Feeling low

[cookinghappy]

Two Sundays ago, my husband finally let rip and said he was fed up with my drinking. Sadly we'd both had a bit to drink that evening so I can't remember every thing he said. Nevertheless, and although it was an unpleasant row, I am SO GLAD he did so. I've never understood how he silently puts up with what I consider to be my unacceptable habits of knocking back the wine, and vomiting every night. It's as if I wanted a reaction from him. At least I know he was being real. He's a wonderful and gentle man who bends over backwards to make me happy. Sometimes I think that's the problem: he hates conflict, and perhaps prefers to let me maintain an unhealthy lifestyle rather than to face the battles.

Anyway, this shook me up and I stopped drinking on the Monday. Wasn't really sure what I was aiming for in the long term. Just knew I had to stop. Thought about drinking each evening, but achieved a mindset of determination (and motivation to make his life better) so that I resisted. Was amazed that it wasn't half as hard as I'd expected. He stopped with me. (Generally, he only drinks moderately so he didn't have a prob. with this). On Thursday, had big desire to drink. He said 'you've done so well, don't drink today, then we can both drink at the weekend'. Was a bit shocked when he said this, but then reflected that if I could decrease from 7 nights a week to 2 it wouldn't be bad and might actually keep me going. The thought of AF permanently always makes me crack. So Friday and Sat we drank, me as much as ususal. Drank as well on Sunday night. Monday really had to pull myself together to get back into the AF discipline, but with his help, I did it. Did great all week again. Started to enjoy parts of what life is like AF.

This weekend drank again Fri, sat, sun, but then he and I had a big argument which left me feeling completely battered. He said things like maybe we should get a divorce, and said I was a leech, sapping him of all his energy. I was so hurt and frightened. Last night (Monday) I just felt 'F. it!' and had wine again. He's since apologised and said he didn't realise how fragile I am at the moment (am also pre-menstrual ...). He said he was a pig and that there's no way he wants a divorce, he was just feeling desparate and wants us to be happy. But we never argue and we were so unpleasant to one another, I can't shake off this low, crushed, sad feeling. I also think it's important that he talks to me which he won't do if he thinks it sends me into a depression or makes me drink. I've told him I think we should have one rule, which he agrees is good, and that is that we agree only to talk about serious relationship-type problems when we are sober.

I'm not sure exactly what I expect any of you to say to me. I just feel sad and overwhelmed that I'm never going to be truly happy. I have lovely healthy (but stress-inducing) children and a lovely husband, but I'm lonely in terms of good girlfriends, I'm overweight and hate being so, I have bulemia to fight, alchohol to fight and money's tight at the moment.

I suppose I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I don't have the right to knowing what some of you go through, but I suppose I'm not saying I do have the right, I'm just saying how I feel.

[Finding My Self]

Feeling low

Hey Cooking - Just to say I've read your post and am sending a hug...

What's going on? You sound like you've been really happy for a while - if not always (obviously the inevitable arguments we all have in a marriage). I know the lack of girlfriends thing and other concerns and, boy, do I know the strain money puts on things.... could your hubby be 'suffering' form a sort of (I think healthy!) hunter-gatherer lack of self-esteem...in that, most (my ex-husband didn't seem to care which is which I say this) hubbies feel really down (guilty) if their 'mate and young' aren't getting all he so wants to provide for them?

Also, is the vomiting down to the wine or the bulimia? Two different things just meeting in the middle? I know you've had a 'challenge' with this for many years... are you getting support and counselling still with it; these things tend to come and go over time... they sort of come back in a different gear and need a fresh look from time to time... I guess hubby must be so wanting you to feel good enough about yourself to stop it because he loves you... It's hard to see your loved one go on beating themselves up over something...
(N.B. NO guilt trip intended...)

And never understimate the power of these B****** hormones.... I sooooh wish someone would really take them seriously and help us women out and through that our families; it's getting worse (too much stimulation and demand in life plus the hormones that are pumped into our foods...) and families are really suffering. By the time 'it passes' it can be too late - so, if it looks like it's cyclical with them (or becomes so) REALLY hang in there and get all the help you can... (Going AF/cutting right back does help hormones).

I think you're so right to not speak of these things with ANY booze in either of you... really wise. And you sound to me as if you love each other deeply, and your children... Focus on that and know that any row leaves us really bruised and shocked (take Arnica - even for this) for a while and maybe it was a really deep row because of both of your decisions to go mostly AF... stuff's going to come out from both of you retrospectively so let it fly by and find it's rest behind you...focus on your new, brighter, sober future...

I am coming to the conclusion that booze in anyone affects the drinker more than we'd dare know.... even the 3 glasses a week of the 'normal drinker'... or, at least, I am amazed at the huge change in dynamics that one or both stopping or just cutting back creates.... Big question!

I just want you to know you're being thought about big time and let us know how it's going wont you? We're here for you....post away - vent and dump; don't cart it about on your own.

Love and hugs
FMF xx

[Finding My Self]

Feeling low

And PS - is not having any girlfriends to do with being in Belgium...like away from home coz of jobs? If we can help you get to the UK meet up?...would that help any? It's tough being miles from friends - even just geography isolates us in our mind... I feel that about Cornwall (as you've gathered!); even though it's not far like Belgium, it's b**** miles when you have to look at trains/flights etc and not just jump in the car and nip round the corner for a coffee!

