Fucked up and Scared

[MarryJ]

Another day off work-another isolated time, which i so look forward to (off work) and then am lonely out of my mind. Woke up with good intentions. I so want to stop this. I feel really scared. I don't know if i can buck up. My alcholoism is my best friend, my worst enemy. Very hard to kick this thing alone. Paradoxically, drinking makes me isolate. Went to an AA meeting on Thursday night. Great speaker. I am so self concious at the meetings. Have all the symptons-my case is different/scared to death of rejection.Never been a "joiner", prefer 1 on 1 or to be alone. People bug me. And, this is really weird, but, I hate getting dressed, getting in my car, looking for parking and then exposing myself due to my case is differnt and rejection terrifies me...I hate LA traffic..I would much rather be in my boxer shorts and my T-shirt, having a glass of Zin. Really, i hate getting dressed. Where is that girl that i was? AA was my savior, and then not. I never could join in with the fellowship or get a sponser that i trusted. I knew i belonged and my seat was well deserved, but my first sponser was not supportive and my second was not a good fit. I pick sponsers like i pick boyfriends-WOW, yeah, you seem great! uhh, red flag, naw, i'm into you!+ i read that Chuck C. never had a sponser so my brilliant thinking thought, well then, i don't need one either. It's very tricky picking a sponser. Lots of times people don't walk like they talk. I'm ashamed to say, i have become one of them. The only reqirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Was a member for 16 years. Been drinking for 10, how time flies when you're drunk and in denial. Now i'm 48 years old. No health problems, no responsibilities other than going to my job, which i hate/love. I'm a waitress-quit my job of 19 years, now i'm at a new place-a little fish in a little pond. Love it because it's been my 6th job in 6 months that is finally allowing me to pay my bills, fill up my gas tank, basically not be broke. Hate it because, it's boreing, my boss is a bit of a jerk, my co-workers are fucked up to varying degress, which i'm sure they have the same opinion about me. Would really like to apply my 170 college credits towards a more satisfying line of work. NOT open my own restaurant, which is what all my well intentioned friends tell me. Anybody else out there full of potential with no direction?
Bottom line-I don't want to die...yet. Anyone who relates, let me know.

[Determinator]

Fucked up and Scared

Marry, I can certainly relate about hating LA traffic!!

Wecome to a great community here.

not to play internet shrink but sounds like you have some anxiety and self esteem issues...which makes you...(drumroll please....) just like a good deal of us here!

I drifted too much in my life also...being under the booze cloud and feeling left out. This year has been my awakening and it's largely been a really good year. I guess I just got sick of being sick and tired all of the time, dissapointing my lovely wife and just feeling foggy. It's frightening I'll admit. Especially at first, but very much worth it.
Hope you find your answers here

[Breez]

Fucked up and Scared

Bottom line is...what do you want....to live & grow or to die & rot.


Two choices...sorry to say but WELCOME!

But I have been there done that. Have tried everything to quit from trying to convince myself I could moderate (to much effort & time & then failing) to quiting over & over with effortless attempts to attain what I want.

Well it came down to this-a plan & a goal. Small at first. Each day is to awaken to a day say "today I choose not to drink." Read RJ's book. Many of us tweak the program.

I wish you success..:l

[Breez]

Fucked up and Scared

ditto to deter!:thumbs:

[Niblet]

Fucked up and Scared

Hello Marry, have you looked into taking any of the supps suggested by MWO... I found that Kudzu sold by MWO is very helpful in curbing cravings.. Read lots and ask lots of questions... Nobody gets a failing grade here and I hope you find all you are looking for and more.. Welcome to you

[paula]

Fucked up and Scared

Hi Marryj,
I too went to AA, found it difficult to share my story, as they expect in AA. I did choose
a sponsor, and we both left AA and now sponsor each other (8 years). The moral of the
story is that AA is great, but not for everyone. So stick around MWO, read the book, read the post and get as much help as you need. Take it one day at a time.
Wishing you well Paula.

[IAD]

Fucked up and Scared

They say that 20% of the people that go to AA are taken care of. Not good odds. Let's hang on and see if we can help each other out ! IAD

[Finding My Self]

Fucked up and Scared

Marry hello....

I so recognise the Fear Fog that comes from drinking. Dare I sat I can even recognise it through the way you type your post.... BUT, as Niblet says, there are no fail grades here, just belief in you.

So, the one thing I got from AA was 'one day at a time'.... one flaming minute at a time if it comes to it at first! Day by day the fog cleared and so much just changed.. just like that. THEN I could see the way to go better.

I really look forward to reading how your posts change to being happy and flowing - like sooooh many others here. You've come to a place of huge support and wisdom. These guys are awesome!!

Grab anything you can to help - book, supps, meds, CD's - whatever it takes. Keep busy, drink loads and loads of water, sweet tea/coffee initially to keep sugar levels up (alcohol had them sky high and often it's sugar craving at first not actually alcohol), chocolate (alcohol tastes foul after that!) but cerals and other slow release sugars too. After a week or so you can drop that away and really begin to eat little and often but just GOOD food!

Good luck to you Marry - stick at it, post and post and read and read. It really is worth it. YOU CAN DO THIS.

Love FMF xx
(120 days - see, they DO add up!!!)

[Guest]

Fucked up and Scared

Hi Marryj and welcome.
Sounds like you most definitely haven`t found the comfort or support you need at AA........probably due to you being more of a private person.

I`m 42, and like yourself, I know I`ve wasted yrs. of my life, just drifting along doing nothing much besides drinking. But looking back over our past lives is a futile exercise, as we can`t change any of it.

We have to consider what we have to work with, and that is the present and the future........when we put the drink out of our lives, a whole wealth of opportunities open up to us.

I hope you find success with M.W.O.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[Deilight]

Fucked up and Scared

Hey Marry!

The problem with potential and no direction is that there seem to be too many directions! My opinion as a person with great potential, struggling with direction and many self esteem and other issues! Don't have direct advice but let's just say I feel more focused and more "directed" since being sober. Yes, drinking can be (used to be) my best friend and my (now)worst enemy. I think one needs to realise when it's no longer your friend and ONLY your enemy. I hope you find some support here- you don't have to get dressed or deal with traffic! Don't isolate too much though - not always a good thing.

Good luck and we hope to see you back.