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**Determinatrix** · September 20, 2007, 07:23 PM

My husband (rambling sorry)

Newjen,

While this site is not a blog, you can recall all your dated posts. And the drinktracker is a wonderful tool for finding patterns. This site will help you get feedback from those who have been in your shoes and are able to reach out a guiding hand to you for the path ahead. You will also be amazed at how gratifying it is to meet someone who is a few steps behind you that are will be able to help guide.

You can do this!
Dx

**Lucy Van Pelt** · September 20, 2007, 07:38 PM

My husband (rambling sorry)

Newjen-

Hi. You didn't mention whether your husband is a drinker, but it doesn't sound like he is. That is a good thing. However, in his desire to be supportive, and "not upset the apple cart" it sounds like he inadvertantly is also part of the problem. Sometimes it is called an "enabler" although I hate labels. However, as well meaning as he is, it is obviously not helpful to you if he comes home with wine. Ultimately, your consumption, or not, is going to be up to you, and having a spouse yell, scream or threaten is not helpful either. But his behavior now seems to encourage your continuance. It may be up to YOU to set some parameters for him. If, and when, you are ready, you may need to ask him not to buy you wine anymore (maybe not even when you ask him in the future to do so), and to let your drinking be something you are soley responsible for. For me, I found that only when drinking was between me and myself, and those I asked help of (i.e. other drinkers successfully not drinking) was I able to find any success.

Hope this is helpful

Beth

**nancy** · September 20, 2007, 07:55 PM

My husband (rambling sorry)

It's hard to tell from internet posts, but your husband sounds quite reserved maybe passive. I don't think that is the same thing as enabling. And he might not know a lot about drinking problems. some think it is possible to just cut down when there is an issue and it isn't a big deal. he might genuinely not know much about alcoholism. then on the other extreme you have the AA folks who insist on immediate abstinence.

you probably need to communicate more strongly to him what it is you are struggling with. and if he is passive and reserved, ask him specifically not to bring alcohol back for you. also, maybe he does have deeper worries about you but is not able to articulate them. maybe that isn't his personality style? does he open up about other things? or does he tend to be silent.

**bootcampbarbie** · September 20, 2007, 08:13 PM

My husband (rambling sorry)

well, it is interesting that he doesn't say anything. my husband actually confronted me about my drinking awhile ago and said get something done as it is driving us apart and that is even though we did talk all the time too. and it was because i could down two bottles ina nite but he didn't drink. however, when i'm drinking i'm in my own world. he would go to bed like your hubby at 11 pm. but i'd stay up til all hours and he'd know it. i mean it would keep him up with worry. he says he can't sleep when i'm not there. so, i'm just puzzled by your hubby. how can he sleep with you not there? how can he not notice that you aren't really there when you are in the wine? my hubby says it is so much more enjoyable when i'm present. is your hubby afraid to confront you? sorry if this is rambling. i'm just thinking about you as i'm writing. my best bootsie

**Bluebell** · September 20, 2007, 08:17 PM

My husband (rambling sorry)

I am scared to stop because I cant imagine life without alcohol

If I were you, I would be more scared of imagining life continuing the way it is with alcohol.

Your husband sounds as if he just wants to keep you happy. And if that means buying you wine, well, he will. I think it's up to you to take responsibility for your own consumption and just tell him you don't want him to buy it. The money you are spending on booze could go towards your debts, you know this. You say you "just can't stop". I thought that I "just couldn't stop" either and just thought that "oh well, this is what I'm like"..... well, I don't care if I am going to sound like a Campral bore here but, honestly, Campral works. I didn't want to see my family heading down the toilet, moneywise, relationship wise, children being given a rough ride through no fault of their own, etc, etc, etc.

If I can turn the tables...... you sure as hell can. It's you who has to make the effort.

**Prest4time** · September 20, 2007, 08:24 PM

My husband (rambling sorry)

Hi Newjen...
just a fellow member here, but I have been doing the cognitive therapy since March, and I would highly recommend it. It has helped not only with this battle, but with my marriage, relationships, boundries, etc. Would highly recommend it.

All the best!

**satori** · September 21, 2007, 02:43 AM

My husband (rambling sorry)

Newjen,

Hi

I too couldn't imagine life without alcohol when I first arrived here.

But - I did what everyone here suggested and didn't think past the end of the day!
I just got up in the morning and said to myself - "I am NOT gonna drink today" (and meant it!)
Sometimes I would be thinking "I'm not gonna drink till I clear out this drawer" or "until I've been for a run for 45 minutes" or whatever it took at that moment to stay alcohol free.

If you start to think about the rest of your life without alcohol - it becomes an overwhelming task and you get scared of failure - so you never start.

It is a much easier task to think about no alcohol for the next hour!

You will be amazed at how quickly the alcohol free time mounts up - especially as you are keeping busy. That is key - in the early days, plan every waking minute so you KNOW what you are going to be doing - idle hands often leads to sitting down with a glass!

As time goes on - you will come to feel normal without alcohol - and the obsessive planning of your time will no longer be required.

Your hubby sounds like he wants to make you happy by giving you what you want - well - tell him what would make you really happy would be if he didn't bring you any more wine and instead helped you to stop drinking!

Go for it girl!

Best of luck

Love :l

Satori
xxx

**newjen** · September 21, 2007, 07:45 AM

My husband (rambling sorry)

Thank you everyone for your comments and thoughts. My hubby certainly does want me to be happy, he is like that with everyone he knows. Maybe he is passive, havent thought about it like that.

I will sit him down and have an honest discussion about it.

Re: Cognitive behaviour therapy, I bought a book today that i am going to read through to get an idea about what it is all about.

Thanks everyone

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