Hang in there, love...
Feet xx

[paula]

Feeling low

Hi Cooking, I can certainly identify with your low mood this morning.
I can't add to the good advice FMF.gave you. I feel so low I'm finding
it hard to type. Hope you feel better soon.
Paula.xx

[Finding My Self]

Feeling low

Paula....? Love? Hey, deep breaths...
jump up and down 6 times - get the blood flowing a bit...
force your face into a smile and hold it...don't worry about feeling smiley; it'll just 'help' something to change inside.
Then get outside or just find the biggest distance you can look at of of the window...an look at it and out yourself there...
if you can walk out there even better.
I hope it lifts a bit - lot - soon. We all get these days and they're FOUL! GRRRRRR!
This too will pass -
Cooking - I so hope you're doing ok too...let's all jump up and down together?...
Love FMF xx

[Beaches]

Feeling low

Hi Cooking,
Sorry you are having such a rough time right now and Paula you too. OK FMF we will all jump up and down together.

Cooking I think I would have felt a bit knocked off center myself if I had been going without alcohol all week then my husband threw divorce in my face. That's just odd.

One thing that really stood out to me though was that you said you would stop drinking for him. You need to stop drinking for yourself. To feel good about yourself. For no one else but you. Once you do that all the other pieces will come together.

Wishing you peace and calmness.

[cookinghappy]

Feeling low

Thank you for all your thoughts.

I know it's fashionable to say we should do something for ourselves and not for other people. I can hear myself saying it too. Maybe that's part of the problem: a lack of self esteem, and a lack of self love. I've never managed to do much good stuff for me. I stopped smoking for my baby when I was pregnant with my first, and now I want to stop drinking for my husband and my children. At this stage, I don't actually mind what motivates me. The only thing I care about today is not drinking. And I'm so glad I no longer smoke. I think and hope the self esteem will come later. Then maybe I'll be able to lose weight for ME!

Went to see my therapist today. She said that lots of lifestyle changes like giving up drink etc. get to a bad stage at 2 weeks. Don't know why this should be. She said (which I think is true) that I'm very good at self-sabotage. I can see this when last night I said 'Fxxx it I'm going to drink'. What I must say is 'hold on to the good I achieved in the last two weeks and keep it up. Don't go back to drinking using the row as a justification'

There certainly is an awful lot of love in my marriage and my family. I do think we need to talk more. I just hope I can get my husband to talk openly when not drinking. I think maybe he needs the lack of inhibitions that booze gives.

I do have friends here. It's just that people keep moving on all the time. It's that kind of x-pat society, and I don't really feel that I have anyone here just like me (similar interests, background, humour etc.).

hubby so wants me to feel good enough about myself to stop it because he loves me. Your are right FMF. I think that's why he gets exasperated. He sees me unhappy and then sees me not doing anything about it. He feels impotent that he can't make things better. So that's why I've got to do the wine thing and keep at it. My next battle is the bulemia. A good thing is that when I don't drink I don't eat so much at dinner. I need to stop cooking fattening meals, then I wouldn't want to vomit. I always want to vomit so that I don't get fatter. I had the bulemia before the wine addiction, but I no longer have it in the nervous 'unwell' way I used to. Now it's more of a bad habit. A way of 'having my cake and eating it too'.

Paula, your supportive yet SO sad message made me feel so sad. What's wrong? Are you feeling any better yet?

Thank you all.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

Feeling low

cooking

Your message really touched me.

I can relate on so many levels (or I should say....could relate). Years ago, I was in your shoes. I had an eating disorder, while drinking, small kids, and a husband who generally did not like to make waves. Also, financial issues. I was a stay at home mom at the time. It was a really awful time in my life. However, reading your post, I was so glad to hear that your husband is making waves now, because that is really important (mine held it inside until he blew and left the marriage..it was terrrible). So, you are going through muck, but necissary muck to get to the other side. I believe this. You were VERY smart to suggest to your husband not to have those important conversations when drinking!!! What a waste that is!!! I also think it is wonderful you are in counseling and actually sharing with your counselor your drinking issues and (I think?) your eating disorder. By the way, I have found both disorders VERY commonly go hand in hand for women (weird, since alcohol has calories, but true none the less). It is so much about stress release and control, and also a HABIT. Anyway, be honest with your husband. Sounds like there is a lot of love there, and he is now being open with you. Tell him you are coming here. Tell him you recognize a problem and are trying to get a handle on it. Maybe (If you are really bold) have him get on here on the "family of the drinker" forum.

In any case, keep coming here. So many of us have been where you are. I am many years past the eating disorder. I am happy and 12 years re-married. Took me many more years to get a handle on the drinking but seems I am finally getting there as well.

With love

Beth

[Accountable for Me]

Feeling low

cooking, have you seen your doctor at all? Only because you are battling more than the alcohol. Bulimia and depression could be underlying issues for your drinking. Being someone who has dealt with these issues, I know all to well that sometimes we need assistance outside of our home. Something to think about anyway.

[betty boop]

Feeling low

Cooking, This is probably way off track, but when I got myself out of drinking every day my hubby went really strange, he turned into a total control freak. You see he thought that I didn't need him anymore, I could look after myself. In the end he said that he was frightened to lose me now I was in control and it freaked him out a bit.

He almost drove me back to the bottle but I couldn't give the satisfaction.

I do have to add that we are OK now .....

Big hugs coming your way .:l :l :l :l

[corky]

Feeling low

Hi Cooking,
Sorry for your troubles. Sounds like you're starting to get a handle on reducing your drinking. Are you taking the supps, doing the hypno, etc? Unlike you, my husband and I argue a lot. Always have, but usually over stupid stuff, rarely serious. I think talking helps a lot. We find if we clear the air and find out what the other thinks it takes a lot of the anger and stress away. Hope you two can do it more often - sober is definitely a good idea.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. (you too, Paula). I hope to be able to go Mon - Fri sober and no more than 2 glasses of wine in one weekend night. Waiting for all the goodies to arrive before I start. Want all the ammo against the beast at once.