes from failing more times than anyone else!!! (who never tries that is...!)

Love FMF x

[Guest]

Fear

Beatle, I have low self esteem, but am also a perfectionist, try letting those two co-exisit in you. I never feel good enough, I feel others are better than me, prettier than me smarter than me more talented than me. I could go on forever. On the other hand because of the low self esteem I have to be better at everything look better than everyone the, perfectionism. It is very hard to manage and a drink was my way of coping for YEARS!!!! I felt it never judged me and made me feel all the things I thought I wasn't. Your right one day at a time, baby steps. Whatever it takes, but then I have to start working on thoses other issues. The one listed above plus many others. Sometimes it feels as if you move only in circles,never getting anywhere
Smiles
Mar

[Cinders]

Fear

Mar and Beatle,

Ditto. My personality exactly.

Low self-esteem, perfectionist (failure is NOT an option), and hmmm, geez this makes me anxious because I am always striving to succeed and prove myself.

That is why I wanted to address this fear thing. It has been an obstacle for me. Fear of failure. I need (and believe I am) changing my attitude about what failure is regarding this fight. I am also changing my attitude about what success is.

Success is what we are all doing, addressing, fighting, working on it day by day. Failure is simply giving up.

Like you, Mar, I will also have to address the other aspects of my personality. I am getting too old to keep up the pace I do at work. It is having a negative effect on my physical and mental well-being. Unfortunately, I am one of the "go to" people because I get results. I need to learn how to say "whoa" when they start piling everything on top of me.

This is the first time I ever asked for time at home where there was not something to do for others, holidays, parents needing help, etc, and I am concentrating only on myself. It is very relaxing and renewing and probably one of the reasons I am able to make the progress I am finally making.

Cindi

[southernbelle47]

Fear

Cindi,
"The only way to never fail, is to never try".....don't know who said that but I have to agree....

Also.."God does NOT give the spirit of fear, but of Power, Love, and a sound mind. "......Guess where fear does come from!

It's funny but when my grandchildren were here a while back, we had a conversation about going to church back home in Ohio.
They had let the fear of not knowing the books of the Bible cause them dread going because the "Other kids" already knew "everything".....
Thats like not going to school because you "perceive" that everyone else in 1st grade has already graduated .

It IS a journey.....fall down-get up..........fall down-get up.....next time maybe we can help our neighbor up too.

Love you all,
Nancy "Belle"

[Determinator]

Fear

Cindi, Im SOOOO glad you are getting some YOU time in and fighting this very important battle for your benefit.

Fear of success/failure are much like any fear/s....and we can defeat them with the proper psychological exercises. Our brains need exercise just like our bodies of course and many of us go for decades with flabby mental muscles. When we first come to need those muscles they get sore and act like regular muscles but WILL get stronger.
Just like stage fright. Start small and soon you can stand in front of a large crowd and just relax. Learning to overcome fear is EXTREMELY important as it cripples us more than we probably realize. Thanks for starting such an important thread Deeby....

[IAD]

Fear

Db2 F,
Thier is no pass or fail in our lives. Only that we continue to move forward. When we give up.....then we have truly failed ! IAD

[janka]

Fear

Hi db2, i have been struggling with the fear of failure for a very long time, especially with regard to potentially ending my marriage, a huge personal failure, defeat, despite all my efforts -- but i am not in that alone, someone else plays an important part. As far as not drinking goes, it involves only me, and my own commitments to myself that i secretly keep. i have made no promises to anyone abstain forever or for any limit of time. I am opting and working toward improvement, progress. And as i progress, i feel better. Counting straight days af bothers me, the idea of starting all over because of a slip can be heartbreaking and counterproductive. so while i am 17 af days straight, i like to say 31 out of the past 33 days af, which translates into a 94% success rate -- that's way, way better than a 0% one, even a 10%, 20% or 30% rate is terrific when one has been going at it daily. failure does not exist in these terms. maybe this perspective will help some. take care, j