OK. I admit I've just swapped booze for tons of things to do coz I can't face how things are.
I try to be really positive - I'm alive. I have my senses, limbs, mind (back! ).... But I hate just being in this house on my own. I get out very day just to town to walk around and have a coffee. I try to stay in the company of others as much as possible even if they are just other shoppers around me. That alone is to keep me out of my boggy brain.
I've taken up all these things and I want to do them - I've always been eager to learn and experience. But now I am tired and empty coz what's the point. I mean, every point in that the journey is life not the destination but it's like travelling a world with no people in it. The views and mountiains will always be beautiful but are they as lovely if there's no one to share them with?
I am so glad to be able to share things with everyone here but I feel I'm getting a bit OTT. I go on about my classes coz there's no one other than my daughter around to talk to and, you know, 18 year old don't want all the ins and outs of Mum's life!! Not natural!
So, ?%%&$+{@#@+*&%^$#~@/........... < my 'muddle'.
It's so great to be AF. It's so great to sing, dance, learn, strive, achieve but.....it just seems worthless without friends, family and a partner to share them with. David's gone and I found a list of 'friends' that I thought would still be around in 5 years time - one made two+ years ago. All nine have vanished. And that was before I started drinking anything other than 'normally' so it wasn't that. Two have I think been 'got at' by David. But the others...?
I feel sooooh scared about there being no one to call other than my daughter if I get ill or injured. It happened when I tore a ligament in my leg and was on crutches for three months...but David was around then. And with no licence, too - I know my own b***** stupid fault. It all just seems too much responsibility on my own. I mean, I don't shun responsibility but I so want someone to 'help' with the kids. Their 'issues' at 14 and 18 seem huge ones - which Uni. Driving 5 hours at night having only been driving less than a year. Boyfriend dramas. Money worries when I have ?150 in the bank and ?33,000 of debt and staving off bankruptcy each day and can't help at all. Just someone for a hug or a face to face chat with - my best girl friend's 250 miles away and I can't even afford the b***** train ticket. Bah................! Wish I could have a Mum I could ring.
I don't even know how I will ever get out of this house - even if I could move yet I cannot afford a removal company.....did it before with David, a trailer and friends....all gone.
(I will say that most of those 'friends' were known by many 'acquaintances' to be fickle and 'a bit odd' (!) but trust me to befriend totally unsuitable bods!!! Desperation? How sad.)
Thanks for 'listening' if you've got this far... just really down and would rather not dump on you all but I know you'd be p'd with me if I went off and drank on this. I don't want to but am glad I'm (a) here and (b) got my kids coz otherwise....I know we do this for ourselves foremost but it sure helps if there's a goal to make it worthwhile and I really don't know what mine is other than being sober when 'it' comes along IF it ever does. (I have to say - worryingly maybe - that given the choice between never drinking ever again and never having a partner ever again, the drink would seriously lose! I mean, sorry, but the only thing I have ever wanted is a family - full on, him, her, and the kids..... maybe why I picked so many unsuitables - blind faith??!)
I'm just p'd coz my parents (can't even type Mum and Dad) don't want the meeting we'd planned to discuss their 'arrangements'.... They refuse to discuss anything to do with their affairs and I, as their only child, am really worried. This has been going on for 15 years (this particular topic, let alone all the rest) but as the get nearer the inevitable (82 and 86) still they pull the walls close ever tighter around themselves. I don't know their solicitor, accountant, doctor. I don't have or know if anyone has Power of Attorney. I don't know their executors. I am clearly none of them. I don't even know who will tell me they're dead if they have an accident. They ostracised me from my cousins years ago for being 'nasty ' (when I asked them not to fraternise with my ex husband who kept my elder daughter.... Let's not even go there!) and I don't even know how to get hold of any relations to tell them about a funeral if I have to. (I suspect they'll be telling me....) As for Inheritance tax - they're going to be paying over ?250,000 of it as they've done nothing to avoid it.
But it's not the money - that's always been their weapon (of mass destruction...yes!) It's the being shut out of my own family - the very thing I 've ever wanted. B*s**rds....
Yes, Rob, I know....and thanks. You're right. (In case you're trawling through this!) But it hurts today.
I've asked them to answer those questions but I'm not holding my breath and, quite frankly I think, having dreaded their death and funerals for so many years (will be soooh sad at the missed opportunities and what wasn't...), I want to consider not being there. Not worrying about them coz I can't do anything and I'm not going to be humiliated at their endings.
