OK I'm in a muddle...

[Niblet]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Aww,, Finding, You say it the way it is and we all can sure appreciate that !!
You are doing so amazing for yourself !! Keep up the good work !!

[nancy]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Hey Finding

As you can see you are not alone in loneliness.
I think it is a problem related to the way people live today.

Much of life revolves around a significant other.

I hope you try not to dwell on it.

[Finding My Self]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Nancy thanks.... Yes. It's odd isn't it. I mean not so long ago (50years) folk seemed to accept getting married for ever was the way to go. So they did (on the whole and I know, I know...!!) but womenfolk very much did their thing with their roles and friends and menfolk did theirs. Sometimes even living in separate bedrooms and, of course, with long separations because of wars...But there was that commited link always there. Now we want to live in each other's pockets. And yet without any sort of commitment! A bit of a turn round. I guess too, I just want to know what it feels like to have someone totally commited to me..and who actually wants my commitment to them. Um, bit unfair to expect someone to fill the gaps left by my own parents; if they didn't why should someone else? (Um, I think that's come out in a bit of a telling way?!?!?)

Perhaps it's the more to do with the fact that, well, certainly for me, we're looking for that significant other to fill the space left by the disintegration of the family? So many of us live miles away from lots of the special folk in our lives - mums, dads, siblings, kids etc. Also we suffer from a sense of lost identity? I don't know about elsewhere in the world but there is a real explosion in TV programmes/books here about Finding Your Roots... "Who Do You Think You Are" is a firm favourite here with 'celebs' spending a while tracing their roots and who always seem to end up in tears of relief when they find out "who they are"... And noticeable it might be the only time you see that particular person ever show emotion publicly; must be meaning a lot! I certainly know precious little about my roots.... "We don't talk about them" is my P's line. B****** snobs! (They had folk like shopkeepers and Irish relatives (big tick from me!) down the line....how terrible!!!! (?!) They, of course, only talk about the ones who made money!!! ? I've tried a bit of research and it is very anchoring!

So, yes, you're so right.... a special person in my life must never be about expecting them to fill that hole of self 'missing'..... Guess I 'should' have lived 50 years earlier! I think I imagined living life around life as a-couple-with-lots-of-friends-and-family...if you get what I mean. Hmmmm, I got 'stuff' to work out...

I hope my rambling epistle has been a little bit helpful... it's been so great to get feedback on it. Thanks again so much. I guess I've always wanted to be like my dearest (elderly) cousin. Travels all round the globe visiting friends and sends/receives over 350 Christmans cards each year.....by heaven she works (*) at her friendships and I am in awe of the joy and support she gives to so many people (and, of course, receives back.) It the light of that it seems such a darned waste to be 'lonely'!!!! (having said which she was widowed at 53 and I've occasionally hoped it wasn't just a coping mechanism - I mean she's totally genuine but I hope she's not feeling too sad underneath...) (*) it seems folk don't realise that that comes with the territory and would rather not bother....sad. (Like not meaning us here but, you know, you ring a pal to see about getting together and they say, "Not sure, I'll give you a ring if I'm free...." What's that about?!?! Yes or no will do! Not see whether anything better comes along!!!)

Dog, I need to chill out a bit don't I?!?!?!?! No wonder I'm on my own; just toooooo intense. And I was told that by a great teacher over 25 years ago too.....!! Sorreeeee all!

Well, off to milk the day! I hope you'all have good ones with unexpected meetings with something/one friendly!!!

Love
FMF xx

[wantrealmeaning]

OK I'm in a muddle...

FMF, you are lovely and so not alone on your aloneness as you can see from the posts on your thread. god bless you, i am sending you a massive cyber hug.

i'm a single parent of 3 brilliant kids aged 14, 13 & 11. i love the way you have expressed yourself, i wish i could. the only time i feel i can is when i've had a drink. i have always relied on alcohol for that and i am at a loss as to who i am without it. i have so much i would like to share with all of you wonderful people, its all so jumbled up inside of me though, the only time i feel i can make any sense of it is when i have a drink. i feel like a broken jigsaw puzzle.

i can so relate to everything you have expressed in your post. you come across as a very warm and caring person and you have helped me a lot without even knowing it.
i know my post doesn't help, i just wanted to send you :l :l :l and to let you know you are in my thoughts.
want :h

[Finding My Self]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Oh yes it has helped, Want.... A beeeg hug from me to you too! :l

And hugs all round.

:l :l :l

FMF x

[Beaches]

OK I'm in a muddle...

FMF,
Thanks for taking the time to share this. Times certainly have changed from 50 years ago with marriages. Even looking at my grandparents marriage and mine is like night and day. They hold the very traditional values where my grandmother basically does everything for him and that doesn't happen in my house. She always comments on what a wonderful person my husband is when she sees him picking up the house and in my head I'm thinking why isn't this happening more HA
I hope that you find Mr. Right and hey give that old flame a call, what's the harm?

[nancy]

OK I'm in a muddle...

I think you are right about the changes in relationships over the years. Do you remember a while back, a study came out showing people have fewer confidants than they did years ago.

see this link:
Americans Have Fewer Friends Outside the Family, Duke Study Shows

I think people are more spread out geographically and people are very busy. I read an article that talked about the decline in relationships, and the reliance on the significant other to meet most emotional needs. It's a shift that has taken place in society. i guess there used to be more intimacy in relationships beyond this love relationship. So of course, if you don't have that main relationship, life can seem very lonely. but it also puts a lot of pressure on the main relationship, if you have one.

[satori]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Finding,

Sorry I'm coming in here so late in the thread!

