Suicide?

[wantrealmeaning]

Suicide?

how are you today beatle?

i don't know you, but you are obviously loved very much by people on this site, they care so much and are so worried about you.
i am just coming out of a suicidal depression and i am so glad i didn't act on those thoughts and feelings. i have three children and i'm all they have got, unknown to them they have helped keep me alive. its such a scary, lonely place to be where you are at the moment but please believe that you are not alone.....you will get better beatle. i'm sure deep down you know your kids would never NEVER get over losing you if you acted on those feelings, i know how painful it is but hang on with all you can and please please believe that you will get better.

i've been to the doctors this morning to get some more anti d's...........on my way back i went into my favourite church and lit 3 candles.......1 for my friend who died last year.........1 for everyone at MWO and their families (I've read a lot of gut wrenching/heartbreaking stories since joining this site)..........the last one i lit for you beatle and prayed for the burden that your feeling right know to be lifted so you can gather some strength to talk to your husband and get to the doctors.

i am only 10 days af, but that's the longest for me in 6 yrs, i'm starting to feel a bit more accepting of my self worts and all, i know it's a mega long bumpy road but i'm just starting to realise that i deserve to be on it and so do you.

i hope you realise just how brave you are for being so honest with how you're feeling beatle, i believe this thread will help a lot of people.

one last thing, i've just remembered something Sinead O'Connor said years ago 'suicide isn't an option when you have kids' and that's so true.

i'm sending you big strong hugs :l :l :l

love want
xxxxxx

[beatle]

Suicide?

Thanks for reminding me about the exercise and diet-- I'm off to get some endorphins going (a brisk walk) and some lunch. Thanks all for caring so much.

[memarcie]

Suicide?

Beatle, I'm happy to see you are here today. I believe exercise and diet will help as well. I tell myself that all the time, but don't follow through. Have you ever tried Effexor for an anti-d? I was on that and it helped me. I know there are many anti d's out there.

Try seeing a different psychologist and counselor, it takes people a while to find the "right" one.

:l

[beatle]

Suicide?

wantrealmeaning, thank you for your post (ours crossed).

I'm not religious but I appreciate your lighting that candle for me, it means a lot to me.

It reminded me of when I lived in London a few years ago and I was feeling desolate about my life. I went into a small church, St Martins I think it was, there was a chapel or some small room, I hardly can remember, but I also lit a candle and prayed and cried. It felt strange to me, but somehow right. I felt it marked a turn in events in a mystical kind of way.

[beatle]

Suicide?

memarcie, yes I tried Effexor. No good for me. How are you dealing with depression now?

I have seen over 10 different therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists. I liked one therapist personally, in fact we became buddies, but he wasn't much help with my mental health (athough he is a great friend). Otherwise, I believe my problems are too stubborn for anyone to help me with. I can't solve anything, it's a matter of accepting things... Very difficult.

But now, really, I must get out for that walk...

[memarcie]

Suicide?

Beatle, once I stopped drinking for several months, the depression lifted. i started to feel better and although I've started drinking again(not nearly as much as before), I am still doing well and stopped the anti d's at the beginning of this year.

A walk is a good thing and take it one day at a time just like everything else. Are there things you like to do? Anything special with the kids? Any hobbies? Doing something you enjoy may help improve your mood.

[satori]

Suicide?

Beatle - since you find Buddhist philosophy makes some sense, remember that thoughts are NOT the real you.
Thoughts come and go like clouds drifting across the sky. They are ephemeral and impermanent and ultimately totally meaningless.

Just as we do not get obsessed about trying to catch or follow real clouds - which we know is ultimately a futile ambition - we should try not to get caught up in and follow our thoughts either. Especially when these thoughts are unhelpful / destructive ones.

Obviously we need to thnk in order to plan our lives, get the shopping done etc so they are useful in that context, and it is clear when we are controlling our thoughts for a purpose - these kind of controlled thoughts are tools they are OK - it is the unwanted random thoughts that pop into existence without you asking for them that we need to view in this way.