I just feel so damned alone. And that seems sooooh up-my-own-bum. I'm really sorry. I have so much. I know there are folk homeless and I have a roof. I have tried loving this house and all the positive affirmation stuff....but I HATE it. Things go wrong as soon as I step in the door. And my son and daughter feel the same on their own volition. But how do I move broke, bankrupt and with a criminal record????? Renting checks all those things. And I can't even do it in my daughter's name - pretty odd, eh? 50 year old woman takes out contract in 18 year old daughter's name? How on earth did I stoop/get so low????? (I mean, things have been this bad for YEARS....dare I say, you can see where the drinknig kicked in!!!!! But still my - bad - choice.)
I'm stopping there....too much. It's really helped getting it all out and down but I soooh hope I've not depressed anybody too much or you stopped before. And if I deserve a kick up the bum - here it is... FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=" Nothing worse than over-maudling. But I have to face this eventually. It is my biggest trigger.
Thanks for being you and being there.
Hugs FMF xx
OK. I admit I've just swapped booze for tons of things to do coz I can't face how things are.
I try to be really positive - I'm alive. I have my senses, limbs, mind (back! ).... But I hate just being in this house on my own. I get out very day just to town to walk around and have a coffee. I try to stay in the company of others as much as possible even if they are just other shoppers around me. That alone is to keep me out of my boggy brain.
I've taken up all these things and I want to do them - I've always been eager to learn and experience. But now I am tired and empty coz what's the point. I mean, every point in that the journey is life not the destination but it's like travelling a world with no people in it. The views and mountiains will always be beautiful but are they as lovely if there's no one to share them with?
I am so glad to be able to share things with everyone here but I feel I'm getting a bit OTT. I go on about my classes coz there's no one other than my daughter around to talk to and, you know, 18 year olds don't want all the ins and outs of Mum's life!! Not natural!
So, ?%%&$+{@#@+*&%^$#~@/........... < my 'muddle'.
It's so great to be AF. It's so great to sing, dance, learn, strive, achieve but.....it just seems worthless without friends, family and a partner to share them with. David's gone and I found a list of 'friends' I'd made down here and that I thought would still be around in 5 years time - one made two+ years ago. All nine have vanished. And that was before I started drinking anything other than 'normally' so it wasn't that. Two have I think been 'got at' by David. But the others...?
I feel sooooh scared about there being no one to call other than my daughter if I get ill or injured. It happened when I tore a ligament in my leg (dancing!) and was on crutches for three months...but David was around then. And me with no licence now, too - I know my own b***** stupid fault. It all just seems too much responsibility on my own. I mean, I don't shun responsibility but I so want someone to 'help' with the kids - too share the everyday concerns and celebrations. Their 'issues' at 14 and 18 seem huge ones - which Uni. Driving 5 hours at night having only been driving less than a year. Boyfriend dramas. Money worries when I have ?150 in the bank and ?33,000 of debt and staving off bankruptcy each day and can't help at all. Just someone for a hug or a face to face chat with - my best girl friend's 250 miles away and I can't even afford the b***** train ticket. Bah................! Wish I could have a Mum I could ring.
I don't even know how I will ever get out of this house - even if I could move yet I cannot afford a removal company.....did it before with David, a trailer and friends....all gone.
Thanks for 'listening' if you've got this far... just really down and would rather not dump on you all but I know you'd be p'd with me if I went off and drank on this. I don't want to but am glad I'm (a) here and (b) got my kids coz otherwise....I know we do this for ourselves foremost but it sure helps if there's a goal to make it worthwhile and I really don't know what mine is other than being sober when 'it' comes along IF it ever does. (I have to say - worryingly maybe - that given the choice between never drinking ever again and never having a partner ever again, the drink would seriously lose! I mean, sorry, but the only thing I have ever wanted is a family - full on... "him, her, and the kids"..... maybe why I picked so many unsuitables - blind faith??! But I'm not out there with it on my T-shirt!!! Ugh!)
I'm just p'd coz my parents (can't even type Mum and Dad) don't want the meeting we'd planned at the wedding to discuss their 'arrangements' after all.... They refuse to discuss anything to do with their affairs and I, as their only child, am really worried. This has been going on for 15 years (this particular topic, let alone all the rest) but as they get nearer the inevitable (82 and 86) still they pull the walls ever tighter around themselves. I don't know their solicitor, accountant, doctor. I don't have or know if anyone has Power of Attorney. I don't know their executors. I am clearly none of them. I don't even know who will tell me they're dead if they have an accident. They ostracised me from my cousins years ago for being 'nasty ' (when I asked them not to fraternise with my ex husband who kept my elder daughter.... Let's not even go there!) and I don't even know how to get hold of any relations to tell them about a funeral if I have to. (I suspect they'll be telling me....) As for Inheritance tax - they're going to be paying over ?250,000 of it as they've done nothing to avoid it. And suddenly, as the only next of kin, I will be expected (might be...WANT to be) to know everything (at least quite a lot) and deal with it..... ?!?!