Loneliness is a very common problem - especially these days as Nancy has pointed out. Society is changing - and individuals tend not to have the contact with the extended family that was the norm generations ago.

I'm not sure what the answer is - rushing into relationships to "fill the gap" is not the answer, that is for sure.
I'm with our Scottish lady friend here - I believe these things will probably happen when you least expect it - and the wider your social "exposure" the more likely you are to meet someone with whom you "click".

As for dealing with the emotions associated with loneliness - the same advice applies as I always give - thoroughly examine the feelings - without the normal anguished mental dialogue!
Works every time - but - you have to actually work at it regularly!

For added effect, if I am feeling really down - I go out into the big outside world, whether it is raining or fine, and just LOOK!
Intently!
Really SEE everything as if it were for the first time ever.

Every leaf is a beautiful, wonderful thing - absolutely perfect.
Every living thing is beautifully adapted and perfectly suited for the way it lives. Look at the beauty and perfection in a bee, a flower, a crab - or the slimy beauty and perfection of a slug!
After a while you will realise - everyliving thing in this world is inherently perfect - just exactly the way it is - and it doesn't know it!








So are you!


Love :l

Satori
xxx

[Guest]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Beautiful post, satori.........thank you.

Starlight Impress x

[rustop61]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Finding, thank you so much for sharing with us.

You are a wonderful person and I so enjoy reading your posts. A big cyber hug to you. I too am an only child and even though I have a wonderful hubby of 23 years and two children there is a void and a lonliness there where my family should be. Both my parents are dead and I had a dysfunctional childhood so when my Dad died 10 years ago a part of me thought oh well there goes all the agro I can now be completely happy. Yet I continued to drink, why? It's as if there is something in my background not allowing me to be happy. I have recently started on-line therapy and writing down things has helped so much. I have a long way to go yet.

I guess we all need to feel loved and even though our children do love us we still crave that parental love and my heart goes out to you with what you have to deal with with your own parents. The big disadvantage of being an only child is not having a sibling to share the problems with you. I really noticed that when my Mom died when I was 17. I treated my in-laws as I would my own family but boy was that a mistake and has caused me great hurt. We are all your cyber friends and continue to share with us, we are all there for you.

Rustop

[Finding My Self]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Everyone - I am so grateful for your posts... I am very glad it has opened up a discussion for so many of us and I hope everyone is getting as much as I am!!

Thanks Satori for reminding us of such lovely Eastern wisdom.... (and, Aw, thanks!! And about not getting drawn into NAMD - Normal Anguished Mental Dialogue...um, you can probably tell I am sooooooooooooh not good at that - yet!!!

I spent the afternoon with a girlfriend stripping wallpaper - fun and lovely. Happy!

(Haven't rung Mr A yet - feeling pretty exhausted actually today and will ring tomorrow but text tonight to say Hi................. If he's the same as I remember he's a pretty high octane energy guy...and I'm not feeling Tigger-ish enough today!!)(Who me, looking after me when there's a guy involved?!?! Weird!)

Love FMF xx

[wakupmom]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Hi FMF and all,
Really enjoyed the latest posts,it is truley amazing how so many people from all corners,and walks can share such deep feelings and contribute so much warmth.Its almost spiritual-lovely.
Yes i do belief that you are most likely to meet that special some one when you least expect it.I have also felt that unless you are happy with yourself you do not have much to offer(my own experience)I f you are at peace with your self you give out appealing vibes.
Satori, the way you describe looking for goy and beauty in life from nature was very uplifting.Its there free for all,you just need to open your eyes.
Feel another tear.Good ,sober,tears FMF and bless you for your thoughts.
Hugs to all of you xx
FMF Hope you will feel more rested tomorrow,That tigger will come!! xx

[Finding My Self]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Thanks WUM... Hope the tears were ok again...

Sadly still feel so sore - reminded me of homeopathy and will get Rhus Tox later which is good for stiffness (of mind, body and spirit) which I 'suffer' from loads. Always have since childhood. (Me from the body and everyone else from my mind and sprirt!!!) No Flamenco for me tonight; hurts too much..poo!

Just a link on the subject in hand - Flip's Real Age post of today..... I'm actually depressed now too!! I know it's only a quiz but.... I thought I'd be 'young' now....good weight, excercise, BP, diet, no driving (!), never smoked, tests and checks, family history etc etc and I was only a year younger than I really am (most were years younger!!) and lower life exptectancy than I would have thought....i.e. I'm really 49.9(9999!) but test put me 48 and currently living to 77 but if I sorted out &/or was blessed with all the home/job/friends/partner stuff I would drop and raise to being 37 and live to 88.5............... So a regular cuddle gains you 22.5 years!! (11 to look forward to.)

So maybe this thread is important after all!

Love FMF xx

[satori]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Yep Finding - a regular cuddle may well help you live longer - but worrying and stressing about where that cuddle is going to come from will kill you! .

Relax - Chill - Calm down - take it easy....................meditate even???

You know it makes sense

Love n' hugs :l


Satori

xxx

[Finding My Self]

OK I'm in a muddle...

Thanks Satori - I know you'll always come up with the thing I most need to learn! (And I really mean that - you're the tops.)

Help, I am really coming over as desperate aren't I?!? Not THAT desperate honest - I don't think - just being back nearer 'home' would probably crack it for me really.... so onwards with those plans.

Satori - have a good trip. I'll 'allow' meditation p'raps today (p'raps?) but not in this house - I'll find a kind place... but my mind's on ice...

The parent's sh*t has really escalated to ginormous proportions with today's mail... Off to town to find soup for my soul... must be soup-season in the cafes by now...

Love
FMF xx (B***** lost them again!!)