Try to see unwanted thoughts as clouds, see them and watch them pass.
When they have passed, the "sun" is free to shine through again

My own understanding of the Dali Lama's explanation of depression is more based on the above attitude to thoughts - seeing them as impermanent - rather than "attitude" in the sense that you can "snap out" of depression or "think yourself" out of depression.


Love

Satori

xxx

[memarcie]

Suicide?

Beatle, here are search results from books at amazon.com on depression and alcohol. Maybe one of these books can help give you some insight and help you find ways to deal and ways to get out of the funk.

Amazon.com: depression and alcohol: Books


Maybe others have specific suggestions on the book route, I've never read anything on this subject.

[MKR]

Suicide?

Beatle so glad you are feeling a bit better today and received a lot of support yesterday.

It is never too late! Just saw that on Public Television show last night on the art of aging. We are talking NEVER TOO late and the body is magnificent in its healing powers. Exercise is great for relieving some of that stress.

Have a much calmer day today, Hugs, Mary

[Guest]

Suicide?

Beatle,
I hope you have a better day! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Even when it is hard, tell yoursefl.."I AM LOVED AND NEEDED". Hugs sweetie, hang in there!

[Breez]

Suicide?

Beatle-I haven't been around lately but want to give you a big cyber:l .

I have often thought that my dear hubby did not deserve a drunk wife & my kids with a drunk mom-all of which chose booze over them. But over time I have learned that I need to stop that thinking because without the booze "I'm awesome"-ok with a few screws loose.

Nothing will change unless I change it. So I changed my attitude, my eating habit, my lifestyle & found that I got out of that funk. It's never easy-it's hard work. I was treated for depression but the DR. basically said "stop drinking-that's what's making you depressed". And with the drinking came the self loathing & depression which just made me drink even more.

This was a bump in your road to a better life. Stay focused, positive thinking and never give up!:l

[gabby]

Suicide?

Just now readin this.....
Beatle, If your praying....it's just that simple. Its one of the things we have Jesus for. He prays for us too. And your obviously talkin to him. Believe me, he is listening. Now I am not a super religious holy roller here. But I know it to be true. All you have to do is believe. Why should you believe? My exact answer is what Cindi said. He trusted and believed in you enough to raise up those babies.

As I read along everyone said such good stuff. I am glad your better and you and we are all here. :l

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Suicide?

Beatle,

Don't beat yourself up! We've all dissappointed others, that's life. Your kids love you no matter what!

Luvya,

Myheart

[wantrealmeaning]

Suicide?

so pleased your sounding better today beatle and your very welcome for the candle.......

It was a catholic church that i went in..........i'm not catholic or religous, more spiritual, infact i think religion has got a lot to answer for...... but i've always had a thing for churches ever since i was a kid.......there's something calming about them for me.

this particular church is across the road from my friends house who was murdered and i went in it quite a lot when i'd come back from court when the trial was going on and over xmas. so i've got a little bond with it now if you know what i mean.

i love the Dalai Lama but i know what you mean about his idea that depression is just a matter of attitude, makes me feel like my whole personality is flawed..........i'm a firm believer in the power of positive thought but when depression is bad i find it impossible to think positively, then i feel like a complete failure.......then more depressed.......yup i know what you mean. it's chemical.............as much as i love him, that little happy chappy the Dalai Lama is wrong on the attitude theory.

so pleased your mood has lifted a bit today beatle
take care
want
xxxx

[Cinders]

Suicide?

Beatle and Want,

On the depression thing.

I hope Cashregister jumps into this thread or reads it and responds. I remember a post where Cashy said that when the meds were right, things just clicked into place.

It is a vicious cycle and even though we KNOW that the alcohol is ultimately changing our brain chemistry to make anxiety and depression worse, at the same time it does do an immediate relief.

I, too, am starting to feel better emotionally now that I have a few days AF under my belt. I can't wait until I have a few months. I know my fears, anxieties, etc won't go away because I am af, but I do know that I will address them better without alcohol.

Take care,
Cindi