But it's not the money - that's always been their weapon (of mass destruction...yes!) It's the being shut out of my own family - the very thing I've ever wanted. B*s**rds....
Yes, Rob, I know....and thanks. You're right. (In case you're trawling through this!) But it just hurts today.
I've asked them to answer those questions (all having to be done by letter of course at my father's suggestion...."No point in you coming all the way up here Darling (seven of those, creep!) - just put it in a letter") but I'm not holding my breath and, quite frankly I think, having dreaded their death and funerals for so many years (will be soooh sad at the missed opportunities and what wasn't...), I want to consider not being there. Not worrying about them coz I can't do anything and refusing to be humiliated at their endings.
I just feel so damned alone. And that seems sooooh up-my-own-bum. I'm really sorry. I have so much. I know there are folk homeless and I have a roof. I have tried loving this house and all the positive affirmation stuff....but I HATE it. Things go wrong as soon as I step in the door. And my son and daughter feel the same on their own volition. But how do I move broke, possibly bankrupt and with a criminal record????? Renting checks all those things. And I can't even do it in my daughter's name - pretty odd, eh? 50 year old woman takes out contract in 18 year old daughter's name? How on earth did I stoop/get so low????? (I mean, things have been this bad financially for YEARS....dare I say, you can see where the drinking kicked in!!!!! But still my - bad - choice.) (Just realised - we do pick 'em! Some might pick alcoholic after alcoholic...I picked lazy, broke people; ex hubby #2 went under for ?37,000 after I gave him ?140,000 of my money to save him. And David?...well, we know about his financial accumen and commitment! Change needed there in me then!) (Sorry, seems to be 'OK' dumping on people in Cyberspace but it still seems not very kind...! Vibes and all that...)
I'm stopping there....too much. It's really helped getting it all out and down but I soooh hope I've not depressed anybody too much or you stopped before. And if I deserve a kick up the bum - here it is... :moon: Nothing worse than over-maudling. But I have to face this eventually. It is my biggest trigger.
Thanks for being you and being there.
Hugs FMF xx
I try to be really positive - I'm alive. I have my senses, limbs, mind (back! ).... But I hate just being in this house on my own. I get out very day just to town to walk around and have a coffee. I try to stay in the company of others as much as possible even if they are just other shoppers around me. That alone is to keep me out of my boggy brain.
I've taken up all these things and I want to do them - I've always been eager to learn and experience. But now I am tired and empty coz what's the point. I mean, every point in that the journey is life not the destination but it's like travelling a world with no people in it. The views and mountiains will always be beautiful but are they as lovely if there's no one to share them with?
I am so glad to be able to share things with everyone here but I feel I'm getting a bit OTT. I go on about my classes coz there's no one other than my daughter around to talk to and, you know, 18 year old don't want all the ins and outs of Mum's life!! Not natural!
So, ?%%&$+{@#@+*&%^$#~@/........... < my 'muddle'.
It's so great to be AF. It's so great to sing, dance, learn, strive, achieve but.....it just seems worthless without friends, family and a partner to share them with. David's gone and I found a list of 'friends' that I thought would still be around in 5 years time - one made two+ years ago. All nine have vanished. And that was before I started drinking anything other than 'normally' so it wasn't that. Two have I think been 'got at' by David. But the others...?
I feel sooooh scared about there being no one to call other than my daughter if I get ill or injured. It happened when I tore a ligament in my leg and was on crutches for three months...but David was around then. And with no licence, too - I know my own b***** stupid fault. It all just seems too much responsibility on my own. I mean, I don't shun responsibility but I so want someone to 'help' with the kids. Their 'issues' at 14 and 18 seem huge ones - which Uni. Driving 5 hours at night having only been driving less than a year. Boyfriend dramas. Money worries when I have ?150 in the bank and ?33,000 of debt and staving off bankruptcy each day and can't help at all. Just someone for a hug or a face to face chat with - my best girl friend's 250 miles away and I can't even afford the b***** train ticket. Bah................! Wish I could have a Mum I could ring.
I don't even know how I will ever get out of this house - even if I could move yet I cannot afford a removal company.....did it before with David, a trailer and friends....all gone.
(I will say that most of those 'friends' were known by many 'acquaintances' to be fickle and 'a bit odd' (!) but trust me to befriend totally unsuitable bods!!! Desperation? How sad.)
Thanks for 'listening' if you've got this far... just really down and would rather not dump on you all but I know you'd be p'd with me if I went off and drank on this. I don't want to but am glad I'm (a) here and (b) got my kids coz otherwise....I know we do this for ourselves foremost but it sure helps if there's a goal to make it worthwhile and I really don't know what mine is other than being sober when 'it' comes along IF it ever does. (I have to say - worryingly maybe - that given the choice between never drinking ever again and never having a partner ever again, the drink would seriously lose! I mean, sorry, but the only thing I have ever wanted is a family - full on, him, her, and the kids..... maybe why I picked so many unsuitables - blind faith??!)
I'm just p'd coz my parents (can't even type Mum and Dad) don't want the meeting we'd planned to discuss their 'arrangements'.... They refuse to discuss anything to do with their affairs and I, as their only child, am really worried. This has been going on for 15 years (this particular topic, let alone all the rest) but as the get nearer the inevitable (82 and 86) still they pull the walls close ever tighter around themselves. I don't know their solicitor, accountant, doctor. I don't have or know if anyone has Power of Attorney. I don't know their executors. I am clearly none of them. I don't even know who will tell me they're dead if they have an accident. They ostracised me from my cousins years ago for being 'nasty ' (when I asked them not to fraternise with my ex husband who kept my elder daughter.... Let's not even go there!) and I don't even know how to get hold of any relations to tell them about a funeral if I have to. (I suspect they'll be telling me....) As for Inheritance tax - they're going to be paying over ?250,000 of it as they've done nothing to avoid it.
But it's not the money - that's always been their weapon (of mass destruction...yes!) It's the being shut out of my own family - the very thing I 've ever wanted. B*s**rds....
Yes, Rob, I know....and thanks. You're right. (In case you're trawling through this!) But it hurts today.
I've asked them to answer those questions but I'm not holding my breath and, quite frankly I think, having dreaded their death and funerals for so many years (will be soooh sad at the missed opportunities and what wasn't...), I want to consider not being there. Not worrying about them coz I can't do anything and I'm not going to be humiliated at their endings.
I just feel so damned alone. And that seems sooooh up-my-own-bum. I'm really sorry. I have so much. I know there are folk homeless and I have a roof. I have tried loving this house and all the positive affirmation stuff....but I HATE it. Things go wrong as soon as I step in the door. And my son and daughter feel the same on their own volition. But how do I move broke, bankrupt and with a criminal record????? Renting checks all those things. And I can't even do it in my daughter's name - pretty odd, eh? 50 year old woman takes out contract in 18 year old daughter's name? How on earth did I stoop/get so low????? (I mean, things have been this bad for YEARS....dare I say, you can see where the drinknig kicked in!!!!! But still my - bad - choice.)
I'm stopping there....too much. It's really helped getting it all out and down but I soooh hope I've not depressed anybody too much or you stopped before. And if I deserve a kick up the bum - here it is... FPRIVATE "TYPE=PICT;ALT=" Nothing worse than over-maudling. But I have to face this eventually. It is my biggest trigger.
Thanks for being you and being there.
Hugs FMF xx
OK. I admit I've just swapped booze for tons of things to do coz I can't face how things are.
I try to be really positive - I'm alive. I have my senses, limbs, mind (back! ).... But I hate just being in this house on my own. I get out very day just to town to walk around and have a coffee. I try to stay in the company of others as much as possible even if they are just other shoppers around me. That alone is to keep me out of my boggy brain.
I've taken up all these things and I want to do them - I've always been eager to learn and experience. But now I am tired and empty coz what's the point. I mean, every point in that the journey is life not the destination but it's like travelling a world with no people in it. The views and mountiains will always be beautiful but are they as lovely if there's no one to share them with?
I am so glad to be able to share things with everyone here but I feel I'm getting a bit OTT. I go on about my classes coz there's no one other than my daughter around to talk to and, you know, 18 year olds don't want all the ins and outs of Mum's life!! Not natural!
So, ?%%&$+{@#@+*&%^$#~@/........... < my 'muddle'.
It's so great to be AF. It's so great to sing, dance, learn, strive, achieve but.....it just seems worthless without friends, family and a partner to share them with. David's gone and I found a list of 'friends' I'd made down here and that I thought would still be around in 5 years time - one made two+ years ago. All nine have vanished. And that was before I started drinking anything other than 'normally' so it wasn't that. Two have I think been 'got at' by David. But the others...?
I feel sooooh scared about there being no one to call other than my daughter if I get ill or injured. It happened when I tore a ligament in my leg (dancing!) and was on crutches for three months...but David was around then. And me with no licence now, too - I know my own b***** stupid fault. It all just seems too much responsibility on my own. I mean, I don't shun responsibility but I so want someone to 'help' with the kids - too share the everyday concerns and celebrations. Their 'issues' at 14 and 18 seem huge ones - which Uni. Driving 5 hours at night having only been driving less than a year. Boyfriend dramas. Money worries when I have ?150 in the bank and ?33,000 of debt and staving off bankruptcy each day and can't help at all. Just someone for a hug or a face to face chat with - my best girl friend's 250 miles away and I can't even afford the b***** train ticket. Bah................! Wish I could have a Mum I could ring.
I don't even know how I will ever get out of this house - even if I could move yet I cannot afford a removal company.....did it before with David, a trailer and friends....all gone.
Thanks for 'listening' if you've got this far... just really down and would rather not dump on you all but I know you'd be p'd with me if I went off and drank on this. I don't want to but am glad I'm (a) here and (b) got my kids coz otherwise....I know we do this for ourselves foremost but it sure helps if there's a goal to make it worthwhile and I really don't know what mine is other than being sober when 'it' comes along IF it ever does. (I have to say - worryingly maybe - that given the choice between never drinking ever again and never having a partner ever again, the drink would seriously lose! I mean, sorry, but the only thing I have ever wanted is a family - full on... "him, her, and the kids"..... maybe why I picked so many unsuitables - blind faith??! But I'm not out there with it on my T-shirt!!! Ugh!)
I'm just p'd coz my parents (can't even type Mum and Dad) don't want the meeting we'd planned at the wedding to discuss their 'arrangements' after all.... They refuse to discuss anything to do with their affairs and I, as their only child, am really worried. This has been going on for 15 years (this particular topic, let alone all the rest) but as they get nearer the inevitable (82 and 86) still they pull the walls ever tighter around themselves. I don't know their solicitor, accountant, doctor. I don't have or know if anyone has Power of Attorney. I don't know their executors. I am clearly none of them. I don't even know who will tell me they're dead if they have an accident. They ostracised me from my cousins years ago for being 'nasty ' (when I asked them not to fraternise with my ex husband who kept my elder daughter.... Let's not even go there!) and I don't even know how to get hold of any relations to tell them about a funeral if I have to. (I suspect they'll be telling me....) As for Inheritance tax - they're going to be paying over ?250,000 of it as they've done nothing to avoid it. And suddenly, as the only next of kin, I will be expected (might be...WANT to be) to know everything (at least quite a lot) and deal with it..... ?!?!
But it's not the money - that's always been their weapon (of mass destruction...yes!) It's the being shut out of my own family - the very thing I've ever wanted. B*s**rds....
Yes, Rob, I know....and thanks. You're right. (In case you're trawling through this!) But it just hurts today.
I've asked them to answer those questions (all having to be done by letter of course at my father's suggestion...."No point in you coming all the way up here Darling (seven of those, creep!) - just put it in a letter") but I'm not holding my breath and, quite frankly I think, having dreaded their death and funerals for so many years (will be soooh sad at the missed opportunities and what wasn't...), I want to consider not being there. Not worrying about them coz I can't do anything and refusing to be humiliated at their endings.
I just feel so damned alone. And that seems sooooh up-my-own-bum. I'm really sorry. I have so much. I know there are folk homeless and I have a roof. I have tried loving this house and all the positive affirmation stuff....but I HATE it. Things go wrong as soon as I step in the door. And my son and daughter feel the same on their own volition. But how do I move broke, possibly bankrupt and with a criminal record????? Renting checks all those things. And I can't even do it in my daughter's name - pretty odd, eh? 50 year old woman takes out contract in 18 year old daughter's name? How on earth did I stoop/get so low????? (I mean, things have been this bad financially for YEARS....dare I say, you can see where the drinking kicked in!!!!! But still my - bad - choice.) (Just realised - we do pick 'em! Some might pick alcoholic after alcoholic...I picked lazy, broke people; ex hubby #2 went under for ?37,000 after I gave him ?140,000 of my money to save him. And David?...well, we know about his financial accumen and commitment! Change needed there in me then!) (Sorry, seems to be 'OK' dumping on people in Cyberspace but it still seems not very kind...! Vibes and all that...)
I'm stopping there....too much. It's really helped getting it all out and down but I soooh hope I've not depressed anybody too much or you stopped before. And if I deserve a kick up the bum - here it is... :moon: Nothing worse than over-maudling. But I have to face this eventually. It is my biggest trigger.
Thanks for being you and being there.
Hugs FMF xx
c: :heart:
nothing wrong with a bit of the 'ol intrigue :bigwink:
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